What I Talk When I Talk About Belonging

I want to take you back in time. To a night back in November 2019. I had been invited out by a classmate for her birthday. I can still feel the excitement thinking about it, not least because we are 300 odd days into a lockdown. Nights out. Do you remember them? Anyway, it was the first night out since I had come to the UK the prior September. 

“That’s so exciting,” I thought to myself, curious of exactly how people party over here, and how it would measure up to the nights out back home. One thing was for sure, it was gonna be a new experience. Let the party begin. The dress code was anything beginning with S (the initial of her name), so I could just be me (Son). But we know I’m more fun than that.

I bought myself a costume. Sadly, all of the Shakira ones had sold out so I had to make do: A skeleton one. Sorry to disappoint you, you can call me basic.

It was indeed a great experience. Great talks, great company, great friends and great dance.

But when Dancing Queen (which I have come to realise is ubiquitous with dark nights and good times in the UK) and several songs started playing, that was the first time I had ever listened to them. Everyone started dancing and singing to those songs. Strangers embraced strangers, screaming words into the air. The whole place erupted. But I didn’t even know the lyrics. Sure, I could still feel the rhythm and dance. Plus, you know how alcohol works, after a few pints and a few glasses of vodka & lemonade, no one knows any words anymore.

Dancing Queen is music to my ears now. Seriously, when can we do that again? 

But I’ve also been thinking about that night a lot where I experienced the feeling of not belonging or being irrelevant. Standing outside the window and looking in. I’ve still been experiencing it sometimes. 

There were so many questions that wandered in my head for so long “What is it about the John Lewis ad that makes people so hyped?”; “What is it about that joke that people find hilarious?”; “What is it about that hero/poet/writer that people are talking about?”, to which I have no idea. That’s when I start to feel the lack of belonging. 

I wasn’t born here. I haven’t been living here for 5 or 10 years. I came here to study and I’ve learnt so many interesting things along the way about the country, the culture, and the people. I know the language but do I understand it correctly and culturally all the time? I’m not sure. I ask my friends to correct me whenever I make a grammar mistake, whenever I use a word in a wrong context, or whenever I use it unnaturally. I’ve constantly immersed myself in reading news or watching TV series or TV shows, as I want to understand the language and the culture, I don’t want to see myself inadequate in front of people. Sometimes, it freaks me out when I cannot find the right word to describe what I want to say; my Vietnamese tongue wilting in my mouth, sometimes, it makes me question myself, to the point that I feel I am not good enough and not doing enough.

In the five levels of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the sense of belonging is in the middle, which helps us develop self-esteem and confidence. My mama told me when I was young “If you don’t love yourself, how the hell can you love someone else?”. Mama RuPaul.

Whether it’s personal or professional, I’m sure some of us have experienced that feeling when we feel we are not seen, heard, or valued. Some may experience it more; some may experience it less. Some may feel you don’t belong to somewhere and some even may feel lost.

“We have an innate need to belong – to one another, to our friends and families, and to our culture and country”.

I’ve seen a lot of conversations recently talking about how to build a truly inclusive (working) environment for people, as the emotional impact of belonging is real. In the PR industry where it’s a norm for PR to be categorized “a fast-paced industry”, it’s even easier to get carried away and lose that sense of belonging.

But it’s constant learning, and it’s about both internal and external efforts. I’ve learnt about why Brits are so excited about the John Lewis ads and I can get the feeling. I’ve learnt about fish and chips. I’ve learnt about embracing things that make me feel good. I’ve surrounded myself with people and community that make me feel welcomed, and with friendships I cherish.

It’s Vietnamese Lunar New Year tomorrow. It’s the biggest holiday in Vietnam, akin to Christmas here in the UK when the whole family gather together and enjoy the festive celebration, except that sometimes, some annoying uncles or aunties ask some very awkward questions which might ruin the whole season. Plot twist: I’m over here, alone, in a national lockdown in the UK. But I know there should be things in life that we hold onto to feel the sense of belonging, to remind us where we come from and how far we go.

And you wanna know what I think about how people party here? Let me show you when the lockdown is (hopefully) (dare I say) over!