what I learned one year without weed.

I've been a lifelong burner.

It started when I was 14 in the 8th grade, I smoked pot with my neighbor in my garage, while my parents were home! (that was sketch)

Something in me just always knew I was gonna be an addict. I could feel it. I had a keen sense to never try anything too dangerous - like cigarettes or pills. Things I knew took you over, and quickly.

Weed seemed like a safe choice.

By freshman year of high school I was smoking every day. I used it as motivation to get my work done, and maintained a 3.8 GPA average throughout high-school...

Smoking. Every. Day.

I think it's important to clarify that my little experiment with being a stoner, and using it as a reward system for getting things done, is the exception.

Not the rule.

Certainly many of the stereotypes about cannabis users prove to be true. From the theory that it kills your motivation, down to the theory that it is a gateway drug.

Yes, it certainly can do these things - but in my case?

Weed was the anti-gateway drug.

Weed was my savior.

My best friend.

Weed was the parent I truly never had.

Always there for me at the end of the day, to sooth me, connect me to God, and remind me,

"It's all just gonna be fine."

Even when the house I grew up in, certainly was not- and we all had to develop our own methods of coping, and even escaping, from time to time.

I got lucky.

I remember the first time I attempted to quit smoking I was 18.

My parents had just separated and I moved in with my Dad. I wasn't particularly close with him, but, anything to not live with my mom.

Turned out my dad was the chill parent, and the constant hovering above me trying to catch me smoking weed (which she did, constantly) was suddenly gone.

He really didn't care what I did, and my life did a complete 180. I went from having one of the strictest parents in high school...

to the chillest.

Like any good rebel, this sudden ability to do what had been forbidden from me the previous 4 years, prompted me to ask the question,

"Whoa - am I addicted?"

I got scared for the first time that I'd maybe never be able to quit, so I attempted my first go at it that summer after high school, and actually lasted a few months, before I eventually started smoking again.

That was one of the longest breaks I ever took.

Until now.

(we'll get to that).

I fell back into the habit again, and it just kinda stayed with me into my 20's.

I left college, got a good job, was overall fairly responsible-

I JUST FRIGGIN LOVED WEED.

My habit of using weed as motivation certainly didn't go away as I got older, and became even deeper when I started my first company after dropping out of college, in my early 20's.

Video editing for 12 hours a day as an extrovert?

Yikes.

I was definitely not quitting anytime soon - and I needed it to scale my first startup.

By age 23, I was dabbing everyday.

Dabbing, if you don't already know, kinda turns weed into a drug.

Okay - it already is one. But trust me, for us long-time stoners, discovering dabs is like being 14 in the garage and getting high for the first time all over again. (so fun!)

I had an E-nail plugged into the wall that stayed hot, and I'd drop those bad boys in there like it was my birthday...

everyday.

Literally. All. Day. Long.

It was apparent I was addicted, but my life was so high stress at the time the thought of quitting was still not possible to me. Actually, it wasn't until age 25 (the year I started my blog on LinkedIn), that I attempted to quit again - and actually lasted for 4 months!

I think something about starting this blog, having another outlet, and just being so desperate for something to change in my life (before gaining the ability to look at my insanely toxic, codependent relationship at the time... which was obviously the biggest problem, not even weed...)

I'd try anything to get out of the rut I was in.

& I did!

Well-

4 months that time.

(getting closer!)

In the end, I always fell back into the habit of smoking weed. And my identity, heck - the entire development of my adolescent brain - was wrapped up in cannabis.

I continued to dab through the end of my time with my first business, and actually tried to quit again entirely at age 26, when I made the split from my partners and investors to go launch a LinkedIn company solo.

Needless to say - new life in Miami? Single? Just remembering your reality-shattering childhood trauma?

Yeah - the year 26 was HARD ENOUGH.

This just wasn't gonna be the time to put down the pipe,

sorry.

I gave up the dabs, and did begin to re-establish my relationship with weed during my late 20's. You know, like not NEEDING to wake up and smoke, not smoking all day, no more dabbing, etc.

Really reserving it for nights & weekends.

Is this adulting?

I know it probably sounds funny to non-weed smokers, but that was a big leap for me.

My relationship with cannabis was evolving, organically, and I didn't like going out in public high all the time anymore, just for the sake of it.

I was even days on / days off at a time. Really pushing myself to only smoke on the weekends. And most definitely aching with regret if I caved and smoked it in the morning, before work, like I did when I was younger.

That just threw off my whole day, and I'd just end up mad at myself.

It was like this old part of me, still running on habit, when the reality was...

"Do I even like this anymore?"

It just wasn't the same.

Then - at 28...

things really began to shift.

It's no surprise to many of you that I've struggled with imposter syndrome. Like, crippling imposter syndrome. Or what I like to call "toxic shame" - feeling like my very core essence is so unbelievable shameful... no matter how fabulous I actually am.

It just ate away at me.

I started to really hate myself FOR my imposter syndrome.

I knew this toxic shame was the core of why I couldn't scale my LinkedIn business, or figure out a way to bring in more money.

I was self-aware of my own limiting beliefs and that made me feel even WORSE!

"I DON'T FEEL WORTHY!? WHY DON'T I FEEL WORTHY OF MORE!? I WANNA BREAK THROUGH- AHHHHHH!!!!!"

Oh the circles I have spiraled down.

I especially got triggered one day, in late spring of that 28th year, when I saw a fellow digital marketing entrepreneur was making $1 million/month -

NET INCOME!

Net. Fucking. Income.

um... excuse me-

wut?

That's what I make in a year - and that's gross!

Wow should I just kill myself now or maybe later?

I was shattered.

I remember that day I just burst into tears. I couldn't take it that I wasn't living up to my full potential, and that I KNEW I wasn't living up to my full potential!

I just needed a complete reset, a reframe. and obviously, at this point-

weed was of no use to me.

I went for the real hard sh*t -

and I pulled out my mushrooms.

Called my team,

"I'm taking the day off guys - don't call me. Got a little meeting with God and gotta figure some things out."

I put my picnic blanket out in my backyard. Got my setup.

My candles.

My incense.

My deck.

My Native American flute music.

&... of course... what any good ceremony needs:

my weed.

I ingested the mushrooms and I told God my intention-

"Show me, God... please, how can I make more money?"

I laid back and waited for the mushrooms to do their thing.

Well-

it wasn't long into the journey when the download hit me like a ton of bricks.

The obviously truth I have avoided, for many years now.

Spirit spoke so clearly to me when she said...

"You need to quit smoking weed, Shay."

Fuck.

I knew it was true. I knew it was time. It was long overdue and the very medicine that used to help alleviate my shame and anxiety...

was now in fact, causing it.

I never ended up smoking weed that day (which is really a moment for me when I'm on mushrooms, so this was a big deal).

I brought it back in the house, packed up all my paraphernalia, and gave it all away to a friend.

I was committed to growing up now. And I was sure that more money, and better business opportunities, would suddenly find me.

I wish the story ends there with a "Woohoo! You did it Shay!"

We all love that story that ends with the one drug telling you the other drug is the problem.

Ha!

The mushrooms were in fact right, but- as fate would have it,

my karmic wheel with Mary Jane hadn't quite played out yet.

I started smoking weed 2 months later.

FUCK!

This time I really didn't feel bad about it at all - I had just started dating a guy who I thought was going to be the prince charming I was always waiting for, the man of my dreams, and I won't lie...

I was real horny, and just wanted to party for awhile.

Quitting weed can like - totally wait!

Needless to say, once the honeymoon era on that romance saga ran out, it was only me left with my addiction...

once again.

Back to square one.

At this point in the story, I'm 29... last year of my 20's... and that toxic shame cycle I mentioned the previous year? You know - the one that prompted me to go sit with mushrooms?

Well - that baby came back with a vengeance!

The first couple months of age 29 were some of the hardest, most ego-shattering months of my life. I thought I was done with the shame spiraling... oh boy!

It was only just beginning.

By January of 2022 I was a complete mess. I was certainly not making more money, I even remember posting on LinkedIn around that time about the shame I felt for not having made anymore money, and I was feeling like the biggest loser, POS, like I'd never felt before.

It's also important to note that a lot of the previous years while blowing up on LinkedIn (age 27, age 28) I really was dancing with my ego QUITE A BIT!

I wasn't even fully aware back then how much I was avoiding my imposter syndrome, because I was just so good at playing the "look at me, I'm young hot and rich!" game.

(and that was fun too - let's just be honest).

But something about 29 hit different.

Realizing you're on the cusp of 30, you're nowhere near where you want to be financially... and you still can't control yourself around this stupid little green leaf that smells like a skunk?

Yeah - okay... now I really, REALLY REALLY

Like, really really need to grow up.

January of last year, I decided to try another one of my "month off" cleanses from weed.

February 1st was the day.

February 1st, 2022, I shared the news with a friend of mine, and a fellow burner (who also struggles with addiction), that I was taking a break.

To my surprise - he informed me he was too.

He said he was doing "90 days no cannabis" and that I should do it with him.

I thought, "okay. 30 days... I can do 90. Let me just get through this first 30 first!"

I think he was interested in having an accountabili-buddy, and he texted me regularly throughout the first month to see how I was doing.

I was still deep in my shame, but starting to feel better.

That's when he said, "I'm doing great!"

Then he said something that scared me...

"I'm gonna try to go THE WHOLE YEAR!"

Whoa.

The whole year?

Idk if I even wanna think about a goal like that.

Remember, this is 15+ YEARS OF SMOKING BY NOW!! My identity is sooo wrapped up in Cannabis! For some strange reason, the thought of going one year without it made me feel like I was sure to explode, evaporate, and Shannon Rose Rowbottom would somehow dissolve from this planet entirely.

But the longer I went without weed, the more I thought about it.

"What do I have to lose?

You know you're not happy with where you're at in life, you know the mushrooms were onto something when they told you this, and in this year, you're gonna be 30...

do you really wanna kick off another decade with this habit?"

I made myself a deal -

Make it one year without Cannabis, and if you're truly, 100%, by the end of it... like,

"YUP! That didn't work at all. Life still sucks. I miss weed... anddddd I'm gonna smoke now." Fine,

continue.

But at least you gave it a fair try!

At least you did the honor to yourself, to your brain, to your body, to your spirit... to at least give it a CHANCE to experience what your one and only life would be like,

without cannabis.

February 1st, 2022.

That was one year ago...

today.

& you know what's really, really f*cking amazing?

I did it.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

I actually did it!

I haven't gone this long without Cannabis since I started smoking in my garage that afternoon, at age 14.

I'm truly in awe of myself that I made it this long, and had to pause for a second just now writing this, after about 30 minutes straight of just pounding the keyboard, knowing exactly what to say, and exactly how it should come out!

Words have been flowing to me as I write this, but now?

I really am speechless.

It probably seems so silly to some people to hear this, but damn.

That plant really had a hold on me. And she doesn't now.

That is something.

It's 10:11 pm as I write this, my girlfriends left a few hours ago. They were here helping me pack as I prepare for my next move, and just a few hours ago they were up on my deck, passing around a joint. Like so many others I've shared space with over this past year,

and I didn't feel a thing.

Didn't even blink twice.

While there were many hard months, especially in the beginning...

I just feel no connection to marijuana anymore.

Almost like I never even smoked it at all.

& that's wild.

I would say the first 6 months I still had many moments where I struggled to be sure I was actually gonna make it the whole year, but once I passed that 6 month mark, idk.

It got easier.

I have relocated parts of myself that were abandoned so long ago, sometimes I feel like an alien in my own body.

I have certainly still felt shame, even more of it at times, as my chakras and channels are finally cleared from years of chronic THC use, I'm able to move through childhood wounds and feel them fully, a system I wasn't accessing previously.

I have had lucid dreams, slept walked, and even astral projected in my dreams.

I have died multiple times in my dreams, left this planet and flown far into the galaxy. Communicating with other life, and higher parts of myself I didn't know were even there to access in the first place.

I have entered into an entirely different realm of existence when I sleep, one I couldn't imagine not visiting.

Cannabis, saved me.

I know this might seem like the part of the article where I demonize the thing I got hooked on, where I swear it was the worst decision ever at age 14, in my garage, to take that puff... where I WARN against the dangers of such an action! And urge anyone to think twice before letting this plant into their world!!

But that's not how I feel at all.

I'm not angry.

I didn't "miss" out on anything, I'm not too late, and I'm not afraid of how things could have turned out in my life... had I never chose to become a stoner.

I needed it.

I did.

I see that now.

It saved me from my shame.

It saved me from being too weak, too damaged, too broken to handle the reality of what I was holding in my body, from the time I was a little girl.

The shame that was projected onto me.

The shit I was forced to take on, from the people who raised me.

The darkness that pummeled my system.

As a teenager, and as a young adult... coming from where I was coming from?

I could not have survived without something.

And I thank God everyday,

it was Cannabis.

As I write this, I am processing more.

Crying now, getting clearer downloads as I type.

Perhaps the reason it was so hard to let go of, in these later years, is not because I was still "addicted" per se, or that I needed it anymore...

but because I knew the above of what I just spoke, is so true, and I hold such great reverence in my heart for this plant.

I thought being an advocate meant I had to stay smoking it, but I see now, that that isn't true at all.

I support the movement. I love all of God's plants, medicines, and magical little tools he's given us on this earth, to access deep healing... and in some cases,

to maintain our survival.

I love cannabis.

I just don't need it anymore.

February 1st, 2023.

Today.

The day I told myself I could smoke again, if I just lasted one year without.

& the verdict is?

Thank you, but...

FUCK NO!

No,

I do not want to smoke weed anymore.

And I'm not gonna pretend like my life is so much better now, like it's all sunshine and rainbows... in fact, I didn't end up making more money this year-

I MADE LESS!

Lol - oh well.

I really don't care. I know the money is coming, I know this is deep layered work, and I'm just proud of myself for getting to this point now.

The views on money have changed entirely, and I'm just so, so grateful I have accessed a deeper part of myself. So grateful I can enter into different dimensions when I dream at night, and actually remember them all!

My intuition tells me not to worry, I know that I'm on the right path,

and I'm patient.

I'm not claiming that I'll never smoke weed again - shit. It's hard to imagine a couple more million in the bank and I'm not lighting up a joint on a beach somewhere in Hawaii, just soaking it all in.

That still feels like a vibe.

But, presently?

I just can't even imagine smoking right now.

It just doesn't feel like me anymore, I just don't see how it fits. Plus,

I like this new version of myself that's been uncovered. She's sensitive, she's sweet, she's got lots she wants to say...

and I'm not going to muffle her, anymore.

Thank you Cannabis, for everything.

Perhaps we meet again someday... until then,

I ask you pass yourself along to the assistance to some young broken girl who's needing you now, and who's very livelihood, just might depend on a relationship with you... and just might also keep her out of trouble.

And maybe one day when the time is right, and she's ready...

she'll stop needing you too,

just like I did.

& the cycle of unique people, unique experiences, and the unique tools each individual needs on their own time...

goes on.

No judgement, & no regrets.

My life was all meant to unfold exactly as it has been.

Thank you, Shay, for making this choice.

I'm fucking proud of you girl - one year without cannabis!

Damn...

You did it.

#Shayshine ??

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