What I learnt from going back into ‘the closet’ at work

1. Does your sexual orientation have anything to do with your day job? 

2. Do closeted LGBTIQ professionals really lose up to 30% of their productivity?

3. Are LGBTIQ professionals’ careers limited by being ‘out’ at work?

I was fortunate enough to feel comfortable to ‘come out’ at work shortly after starting my career at PwC Australia in 2011, about a year after the inception of the firm’s LGBTIQ employee network, GLEE@PwC.

So when I started a three month secondment with PwC Canada earlier this year, I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to try find answers to these questions and more by going back into ‘the closet’. A new office in a new country. I was assigned 3 new teams to work with. 3 new management teams to impress and 3 new clients to make happy - as the new, closeted, Mike Bellemore. 

So what was my approach? 

Well, I did what over one third of LGBTIQ people in professional services choose to do every day to mask their authentic selves. I didn’t make any references to my partner, Adam. I avoided topics of conversation that might refer to him and if absolutely necessary, I used gender neutral pronouns like ‘they’, ‘them’ and ‘their’. I changed the background photo of Adam and me on my phone to Coogee Beach. I tightened my social media privacy settings and changed my display pictures from photos of us to photos of only me. 

I controlled the effeminate inflections in my voice and was acutely aware of various mannerisms like my expressive hands, puffed chest and crossed legs. 

I played up my interest in Aussie sports and avoided making any reference to LGBTIQ culture (which is incredibly hard when Cher is announced as the Mardi Gras headliner!)

So how did it go? 

I actually found it incredibly challenging and, at times, distressing to maintain this charade. For those wondering “how hard could it be?” these were just some of my experiences…

When I caught up with my assigned office buddy, Louise, for a drink in my first week, I successfully answered questions about the journey from Sydney to Toronto, the first client I’d been assigned and how I reacted to the freezing temperatures of Canada. *Phew!* Second drink in and I was much more tentative and uncomfortable discussing plans for travel after my secondment and life back home; both topics which included Adam where I had to switch “boyfriend” to “partner” and “he, him, his” to “they, them, their”. 

When I went out for dinner with a colleague and some of her friends on my first Saturday night in Toronto and they asked what I’d done the night before, I had to lie because the truth was I’d hit up the gay clubs with friends (but revealing this would reveal the gay Mike). At the same dinner, I was asked why I wear a ring on my commitment finger (Oops! I forgot to take it off!)

I was also surprised by the things that some straight men said to me (assuming that I was also straight). In my first week, when one of my new colleagues said, “man, you should’ve gone to college in Canada – girls would’ve thrown themselves at you with that accent” I wanted to whip back with “do you think the guys would’ve too?” but just smiled and got back to work. 

“About a month into my secondment, Louise asked me what my partner’s name was so I was faced with the choice of lying or outing myself.”

About a month into my secondment, Louise asked me what my partner’s name was so I was faced with the choice of lying or outing myself. I paused then chose the latter and immediately felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. She later made the faux pas of asking me in front of other colleagues if I was going to FaceTime my boyfriend on Valentine’s Day. I’d already decided to spend the remainder of the secondment out of the closet so this didn’t bother me but it was interesting to see how easy it was for secrets to spread! (Louise also latter apologised to me, realising I wasn’t ‘out’ to the other colleagues and we laughed it off as I said it would make great material for this article).

So what did I learn? 

1. Well, I learnt that it was practically impossible for me to stay in the closet. It wasn’t until I had to hide myself that I realised how much of our personal lives we share with each other at work every single day. 

Lord John Browne, former BP CEO, captured this beautifully in his 2014 memoir, The Glass Closet.

“I want you to go back to your offices and shut the door. Then I want you to remove all vestiges of your family, particularly your spouse. Put the pictures in the drawer and take off your wedding band. You cannot talk about your family and where you went on vacation. And if your spouse is seriously ill, you are afraid to acknowledge your relationship because you are afraid you might lose your job. Do all of that and see how productive you are.”

So to answer to question 1 – yes, your sexual orientation does in fact have everything to do with your day job.

2. At work, I found it harder to focus as a lot of my attention was dedicated to monitoring my mannerisms. It was more difficult to get to know my colleagues and engage in general banter as I didn’t want to be asked questions about my personal life. This also impacted the good morale I’m normally able to build with the teams. 

So in answer to question 2 – whilst I cannot quantify the impact on my productivity, I certainly felt the effects on my engagement, job satisfaction and general wellbeing. This also supports the Pride in Diversity 2017’s Employee Survey (and many other studies from around the world) which found that 36% - 52% of respondents (depending on gender and type of organisation) felt improvements in their productivity when they came out at work.

3. Finally, I learnt that one of my key strengths, building meaningful relationships, was completely hindered by closeting myself. In the experiences discussed in this article, colleagues and friends could sense my discomfort with personal questions which impacted my ability to build rapport with them. It wasn’t until I revealed personal details about myself that people felt a greater sense of trust in me and I was able to better connect with them. 

• Once I was ‘out’, one colleague started sharing childhood stories about time spent on his “two uncles’” farm. They were former ballet dancers turned farmers.
• Another colleague, a fanatical skier, shared that one of his favourite skiers was Gus Kenworthy, the first ‘out’ Olympic skier who had been making headlines at the Winter Olympics at the time. 
• The only client I’d discussed Adam with happened to be the client who disclosed some sensitive information to me which I then shared with my superiors. Once doing so, the lead partner said that he was impressed I’d been able to develop a good enough relationship with the client in such a short amount of time that they felt comfortable to share this information with me.

So to answer question 3 – I feel like being out at work has done nothing but improve my performance and advance my career. This is why I’m so disappointed when I continue to see ‘career limiting’ as one of the reasons LGBTIQ professionals choose to stay closeted at work. 

I’m keen to hear from everyone else – what have been your experiences of you or your colleagues being both in and out of the closet at work? Feel free to share in the comments below!