What I Learned from Her

It was 2:30am and I was about thirty minutes into a three hour drive back home. I had just left the intensive care unit where my mother was showing higher oxygen levels than she had in about a week. Though dire, I was encouraged. I needed to get back home for a day to take care of some things before going back to the hospital. Mom was in an induced coma and on her third week of some radical treatments to try to counter a very tough version of pneumonia. My mom was fifty eight. She had been in perfect health three weeks prior. The three weeks had been very difficult as various medical methods were employed with the latest being so tough that the coma was necessary.

The phone was on the seat next to me. It rang. It was my dad. He had just received a call from the hospital. My mom’s heart had stopped, and they had to fight to get her back. I turned the car around as I heard him describe the situation. His voice was full of emotion and worry.

I got back to the hospital and rushed to the ICU. The scene was one that I will never forget. I knew that we were near the end. I watched the pulses on the monitor get fewer and fewer as I held her hand. I then lost my hero. My dad was beside me; he was hurting so badly. The moment was surreal. She had always been my rock. This just couldn’t be happening.

The days and weeks that followed were the hardest of my life. She had always been such a major part of my life. I would wake up thinking that it had all been a bad dream only then to be hit with the reality. I would often catch myself reaching for the phone to call her only to realize that she was not there.

At the funeral, the impact of her journey was reinforced. The moment we exited my childhood home, law enforcement officials stood at full attention on the side of the road about every 15 yards on the 1/3 mile trip to the country church that was overrun with so many people from many places. As we entered the church, I was overwhelmed at the kindness in everyone’s faces. For those who knew me best, they knew this loss was devastating. Those who shared messages at the service spoke of the profound impact of her journey and her specific impact on them at a very personal level.

In the months that followed, the massive sting of the loss began to transition into remembrances of what made her so special. Here, eighteen years later, I can honestly say that there has never been a day that she was not on my mind. So, what made her fifty eight year old life so special? In a bit of a rambling way and with the message tainted by my lack of ability in writing, I will share.

The Early Years

First, let me paint the picture of her upbringing. She grew up in the small farming community of Henderson, Georgia. Henderson is basically an unincorporated community that sits at the intersection of two roads and in the midst of our old farm and the farms of other families. The family roots run deep in Henderson and have for generations. My mom started her schooling in a one-room building that had multiple ages sitting together. As the stories are told of her youth in this time before televisions and other sources of news, folks recognized some early qualities emerging in her. She was so bright. She was on a constant quest to learn. She read everything possible. He hunger to learn was beyond any measure. She also worked very hard; everyone in Henderson knew hard work.

Given the size of the farm that was built by her father and mother, a decision was made to build a supply store for the family and community. This became the gathering place for countless families around the town of Henderson. Many would come for miles to be a part of the wonderful conversations that filled the air here. It was here that her knowledge further expanded. She had an uncanny ability to engage folks from all backgrounds and strangers from far away who were passing through the crossroads. I spent so much of my youth in that old store as well. I would watch her as she talked to folks – strangers and dear long time friends. When she was listening, there was the feeling that she was hanging on your every word - she was. Her questions were probing. There was an ever present smile that came straight from her sweet soul. It warmed the heart of so many over the years. I think many would walk in the door to have her lift their spirits. Folks who were hurting from a hard chapter in life would come to her. Countless times, she had her arm around the person facing the trial, offering comfort in a way that I have never seen equaled. Words fail to capture the scenes rushing through my mind at this moment. Sincerity, well, she knew no other way. She was the most genuine person that I have every known. There was also no one who escaped her love.

Her High School Years

Her high school years were filled with further growth. She excelled at the high school in Perry, Georgia, which was about eight miles up the road from her one room school in Henderson. Her academic skills in the 50’s were astounding. I was blessed to have two of her teachers decades later as teachers of my own. They told me of her gifts and of the quality of young lady that she was.  Indeed, this set a high bar for me with those same teachers. As she neared the final part of her senior year, she received many academic honors including that of Salutatorian for her graduating class.

Georgia Tech

About this time is when something very special happened. She had learned that Georgia Tech had begun accepting females. Of all her readings in the early 50’s, news about the emerging space program captivated her. In this world that focused on men at the time, she decided that she was going to Tech to study Aerospace Engineering. One of my most treasured positions is her old Rat Cap from Tech, with her being one of the early female recipients. She had a big dream.

It was very shortly after arriving in Atlanta that she experienced the first setback of a very special life. Moving from a small rural community to a large city and being at a place dominated by men at the time were just too much. She decided to leave school to head home to the family farm. I know that this had to be a devastating moment for her.

On arrival back in Henderson, she resumed her former walk and continued to bless souls while learning many financial skills that would serve the family well over the years. She was a financial genius.

She soon married my dad. A few years after that, I showed up in the equation. It is there that my direct memories of this special soul pick up.

Our Early Years Together

In every step of our walk together, one thing was always present. She loved me beyond measure and I knew it! No matter the circumstances, my failures, my shortcomings, her love for me never yielded.

Simply put, her dreams as a child now transitioned to me. From my earliest moments, I can remember her reading to me constantly. Her words covered so many topics and opened my eyes in this small community to a world of possibilities. Her passion for space was always present, and you better believe she took me to the Cape. I remember us both staring that the Saturn V rockets of Apollo fame with wonder.

She also made sure that much of our days were spent teaching me math. It started with lessons of addition and subtraction and evolved to more advanced work together over the years. Another of my priced possessions is her old high school Algebra book. We spent countless hours sitting side-by-side working problems from that old book that today bears the tattered look from two generations. She had the patience of Job as I struggled with concepts. She then had the ability to make me feel so special when I understood. At this moment, I can still see that warm look that she would give me after a key step forward.

Life on the Farm

I was blessed with learning hard work very early in my life on the farm. From about the age of six, I had duties on the farm that would push me both physically and mentally. She never shielded me from these requirements. She knew that developing a deep work ethic in these foundational years and that knowing truly hard work would provide me a strong basis for the future years.

I also remember working by her side in the large family garden at the close of many summer days. Tired from days in the hot sun and fields, I would spend the evenings in our family garden with her. The rows were long in this half acre garden. We would pick our rows side by side while talking constantly about such a wide variety of topics. My goodness, I can see her now in the golden light of a sunset talking to me, dreaming with me about what awaited. She just knew it was going to be special and would constantly remind me to prepare for it. I also remember the countless honks of horns that would pass us by on the road with bright smiles in the windows as they looked toward “Mrs. Vivian” with her looking up and waving back with a big smile of her own.

As the years continued, this quality of dreaming that she gave me grabbed a part of most every day. I can remember the countless miles on the tractor plowing the fields and thinking of what might lie ahead. Instead of dread of mundane and repetitive laps around the fields, I dreamed of the countdown of the rocket engines to fire for my trip into space, of inventing numerous new things, of being the president, of playing football and of exploring many places. She had given me this wonderful gift that made the hottest days full of so much wonder.

My Mom, the Competitor

When my athletic years approached, she then gave me another quality. I learned the depth of my mom, the competitor. Though she stood only 5’2” and about 115 pounds, she had the heart of a lion. In Georgia during those years, football was king. For my mom, football was not a fall sport. It was going to be an all year enterprise for her son as long as I loved the game. 

In the late seventies, there were few who had a weight training regimen. I like most of my peers got our weight training on the farm. She decided that this was not enough. So, in my ninth grade year, she and some other mothers decided to take a small group of us to a gym three times a week in Macon, Georgia which was thirty miles away. Now, picture this. My mom was a petite lady, full of grace. I remember the first trip to that gym. It looked like the one that Rocky had used. It was full of older men. And, the proprietor looked like a muscular version of Rocky’s coach. The two of them had a conversation about me. That discussion involved the addition of 20 pounds of muscle mass in short order! She made it clear to him that this had to be achieved. Over the weeks to come, that goal was accomplished with me entering my football years as a fit freshman.

The football years were wonderful for our relationship. Her competitiveness transitioned to me from these interactions. She was so focused. She did not have to prod me. I wanted to excel. The trips to Macon gave way to the investment in weights of our own. It was a year round sport that supplemented my work on the farm. As a senior, I had reached a size and strength level that was uncommon for the time. She did not allow this to inhibit our frequent discussions about the game. Imagine seeing the conversations from this petite lady to her 245 pound son after a game and after practices. The side benefit for the farm was the great efficiency that this training provided. I still remember hoisting hundred pound bags like they were feathers. 

 The Patient Teacher

The football field was not the only place where I learned of her competitiveness. When I reached high school, she had one standard for me academically - 100. Anything less than that was not acceptable. Now, don’t take this the wrong way. She was just setting the standard for me and trying to help me understand a far bigger picture about learning and about execution. There was one problem in this portion of our journey together. She was truly gifted;  I was not. What happened then was another life learning - working hard could overcome most any obstacle. After farm and football duties each, my evenings were spent in study with her always nearby if I needed anything. And, she always had the answers to those questions that I provided her and was willing to take the time to share. We spent countless hours together in the evenings studying subjects of all types. When I had a moment of understanding of a new concept, the smile on her face would light the room. Her hugs and expressions of pride in me were frequent and genuine.

College Days

College time came. You guessed it. Georgia Tech was going to be my destination. I enrolled and entered a cauldron.  I was surrounded by truly gifted people from all over the world. I had also chosen one of the toughest degrees at Tech. The competition for grades was so intense. As her, I had moved from the same small town to a large city and was trying to adjust. Even the simplest things were tough. In Henderson, the nights were so quiet and restful.  There in Atlanta, the sirens filled the evening air.

I was working so hard trying to keep up. I would call her every day on an old rotary phone. She was hanging on my every update and giving me so much encouragement.

The first round of testing came. I will never forget that first calculus test. I had not seen anything like the problems on the test in the weeks prior. Three days later, I got my first grade at Georgia Tech, a 35. For someone who had a 99.2 average in the four years of high school, imagine the impact on me. I was so heartbroken to call her to report the news that night. She was so encouraging, but I could hear the worry in her voice. Similar scores followed that quarter in calculus, chemistry and other classes. I was working upwards of 18 hours a day trying to combat the trend. Though I never gave in, it began to feel like a hopeless situation. When I would return home on the weekends, she wanted to help me so much. She was so disappointed in herself when she realized that she could no longer help given the complexity of the curriculum that I was engaging. She kept encouraging and comforting me. However, the outcome seemed inevitable.

The first quarter concluded. Back in those days, there was no internet. You grades came via mail. I can remember the long walks to the mailbox each morning to see if they had arrived. On the mornings prior to the day the grades arrived, she would shift the discussion to talking about alternative next steps. I was so down. It was killing her to see me in this state.

On a Thursday morning, I opened the door of the mailbox. There it was, a simple white envelope with a gold GT on it. I didn’t open it. I remember the walk back to the house like it was yesterday. I handed it to her as we sat at the kitchen table. She slowly opened it at my request. He eyes look bewildered when she gazed at the paper on the inside.  Her reaction was not the right one for what had to lie in that note. She handed it to me. I looked down and the status DEAN’S LIST was the only thing I saw!!!! There must have been a mistake. In the hours to follow, we learned that a curve system was used at Tech. Students competed for grades. My 35 had not been a failure. The grinding eighteen hour days had delivered. 

Well, the bounce in our steps the remainder of those holidays was bigger than life. We both were on cloud nine! As to life events, this one was a big one. I was still not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I knew that hard work was a great equalizer. I also knew that I could compete and win. The hard work continued in the years that followed as did eleven more of those DEAN’S LIST notes. I have all twelve of them today. She enjoyed every single one of them. I enjoyed her experiencing them more than I did myself!

When graduation came, I walked across the stage. I remember looking toward her. For me, this was the culmination of my undergraduate work and another step.

For her, there was closure for her departure from there in the fifties. My goodness, this was such a special moment for us.

The Years After College

A short time later, I married the love of my life. We left for another state to begin our journey. As my mother’s only child, I knew that this hurt. We stayed in constant contact talking most every day with frequent visits helping.

The arrival of grandchildren was magical for her. I loved her love of them!!! In the few years she had with them, she had a tremendous impact.

Over these years, her dedication to a host of folks in the community and to her church just blossomed. As in the years of the store, she had continual visits from those who wished to experience her love, compassion and wisdom. She was ever encouraging a host of children in the community, trying to do for them what she had done for me. She touched them all at a soulful level.

Then, something special happened. Two men came to our home one day. They knew of her gifts. They asked her to serve on the board of a local power company. I believe that she might have been the first or one of the first females to be asked to do so. She loved working for that board, and they loved her! Soon after, she became an officer on the board. Her leadership skills blossomed. I was so proud of her! On her loss, the company placed a plaque with her image and words about her on its newest building. I remember going to that dedication and hearing so many talk so glowingly about her. You see, in every step of her journey, she left this deep impact!

The Pines

Since her loss, I have received countless notes and comments from people about her specific impact on them. I read them all in amazement. Though I thought I had seen most of the events happen, I quickly learned that the ones that had had witnessed were a very small fraction of the total number from her special journey.

Though I think of her daily no matter where I am, my experiences today are particularly poignant in a pine forest back home on our farm. Years ago, she, my dad and I would spend countless days on this particular piece of property planting small pine seedlings. Today, those pines are massive. When I walk there today, I hear the wind whistling through them and have remembrances of the many discussions that we had while planting there.

Faith

The greatest gift has not yet been mentioned. With all the words above, you might probably discern that my mother was a soul of deep faith. From my earliest moments, I saw her focus on faith - deep prayer, unbridled thankfulness for the gift of grace, intense Bible study and living by those qualities that you would expect from someone who was focused on their faith. I never remember any moment when our faith was not center in our lives. Her life was a testimony. She would be the first to point out her shortcomings; she never wanted the focus on herself.

This focus on faith led to a key moment in my life for which there are simply no words to properly describe.  My decision in this area was by far the most important one of my life. Volumes could be written on our discussions regarding our common faith.

The Years Since

In the years since, I still celebrate with her. Indeed, my bride, her two grandchildren and their wonderful journeys would bring a smile to her face if seeing that is possible from heaven. Will's graduation from Tech a short time ago had me looking upward.

Whenever I have a moment of achievement, I still see her smile. Whenever I fall short, I feel her hug, that reassuring look in her eyes and her looking forward, setting the vision toward the next step.

I miss her so much. My eyes grown teary often thinking about her.

If you have made it this far, perhaps you might say, “Bill was so blessed to have a front row seat to witness and experience one of the most special souls in history.”  

Indeed I was.

Look at the list of things discussed so far. These are just the tip of the spear of her walk:

-  Deep and continuous love is a foundational element of life.

-  Humility has to be at the core. Pride is such a silly thing considering true perspective. Pride is usually at the root of so much of what is wrong in this world.

-  Sincerity must be present in all interactions.

-  Genuineness leads to deep sharing.

-  Kindness and compassion make days special for all close to them.

-  Don’t ever judge and demean others. No one has that right.

-  Always be a comforter. Always take the time to comfort others.

-   Be a dreamer and help others see and seek their dreams, especially children.

-   Constantly encourage others, especially when they are down.

-   Give the best hugs during moments of achievement and in moments of challenge.

-   Hard work can overcome most any obstacle. Practice it every day.

-   Be a competitor. Set your standards high and work all year long to achieve them.

-  Be an active communicator. Seek out very diverse backgrounds and engage with your whole heart. Listen intensely. Ask probing questions. The quality of all engagements will be exponentially greater if you do this.

-  Take time to teach – your children and those who seek to be taught. Be patient.  Celebrate achievements.

-   It all starts with a solid foundation in your faith.

All of these words and more were associated with her. And, for all her knew her, a nodding head and a personal story to follow will reinforce the impact of her journey.

I hope my words give some glimpse of what she meant to me.

I miss her so much.