5 Things I Learned from My Two Worst Bosses

Due to my positive nature, it is a personal challenge to title an article as I have done here, approaching leadership from a darker angle.

So, get your flashlight ready and here we go.

Unsettling memories

It all started a few days ago when I was having lunch with a former co-worker whom I hadn't seen in years and with whom I shared one of these worst bosses. He recalled: "It was so bad, that once he stood up and said to me “Get out of my office immediately if you don't want me to punch you in the face”". My former colleague and friend told me this as one of many threats and mistreatments he suffered directly. The pain in him remained intact. I, on the other hand, had erased it all from my mind. Or so I thought, because the memory turned out to be in a corner next to recollections of conversations with other people who at the time sought me out to tell me about similar scenes.

After all, I was "the HR guy". One of the regular channels for reporting harassment cases. For the same reason, and because my boss was a bully, but not a fool, he treated me well. Perhaps better than he did anyone else on the management team. Not because he liked me particularly well or because my performance was exceptional, but because that boss (whom I will refer to as X) knew that being from Human Resources in a corporate structure where - much to his regret - he was not the biggest fish, I had access to spaces where my perception of him could have some bearing on his future. And this individual had a strong ambition. Not the warm-hearted kind of ambition to have an impact to serve the world, but the arrogant kind of wanting the world to serve him.

X was the typical boss that used the phrase "I don't accept excuses". He would never allow others to explain themselves, provide context or open a debate. Much less give room for anyone to have a different opinion from him, let alone the remote possibility of a person openly telling him he was wrong. He would yell at people and tell them they were “useless”.

People were afraid of him. Perhaps it's better to say, we were afraid of him, although back then I was of the school of thought that not showing vulnerability and putting up with styles like X's was synonymous with showing seniority. I used the euphemism "thick skin" to say that you had to be tough "and not take it personally". What an idiotic thing to say.

At that time I was just forming my criteria of what leading truly is and - in X's 'defence' - his style was not as infrequent or anachronistic as it is today. In fact, X had had a good career largely thanks to leaders at the time who had supported his style. It's not hard to imagine that X had a double standard, barking to his team and wagging his tail to his supervisors. To make the story grimmer -and reflect on my own mistakes-, I was, in a way, even worst: I wagged my tail to everybody and sought to please all my stakeholders.

So I lived in a juggling act that today I do not know how I managed to get out of:

• I was backing X, seeking his approval. My role was what today we could call an "HR Business Partner" (where he was the Business and I was the Partner).
• Occasionally I would shyly suggest that he moderate certain behaviours or comments, because "people could misinterpret them".
• I did not only give him this kind of feedback -imprecise, justifying and of very low quality- just to have a clear conscience. I also did it, I must admit, so that when people higher up the corporate chain of command asked me about X's style (since complaints were also received higher up) I could say - without lying - that I was already on top of the situation.
• To my colleagues - like my friend at lunch - I listened and "dully noted" their words (the useless gesture to, in the end, do nothing). I showed them some empathy -to please them-and I encouraged them, in any case, to join the school of developing a "thick skin".

In short, I wanted to look good with everyone.

Soon after, I changed roles and "got rid" of that problem. Unfortunately, those who were still under X's realm did not follow the same fate. As the pressure did not go away and Human Resources (i.e. me) had done nothing, more formal accusations soon began to come in through the ethics hotline and other anonymous reporting mechanisms until the company investigated further and X was finally fired. From all-powerful boss to all-pitying unemployed.?

Today I recognize that I was cowardly and accommodating. I was not loyal enough to the company -I should have reported more forcefully what was happening in the area-, nor did I practice what I am most passionate about today in Human Resources: building great places to work where psychological safety, inclusion, a winning culture and a a strong sense of belonging are paramount. I was even further away from what I would later define as my purpose: to be happy and help others to be happy too.

Some time later, my second bad boss, whom I will call Z, was to arrive. By that time I was a more seasoned executive, with a developed and proven managerial courage and greater self-confidence. Z, unlike X, was not a business leader. She was sadly a leader within Human Resources. Sadly, I say, as I am of the old school that believes that HR leaders must have a minimum degree of charisma and a heart at least a couple of millimetres bigger than the average other professional. I don't have an x-ray to prove it, but I would bet without hesitation that Z's heart was missing at least a piece.

Z, unlike X, did not abuse with insults, yelling, or the threat of "punching in the face". She simply did not answer e-mails. She also used to cancel follow-up meetings minutes before they started. And that's when she had the "courtesy" to cancel them, because many times she didn't connect without any explanation. Z ignored me. By that moment in my life, the thick skin had indeed materialized. And yet, being ignored was destroying me. Not only because it didn't allow me to move forward on many issues where I required her support, alignment or approval, but because I learned that feeling invisible and ignored can be just as, if not more, painful than feeling visible and attacked. I discovered that I can handle being scolded but not being made to feel like I don't exist.

When I decided to apply the adage "it's better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission" in order to do my job, Z miraculously appeared. To question why I was skipping her.

By that point in my career I had learned not to hold anything back, so I spoke to Z - even though she was hard to find - on more than one occasion. When I told her that I was upset that she didn't answer me, she would display surprise. Then she would tell me that I could also contact her through the office chat "when something was urgent". My chat messages, with the little eye symbol showing that they had been read, remain unanswered. In the spirit of exhausting all instances, I also spoke to Z's boss to inform her of the situation. She "dully noted" it. In the end I learned to live with Z's style by sending her emails to keep her informed and looking for new directions in the company. I never received anything remotely resembling congratulations or thanks.

By that time I would have been satisfied with a cold "OK", which didn't arrive either. I know she read my emails because, at the very least, one out of every four messages received a response in which she explained why she disagreed with my proposal or viewpoint.

We learn from all bosses

As often happens in the corporate world, a short time later came a restructuring and I ended up in a different position and with one of the best bosses I have had in my career. From conversations I had with others, I could tell that Z's style was not directed "against me". It was her standard modus operandi.

We learn from all bosses. From some we take values and behaviours that we want to emulate, and from others we take away a glimpse of what we would never want to be. In my case X and Z taught me, by contrast, at least five elements that for me are the minimum I expect from a boss. I make every effort to demonstrate these principles through my own actions as a leader:

1.?????? Treat everyone kindly and respectfully

2.?????? Recognize and value the existence of each team member?

3.?????? Respond promptly to concerns and requests for support

4.?????? Be genuinely open to disagreements and different points of view.

5.?????? Communicate frequently, respect agendas and create spaces for conversation

In my experience I have learned that leadership can be exercised in many ways. That we can - and should - talk about a shared vision, purpose and meaning. That we can have different styles of following-up, pursuing outstanding performance and managing. But if these five pillars do not precede the way we work with people, we can hardly build teams of high morale and commitment.

The lunch with my friend didn't bring unsettling memories just for remembering X's leadership style. It did so especially because it was painful to see on his face the suffering he had gone through and the fact that I could have done so much more to prevent more people from feeling that way at the time. Fortunately, instead of holding to those unfortunate remembrances, it is here that my optimistic and positive nature reappears to encourage me and remind me that we cannot change the past. What we can do, however, is to continue to focus our purpose and dedicate our efforts to building better workplaces, where people can flourish and bring out their full potential. Helping to ensure that no one feels like my friend with X's mistreatment and no one feels like me with Z's lack of treatment.

Have you encountered any bosses like X or Z in your careers?