What I Learned About Education from Being a Mom

Educators’ kids are supposed to be school kids. They grow up under the intense weight of our expectations. They watch us write lesson plans, help us decorate our classrooms and know better than most how to navigate the school system. By all measures our children should excel in school, but what happens if it doesn’t turn out that way? My youngest son, Akil, rebelled against school every step of the way. Instead of using his insider status to achieve in school, he used it to defiantly break every rule that was ever created. His middle school and high school years cost me more than grief than you can ever imagine. He fought, defied school authority and got into all kinds of trouble. On more than one occasion I have been called out of meetings to rush to his school in order to deal with one of his disciplinary issues. I came to believe that his behavior in school was a direct assault on my professional reputation. How could I possibly be a great school leader if I couldn’t even parent my own child effectively?

                To complicate the issue my son is smart, I mean “off the charts” smart. He scored so well on his PSAT exams that he started getting serious recruitment material from top private colleges even though his GPA was in the toilet. But it was more than just scoring well, he is a natural-born analytical thinker; one who can analyze issues from different perspectives and shed new light on a situation. One of his high school teachers once said to me, “I wish Akil would just come to class more often because the level of discourse is just not as sophisticated when he’s not here.” Instead of being flattered I was embarrassed that I failed to train this brilliant young man to be more compliant. What I learned from being Akil’s mom and struggling through some really tough times helped me to become a better and more caring educator. I empathized with parents in a way that I never could have without these experiences. I understood how hard it is for parents to come to school feeling frustrated, embarrassed and overwhelmed when dealing with a disciplinary issue because I lived it. I realized how important it is for the educators to suspend judgment when dealing with parents and adopt the attitude that we are not condemning this child or their family but we are partnering with families in order to collectively find solutions to address problem behavior. This doesn’t mean that students should not face consequences when warranted, but it does mean that the emphasis is less on punishment and more on understanding the right intervention for this child. Raising my son changed my core beliefs about approaching discipline and those private and sometimes painful experiences shaped my actions as a school and district leader.

                Perhaps more importantly than what Akil taught me about school discipline is what he taught me about being a parent. Like most parents I thought he should follow in my footsteps in some shape or form, but Akil told me in a variety of ways that his path is different and unlike whatever I had dreamed up for him. One of the biggest sources of contention in our relationship has been over college. My son announced sometime in the middle of his sophomore year that he was not going to college. He was enrolled in a CTE program in marine system technology at Urban Assembly New York Harbor School and he decided he would pursue a career in that field and didn’t need a college degree.   It was news that I refused to accept. Out of the five stages of grief I never got past denial. Although he was happy that he finally found something that motivated him and excited him about learning, I was still intent on molding his vision for his life into the template I had already designed for him. He began to excel in his technical classes; he got accepted into competitive internships and acquired certifications in his field but I still wanted something “more” for him. Conversations we had began with me trying to listen to his excitement about his work while secretly contemplating ways to seamlessly integrate college into the discussion. Our mutual frustration around this issue led to a barrier in our communication that we are still working to lift. Though it took me a while, I finally learned to accept the child who is in front of me instead of the one I thought I should have; which included accepting that his career path might not include a four-year college degree.

                After graduating high school in June with this CTE endorsed New York State Regents diploma, Akil transitioned to the world of work. He got a job at a local marina where he spent his days on a fuel dock monitoring boats and supporting the crew. He got some opportunities to apply his technical skills but not nearly enough. In his downtime at the marina he found himself assigned to menial tasks that did not require him to use his talents or really push him to grow professionally. After six months of trying his hand in the real world and cleaning his fair share of public bathrooms, Akil decided he wanted to go to college. After doing some research he applied to a local community college that offers an associate’s degree in maritime technology. He came to me to discuss his plan and asked for my support which I happily granted. Now as a college freshman, he takes classes in history, sociology and spends time on boats with professors who are  also captains so he can pursue his craft.  I was so happy with his decision but I was hesitant to let him know. It was important for both of us to realize in that moment that this was his decision; however the joy was ours to share. It took years of being an administrator to learn how to lead, but thankfully my son eventually taught me to how to listen.

Monique Darrisaw-Akil, Ed.D.