What I'm learning from working dads

A few weeks ago, I started interviewing working dads about their experiences of juggling work and family.

It's a conversation that's familiar to me as a mother. I can watch and giggle convulsively at Motherland and Working Moms (and do, until breathless). But the men who are at the leading edge of equitable parenthood are almost entirely missing from the popular consciousness.

Despite living with a real-life working dad under my own roof (I know him reasonably well, we've had two children together), I realised that if I didn’t happen to be coaching the working dads who are on my client book, I wouldn’t know a great deal about fathers' experiences, priorities, challenges, motivations.

Because, like just about everyone else, I haven’t really asked.

This is a partial picture

The men I've spoken to are senior leaders and middle management in fields such as the armed forces, consulting, engineering, recruitment, sales, tech. They are university educated professionals, married or in long-term partnerships, and had children of primary school age or younger. They’re primarily (but not exclusively) UK-based, and majority heterosexual.

This – clearly! – does not represent the totality of the fatherhood experience. Nonetheless, there's something interesting going on here. Exorbitantly expensive childcare can mean that for families on lower incomes, it simply doesn’t make financial sense to spend your post-tax income on nursery fees. At the other end of the spectrum, only the most fulfilling work may make the hassle of managing a second role worthwhile for the very highest earning families. So it’s in the middle, where a dual-income model is often seen as necessary, desirable, and also, let's be honest, achievable, that we see some of the most equitable models: the leading edge of working parenthood.

Here's what I'm learning so far.

Let's keep the conversation going.

1. Men want to talk about fatherhood.

But no one is asking. There's an absence of curiosity, let alone emotional support. Yet 1 in 10 new fathers will experience post-natal depression.

2. Fathers are under huge pressure to "provide".

Even dads who are committed to as equitable a split as possible with their partners live with the model of parenthood they inherited, and a broader societal expectation. And when we lack curiosity, or even actively undermine their role as fathers (which is sadly routine), they are confined to this narrow definition of their contribution and value.

3. "Providing" is harder than it once was.

Property prices and cost of living have increased; wages not so much. Parents very naturally want their children to have what they did, but parents today doing equivalent work to the previous generation are likely to find it unaffordable.

4. The previous generation hasn't always updated its ideas of what's feasible, let alone desirable.

Too many senior figures imagine there's a 'little woman' at home to take care of the house and kids. They may envisage a level of paid childcare support (eg, live in nannies) that may be unaffordable for the wages they're paying.

5. Flagship paternity polices matter, but this can be out of step with attitudes from leadership.

Paid parental leave reserved for fathers is undoubtedly the future. But despite attention-grabbing policies, attitudes may remain unchanged, leading to fathers working while on leave or being overlooked for progression. Dads are negotiating a complex landscape of family commitments and financial security.

6. Dads want recognition, not praise.

Praise is problematic. We might think we're being encouraging, whilst actually we’re invoking a hierarchy (if this interests you, sign up for my newsletter for a piece on the perils of praise). "Of course you need to go, your kid's sick - they need you", goes down a lot better than, "ah well done you, giving mummy a break!".

7. Fathers are deeply committed to women's emancipation.

Men I spoke to were overflowing with love, admiration, and pride in their partner's achievements. They recognise that fatherhood is a feminist issue: that we're reaching the limits of how we can help women into the workplace if we don't also help men back into the home.

8. Biology makes a difference, but we can prepare ourselves better for this.

Relative to women, men often felt relegated to the role of second parent. The biological facts of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding can, says Sarah Sternberg of Movember, be "really confronting to couples who pride themselves on being progressive," and strive for an otherwise equitable approach to family life. Recognising these difficult feelings upfront makes the world of difference.

9. Healthcare routinely sidelines fathers.

Fathers have the status of visitors in perinatal care. They are not recognised in child's medical records. During Covid, they were actively banned from hospital premises. Men don't question the focus on pregnant women, but they long for a role.

10. You don't become a father overnight.

And nor is patrescence (the process of becoming a father) and matrescence (the process of becoming a mother) necessarily simultaneous. Parenthood has its own rhythms. Where we end up is more important than who gets out of the starting blocks first.

11. Hybrid and flexible working are non-negotiable.

Home-working has revolutionised fathers' ability to be a part of family life. The commute doesn't just represent 'dead hours' - they're dead hours smack in the middle of bath time, book, and bedtime.

12. Resources are is finite.

The fashion to substitute "work life integration" for "work life balance" doesn't wash with dads. They recommend being fully present in the moment, whether that's work, or spending time with the kids. Instead it's about trade-offs: "work life choices".

13. Equitable and functional isn't necessarily the same thing.

What works for one family may not work for another. The men happiest with how they balanced work and family life had (perhaps unsurprisingly) taken a hit on their career. But not everyone had the same objective. Clarity on your values, motivations and constraints both personally and within a partnership is key.

14. It's all worth it.

However you manage it - and undoubtedly, with changing and expanding roles, working out how to manage it is more complex than ever - it's worth it. Fathers enormously value time spent with their children. Not just for the 'big ticket' occasions, the sports days and the weekend bike ride; some of their most treasured moments happened loading the dishwasher, pulling on socks, or taking the dog out.

Hello! I'm Tamzin Foster. I'm an Executive Coach working with senior leaders. This includes, but is not limited to, working fathers.

I'm still at work on an extended piece about modern fatherhood in the workplace. If you have a platform (podcast, media outlet) who would like to feature this story, please get in touch at [email protected]. If you're keen to read the next instalment and would like to know when I'm launching more, please follow me here.

And finally, if you would like to engage a professional coach to support your own development or that of your team, I'd love to hear from you. please get in touch at [email protected].