What imprint does your culture leave on people’s hearts?

As a corporate expat spouse, I have come into contact with many cultures because of international travel and expat assignments as I followed my life partner as he moved around. In total I have visited 35 countries. For the first 25 years of my life I lived in St. Petersburg, Russia; this was followed by Italy, Pakistan and Sweden, where we currently live. I love the UK, and before COVID-19 was there many times each year. I spent a lot of time in Spain escaping from nasty Swedish colds and terrible weather. Dubai was our hub for travel and leisure. Thailand was an oasis of relaxation and where we spent our honeymoon. I travelled alone across Egypt from Hurghada to Cairo on a local bus, the only foreigner there. I also went with no other safeguard than my golden retriever to Abbottabad and remote Dhodial in Pakistan near Afghanistan.

Given how much the world has changed and how comparatively difficult it is now to travel, I wanted to share some stories of my intercultural experiences as a small contribution to intercultural understanding.

I built my ability to adapt to and my knowledge of different cultures by immersion into new cultures and countries, by exploration once there, and through many one-on-one contacts whilst I was living in these countries. I also travelled extensively, especially in Asia, India, Egypt, Pakistan and Dubai. I look back across all of my travelling, and the most memorable experiences.

When my expat journey first took me to Lahore in Pakistan, I must admit I was not without worries. After all the terrorism attacks Russia had faced before my move to Pakistan, I was as brainwashed as anyone by the media and the horrible news. At that time our company classed Pakistan as the second most dangerous country for expatriation, after Afghanistan. My poor parents had a tough time learning to manage their very understandable anxiety. It was a very strange world we moved into with a lot to cope with - and I as an expat spouse was given no help learning about the culture nor any expat support by my partner’s company. 

Yet my memories are full of the most overwhelmingly generous hospitality, of people who were happy regardless of their wealth, of many smiles, of respect and unlimited care - and of the biggest bouquets of roses, beyond the imagination of a Western woman. 

Indeed, Lahore's soul is very special: it grabs your heart and just does not let go. 

I arrived in Lahore in January 2003 after an exhausting trip from St Petersburg, Russia via Copenhagen, where the plane was delayed for five hours in the middle of the night. This was altogether too much for the vulnerable state I was in due to prolonged insomnia as a result of the never-ending uncertainty of my “following expat partner” life. 

After another seven-hour flight, I was picked up by my partner’s secretary because my partner had been called away to deal with an emergency. Once we got to the main street, I saw donkeys carrying huge heavyweights and poverty I had previously only seen in movies. Indeed, light-headed and disorientated, I felt as if I was watching a film. Arriving at my new home, guarded by security men with Kalashnikovs was another surprise: I was going to be sharing nearly three years with these men 24/7.

Moving to Pakistan wasn’t easy. Because we were not yet married, it took me four months of waiting for Sharia permission to enter the Islamic State of Pakistan as an independent woman. And that was the end of my independence. Residency was granted without a work permit, and another three years as a corporate expat partner unable to work turned my career and my life upside down. Today, over 14 years of expat-life later, I am still recreating my career - though that is a whole other conversation on Human Rights Due Diligence and Sustainable Expatriation https://www.sustainableexpatriation.com/ - the core of my career restart for human-centric leadership and global value creation. 

Trading my fast-moving career for the small invalidity pension I was paid by the company was a bad financial deal. But “Where is a ruin, there is a hope for a treasure”, as Rumi wrote. My life in Pakistan gave me a lot of treasures - so many that there is no way that I can squeeze them all into one article. The message I want to share here is that beneath the outrageous poverty and the terrorist labelling, in my experience, Pakistan beats the rest of the world in terms of hospitality and genuine care for people regardless of their race and culture. As far as I am concerned it is a fantastic role model for the West in how to drown discrimination of all kinds, rather than alienating foreigners.

The level of protection, kindness and hospitality which I experienced was beyond the wildest imagination of a Western woman. Even when I was walking my dog in the forbidden military zone by mistake in Abbottabad, I felt well protected and treated with respect. I was merely politely asked to leave the green grass that happened to be a military ground - which my dog had enjoyed for a while. 

Pakistan is also a country where a visit to a vet cost 50 Rs (one US dollar) at the time I was living there, and where people work so hard to make a leaving. Yet the vet firmly told me that he would not accept any payment unless and until he had seen results of his treatment of my dog. 

Travelling back to Lahore in the middle of the summer of 2005, I realized that my wallet, which I had last used on the plane, was gone. It took me two weeks to realise this because we didn’t use Western cards and currency in Lahore. With no more than a faint hope of success, I went to the Lost and Found service of Lahore International Airport. I described my wallet, which must have slipped from my lap onto the floor - and oh, miracle! I got it back! Not only the wallet but two credit cards and 600 Euros in cash. This, according to the local law, had been converted into Pakistani currency and placed in the bank. 

I found the gentleman who had taken my wallet to the Lost and Found desk and sent him a copy of the Quran with golden pages as a gift. 

Heart-to-heart connections with ordinary people made me fall in love with Pakistan, with its raw beauty - and even with the dust of Lahore. Fourteen years later I still remember each and every one of the amazing people I met in Lahore, who generously and unreservedly shared their hearts, time, support, religion and everything they had with a foreigner like me. They made me feel safe in Pakistan, where I was treated as a local and with respect, even though I was a woman who travelled around alone and spent her days in local markets, visiting the shrines of Islam as well as some amazing places full of hash and swirling Sufi dancers.

One person in Pakistan whom I will never forget is our driver, Khalid Butt, who seemed to be able to read my mind and managed to keep track of all my plans. I was entirely dependent on him since I had neither permission nor the wish to drive in Lahore. When we had to leave Pakistan, he had big tears running down his cheeks as he left me and my dog Tai in the airport for the last time. I had a hard time swallowing my own tears, knowing how much I would miss him. Khalid had in many senses made my life in Pakistan so joyful and easy. Khalid was the most brilliant problem-solver as well as being the most efficient helper, and he was there for us 24/7/365. He was much much more than a driver to me: he made such a difference to my life in Pakistan and always managed to cheer me up in any difficult situation. Khalid still promises me a one-way ticket back to Lahore anytime I want one.

My dearest friend Saadia Naveed, whom I met in Lahore when I was walking my dog on a polo ground, made a massive difference to my life then - and still does in so many senses. Saadia took a trip all the way from Lahore to Sweden with her family to visit me. Way back when I was living in Pakistan we had promised each other that our kids would play together. Saadia made that promise come true. She also told me I would be welcome back anytime, that I can stay in her apartment as long as I need, and that people would go out of their way to help me find a job or start a business in Pakistan if I continued to have so much difficulty in recreating my career in Sweden. And I am sure they will do just that if I need them.

I hope the above gives others a glimpse of the reality of Pakistani culture. I share my memories of the kindness I encountered for those who will never have a chance to travel to Lahore or other places in Pakistan - or to other cultures portrayed as “dangerous” - and who therefore build their opinions of these cultures based on what their own local media broadcasts. Television tends to focus on the bad news as if nothing positive exists. But the real culture of the country is a completely different story, as anyone who has lived there will know. 

It is really important for expats to share our many positive experiences of other cultures, to highlight how unrepresentative and simply rude the many cultural and religious insults we see nowadays can be. It is crucial that we establish and maintain healthy communication and that we become more interculturally and emotionally aware. 

There is a growing population of expats on the planet, and I am sure other expat spouses have their own wonderful stories about the cultures they have lived in. We will never hear these stories on the news yet they have huge importance. They can help us join up in our divided world, and find common ground, peace and understanding. I hope many expats will share their stories through the Sustainable Expatriation online platform where we are preparing to launch our new campaign “1M Expat Spouse Stories”. 

In our increasingly globalised world, intercultural tolerance and understanding is the core of not only global business success but also of peace for all humans. Discrimination, domination and isolation, whether conscious or not, affect people negatively. We need to move away from negative, damaging approaches and focus instead on heart-centred communication, cooperating and enjoying each other’s cultures and traditions.

I leave you to reflect upon what imprint your culture leaves in people’s hearts and why. A part of my heart will always remain in Lahore, Pakistan I still miss after 14 years. I would love to see your comments below. Right now, when it is difficult to travel physically, I am so grateful for your time reading my expat spouse stories. I hope they will enrich your intercultural understanding and maybe help us all re-think how to treat and interact with people from other cultures. 

Edited by Catrin Merlett, my dear serial expat friend, colleague and a brilliant licensed homeopath https://catrinmerlett.com - expats for a sustainable planet.

Professional photos are kindly donated by Tariq Hameed Sulemani https://www.tariqsulemani.com/

#kindnessproject #successboomerang #sustainableexpatriation