What I Wish I Knew About Love

Starting on a journey of self-improvement and knowledge expansion, especially within the world of love and relationships, is a profound act of courage and self-respect. Today, I want to share with you a transformative experience that reshaped my understanding of love and how we can all apply both intellect and emotion in making healthier choices in love.

During my participation in the LoveThinks train the trainer workshop, a program renowned for its insightful approach to building and sustaining healthy relationships, I was reminded of the importance of approaching learning with a beginner's mind. Despite my extensive self-study in the field of relationships, this experience was humbling, revealing that the journey of learning never truly ends.

Initially, I faced internal struggles; a part of me felt resistant, harboring thoughts like "I already know this." This was my ego speaking, a barrier to the open-mindedness required for true growth. More profoundly, I grappled with a fear that learning new insights would validate my mistakes in past relationships, confirming that those painful experiences could have been avoided. This realization was daunting: acknowledging my significant role in the dynamics of my previous high-conflict relationships was not easy.

However, the most illuminating lesson I learned was this:

Love is not merely a feeling but a verb, a series of deliberate actions and learned behaviors.

The revelation that struck me was the idea that engaging our intellect alongside our emotions in matters of love could dramatically alter the course of our relationships. This was a radical shift from my previous understanding, where I had solely leaned on my heart, hoping that love, in its emotional capacity alone, would be sufficient. Yet, this approach often led me to overlook significant red flags, blinded by my emotional investment.

Drs. John and Morgan introduced me to the Relationship Attachment Model, which emphasizes a balanced progression across five key areas of relationship development:

Knowing,

Trusting,

Relying,

Committing,

and Touching.

This model was a revelation, highlighting my past tendency to prematurely escalate in one area without nurturing the others.

This learning journey was not just about acquiring new knowledge; it was profoundly healing. It taught me that the lack of awareness about these principles wasn't my fault. We don't know what we don't know until we open ourselves to learn.

And so, I extend this message to you:

It's not your fault for not knowing what was never taught to you. Yet, embracing the responsibility to learn, change, and act upon this new understanding is within our power. We have the opportunity to learn how to both give and receive love in healthier, more fulfilling ways. By marrying the insights of our minds with the compassion of our hearts, we can build the foundation for love that is not only emotionally rich but also wise and discerning.

Let's continue this journey together, with open hearts and minds, ready to transform our approach to love and relationships.

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