WHAT I LEARNED FROM A MOTHER OF GIRLS

Or how we inspire quietly 

In my keynotes' series "#Diversity and the Magic in You" I intentionally quote a woman because she taught me (unconsciously and consciously) how to deal with diversity especially with the obstacles that come with it. I used to think that it was a compliment when relatives and neighbors called her "mother of girls," But it wasn't.

"A world of contrasts" is what many reporters call the colorful life in Kenya. I call it diversity.

A, theme that is fashionable right now, but in fact is nothing new. I am still convinced that if dealing with diversity starts at home, and not only when we notice a gap in salaries between men and women in companies. If we fully understand this, we would be celebrating diversity together more often.

Today, I would love to share 7 learnings from this woman, A woman with 11 children, most of whom she raised alone. Her choice you might say. Yes, you are right. It's not about acknowledging that. She holds herself responsible and that's why there are no rooms for blame-games.

 The article focuses on her tools.

 1. Attitude and dignity. Know your boundary, so you don't keep on deciding.

"If you don't confine your circle of dignity clearly enough, you will have to rethink every tempting offer, every deal. That's not just a big waste of time. It also erodes your self-respect and reputation - making you more vulnerable to future offers. A true vicious circle, in other words" - says Rolf Dobelli in his book "The Art of Living Well." - freely translated.

There were a number of issues that were simply non-negotiable for this woman. I was too shortsighted to understand some of her decisions. Now, with more life experience, I understand them more and more.

When her children lacked school fee, many voices came to her saying, "You need to report your husband," "You need to look for another husband who can take care of you," "You could promise your girls to someone." Even though she could have got all the reasons to do the above, she maintained her dignity.

She sharply defined her circle of dignity; the values within that circle were non-negotiable.

Learning #1: diversity also means many opinions, which may be well-intentioned, but ultimately, you alone will have to live with the consequences. Define your boundaries well. Ask yourself: What is negotiable for you to fit in somewhere or what not?

2. Concentrate on topics that will bring you forward

If you have been to Kenya, you know how beautiful Kenyan women braid their hair. A masterpiece.

When this woman got sick and therefore lost her job, when the situation became harder and harder, she decided to focus her energy on even less things. Whether her belly was full or empty, the sound of her knitting machine accompanied her children day and night. Diligent, concentrated and focused, she worked hard to see her kids through.

This meant no visiting hairstylists anymore, (luckily there are headscarves she always said), no sitting-on-the-veranda-and-gossiping visits like others did, etc. She often said, "be aware of what is told around in the salons and how much time you would spend there". We're not talking about 15-minute haircuts. That was a day's investment.

Learning #2: when things get harder and harder, tighten up your activities and your circle.

3. Accept the situations and encourage your kids and those around you

As said before, "mother of girls" was not a compliment. 9 out of 11 of her children are girls. For the kids, it was great, for relatives and society a reason to mock her. "These girls are lost, growing up without a father..." people continued saying.

This woman called herself "Proud mother of girls". She accepted her situation, therefor it was difficult to hurt her with it. She encouraged her kids. "You, my girls, are the future" she used to say. Never did she show doubt, never did she say bad things about others. She made her kids her fans.

She told them about strong women in history and politics. 

Learning #3: Accept your being different with dignity and show that it was not an issue. "Let them talk,-attitude" works.

4. Build allies and fans. Today we would say, build a community

This mother was very committed to orphans, to children and young people who were in trouble from society's point of view.

Of course, there were those who took advantage of her being nice, but she did not judge. As a worker in Homa-Bay, Kenya, she did not have the benefit of being integrated into the pension system. Her investment in many children and youth, without expecting anything, still pays off now. Even up to date, she is never alone.

Many come by and thank her for what she did years ago (her pension partially secured:-)) and she has thus built a strong and value centered community. We still feel this when we visit. Every time I am strongly touched by the impact such gestures have on people.

Learning #4: remember, even if it looks like everyone is against you, you can build your community with patience. Someone will always be there for you.

5: Let others underestimate you. You do not have to prove your talents to everyone, but know when you are needed most.

Author Rolf Dobelli continues to ask in his book "The Art of Living Well": "Which would you rather have: you are the most intelligent person, but the world thinks you are the dumbest? Or you are the dumbest person and the world thinks you are the most intelligent."

In the old days, without social media, there was also this search for recognition. She used to say: "What counts is what you think about yourself." She consistently followed this path. It wasn't just her kids who totally underestimated her. However, when it really mattered, she stood up for herself and her family, and one day even saved her husband's life.

There was once a political unrest in Nairobi and all Luos (an ethnic group in Kenya) were visited by "opponents" with the aim of killing them, from door to door. 

Fortunately, from her Swahili accent, you would not know that she was a Luo. She straightened up and explained that her husband had been sick in bed for days, unable to speak, and in that way saved his life with a made-up story.

Learning #5. When it really matters, use your hidden talents. Find out that magic in you and use it for your business.

6. Rituals help us to use the space between stimulus and reaction better. 

Every evening she gathered her kids for a ritual: singing together, studying selected chapters from the Bible (everyone had a turn to read) and interpreting them, getting down on our knees together and praying. I am not going to emphasize the religious aspect here, but rather the impact of this simple ritual. Her kids had no space to complain. While praying they were simply grateful for themselves, for health, and this prepared them mentally for what was to come.

Now and then even a candle was missing. In such cases, they were flexible to have everything ready before sunset so that they could lie down right after the evening prayer. Looking back: in a house without television and electronics, that was the best entertainment.

Learning #6: forgiving and letting go are the keywords. Install that ritual that will bring you forward.

 7. If someone does not notice when you do something good, do it anyway.

This point is very much related to "Circle of Dignity". Stand by your values whether you get credit for them or not.

This woman did one simple thing with great effect consistently: no matter where she was, at home or in strange places, she greeted everyone she met on the way.

For her children, that was embarrassing, especially when someone didn't answer. She was considered the "friendliest neighbor" and made it easier for her kids to borrow for salt or flour when they were short of something. She built a foundation for togetherness.

Learning #7: Make the first step in terms of meeting other people and other cultures. Make it easier for your counterpart, even if it may come to the realization at the beginning "Thank God she speaks our language."

Conclusion

 If we create a healthy base at home, encountering other cultures, other people with other values will not be an issue. Dealing with diversity does not begin and end when we have "diversity managers" in the companies.

(Picture by my daughter, 2020)

Living diversity means first knowing yourself and your values, defining your circle of dignity and taking the first step.

The woman in the story is my mother.

Of course, I used to question some of her decisions, but now I deliberately take out the learnings and find it amazing and worth sharing that she has been consistent in her stance.

And you? Who inspired you when growing up or even afterwards?

 Susan Omondi

June 13th, 2021