What I learned from a 10-day silent meditation retreat

"Are you okay?"?

I must have heard that question a hundred times when I told my friends I was going for a 10-day silent meditation retreat. The idea of disconnecting completely from the outside world and not speaking a word for 10 days seemed unimaginable, and of course, scary. Why would anyone voluntarily put themselves through such pain, especially someone like me who could barely sit still for a minute? And yet, having lived in some of the fastest cities in the world - Singapore, Shanghai, Beijing, and New York - I chose to put my life on hold for 10 days.

I’ve been struggling to figure out what’s next yet I also wanted a break. That’s when I knew I needed space with myself to think before mapping out my next steps, so I booked my ticket, packed a few items, and left. The “test” had already started before day one; we could only register in person at the retreat center on day zero. There is no online registration to confirm a spot, which made me feel unsettled. “What if they weren't open, what am I going to do in the next 10 days?”

But my fears were unfounded and these 10 days were probably one of the most well-spent times I’ve had with myself in the past 10 years. I never would have imagined that I would enjoy the silence and “doing nothing but meditate”. And I truly enjoyed almost every single moment of it. Slowing down gave me space to connect the dots, and see things from different perspectives. That’s where the realization came. I had to face the BS I’d been pulling on myself all this time. It “hit me like a wrecking ball” and I loved it, it was so painfully true and much needed for me to identify destructive behaviors and break my thought pattern.

Many friends are curious about the experience, it was so transformational that I can only try my best to condense and share some key learnings here. I’ll explore each key learning in subsequent articles.

Obsession with modern productivity?

What even is productivity? I never realized my unhealthy relationship with time - equating being busy with being productive. The fear of losing out and lagging. I wake up every morning with my mind racing to the end of the day already, mentally scanning through my long list of to-dos. My mind is already occupied with how to maximize the day.?

The 10 days of “standing still” made me realize my elaborate morning routine was a way to create a false sense of productivity - because I’m just rushing through to check off the long list of to-dos. What is that fear driving me to maximize every single waking minute? What is that guilt I feel when I take a break? Why are we blindly wearing the “worked long hours” as a badge of honor? At the end of the day, what have we done all day to move the needle??

Being present at every moment?

How do we show up for every moment Are we fully present now? Mostly, we are always thinking ahead, already worrying about what’s next when the current moment is not over yet.?

The meditation hall doesn't have a clock, there is no sense of time. But ironically, that’s when I am the most present. There is only the now when there is “no time”. I could only focus on breathing and training my mind to be present. It made me realize (again) my poor relationship with time. I’m always trying to maximize every minute and worrying about what’s next. I wanted to do everything to fill my time so I don’t have to sit with my thoughts. Being present also meant being at ease with yourself, and with your thoughts.?

Always Day Zero?

People asked how can I do the same things for 10 days, but is each day or even each moment the same? Every breath I take while meditating is different. Every day my body feels different, and my state of mind is different - I approach the “same action” with a different perspective. I need to adjust my expectations according to how my mind and body feel every day.?

Days will feel the same if you allow your body to take the lead and go on auto-pilot mode. When you lead with your mind, every action is intentional, you get to observe yourself. Every moment is a restart. Just because I had a good moment right now, it doesn’t guarantee the next moment will be good too.?

No one moment is the same, it will never happen the same way again. So why hold on to memories/moments and wish for the same thing to happen again?

Mindfulness takes constant practice

Before the retreat, I always thought I had quite a good level of mindfulness - awareness of my actions and goals. But I was so wrong. Mindfulness is not a result. It’s something you practice at every waking moment of life.

Mindfulness doesn’t stay just because you took the first step, you’ve to stay focused on the current task you’ve on hand. On Day 5 lunch, after many meals of boiled vegetables - the kitchen served us fried fritters. Up till now, I’ve been eating mindfully - giving thanks for any food we are served and seeing eating as a means to maintain the body for spiritual development. I didn’t care how the food was cooked as long as there is food. But the fried fritters were so delicious, I unknowingly desired more even when my bowl was still full. I stopped being intentional about savoring every bite, I wasn’t contented with what I have now because I was fixated on my desire for more. I wanted to prolong the “good feeling” instead of being grateful for every bite. One careless thought will knock you off balance.

Relationship with self

“The desire to improve is a form of self-aggression”. It hit me hard as I’ve always struggled to accept my “whole self”. I’ve never been happy with “the me” at any given moment, never felt enough in my own eyes, and there are always things to improve on.?

I never thought in my desire to improve, I’ve been unkind to myself. I’m extremely thankful to the nun who reminded us. Since that lesson, I started practicing positive self-talk before every meditation session. Starting small by reminding myself that just showing up is good enough. Just before, I would set sky-high expectations like “to meditate for 1 hour being fully focused” and end up criticizing myself immediately for falling short (which I did). We are enough, be kinder to ourselves.

The bigger challenge is practicing mindfulness when we are back in the “real world”, where we are constantly surrounded by distractions and triggers. And the world is no longer about me and my thoughts. It has been 2 months since the session, I try my best to practice mindfulness and I still fall short in many ways - it’s okay, as long as I’m trying! Life doesn’t magically fall into place just because you attended a 10-day retreat, it’s the consistent practice of mindfulness and choosing to show up every day no matter how hard it is.??

Here are some photos of the retreat center - taken after the retreat