What I learned after 20 years of binge eating

It dawned on me?the other day that I spent 20 years?of my adult life in a cycle of restricting food, over-exercising and then binge eating.

And I felt compelled to share more about my story with the hope that others in the same pattern feel less alone.?

[Warning: this is long. If you don't like reading, this is not for you.]

So yes, I spent all of my 20s?and 30s terrified of food.

I didn’t trust myself around food.?

I thought food hated me and that my body was broken.

I thought I couldn’t eat like everyone else.

I never could borrow clothes from my?friends as an adolescent or buy cute jeans because I could never fit anything over my thighs... and I'd get that huge gap at my waist.

There was no J. Lo yet. No one famous had curves. Waif thin was "in" and body shaming of healthy women was rampant on the front pages of trash magazines.

There were no ubiquitous amounts of stretchy leggings like there are today.

I spent decades hating my legs that I never wore a real bikini until my mid 30s.

And forget shorts. That was a no go.

With strong Norwegian genes, I always felt that my body was built different,?only to be reinforced by unsolicited verbal comments?from extended family members?and even strangers.

[The amount of comments I?received from people discussing my body and my weight directly to my face - as if it was an?inanimate object - is just as horrifying as it sounds. And I know so many others who experienced this?growing up, too. We need to talk more openly about the impact that this had on us over time.]

I thought I had to starve myself all day (also known as intermittent fasting nowadays) only to find myself in a bottle of or entire box of at night, feeling like a failure with zero willpower.?

Not once did I ever consider that my body was just hungry and that I deserved to eat and nourish myself.

Not once.

I thought I had to spend 2-3 hours in the gym everyday doing extreme cardio and years later, intense CrossFit style workouts, just to maintain my weight (forget about trying to lose it).?

I avoided eating around other people at all costs because I was so ashamed.?

I canceled plans, avoided trips, always showed up 5 hours late because I was exercising first.

I felt that I didn’t deserve to eat.

I didn’t deserve food.

I only felt safe eating alone but not really because that was a slippery slope to binge eating episodes.?

Sometimes, I’d be on a binge episode and purchase boxes of cookies and Nutella, eat so fast until I almost got sick, threw the rest in the trash, and at times, pulled the contraband out of the trash later to eat ?

Even the trash couldn’t stop me, so then I’d throw things out and cover it in salt, ketchup and pepper, hoping that would stop my “uncontrollable” appetite that was just asking to be fed.

Try falling asleep on a stomach so full it feels like it could burst… there is no way you’re eating breakfast the next day, and so the cycle would continue.?

I told myself I would just restrict more and exercise more the next day… that I could have will power and just regulate!

But I never did.

And the cycle repeated endlessly.

My thoughts were mostly hijacked by food, hatred and annoyance of food, self-loathing, and poor body image.

I thought about seeking professional help but was too ashamed to talk about it to anyone.?

So, I kept restricting food?and over-exercising?and drinking a ton of booze, which was an appetite suppressant for me if I drank long enough.

By my 30s, I had such a poor relationship to my body image and food that I prayed to God for a son with both my pregnancies because I didn’t want to pass down any of my own unhealed trauma to a daughter

Eventually, I hit my absolute breaking point at around age 36, and that’s when I met my now business partner, Shannon....

It was the first time I had ever worked with a coach.?

I thought it was going to be another diet… instead, it changed my entire life.?

She opened my eyes to viewing nutrition as a way to NOURISH myself.

She helped me create safety in my body around food by demonstrating how I could eat during the day and not have to fear binge eating at night because my body was finally getting the nutrients it needed and my appetite regulated.

She taught me nutrition science - how different foods work in the body - and how to eat meals in balanced ways for maximum taste, pleasure, and energy.

She held space for me when I inevitably “failed” and returned to old eating habits and coping mechanisms and reminded me that it was all perfect and normal and part of the process…?

She told me that I just needed to pick myself up the next day and keep going because it was just extra fuel in the tank and I was going to have an epic workout the following day!

She cheered me on when we both watched in awe as my body transformed but more than anything, it was the changes in my mood and energy within DAYS of learning this information that sealed the deal for me.

And after 20 years of treating my body poorly and eating like an a$$hole, I’ve been eating mindfully now for 6 years… and the benefits keep compounding month after month, year after year.??

Once food and eating and exercise were no longer a mystery to me and I am no longer spending every waking hour trying to lose weight, everything in life became more rich, more vibrant, more alive, more intentional, more loving.?

Now that I know how to properly fuel my body, I’m not afraid of food anymore.

I’m not afraid of myself anymore.?

Food is not something that consumes me anymore…

Food is not something I use as my only source of pleasure in life.

Food (and alcohol) are not something I use to cope with stress or to avoid uncomfortable emotions.

Food is one of many things that nourishes me.

Making peace with food allowed me to make peace with my body and peace with myself.

And I want to help anyone and everyone who has ever felt like a prisoner to their own thoughts around food and body image…

Let me save you 20 years of trial and error: true health is something you relax into.

It’s ease and grace and presence.

?It’s knowing when to apply “pressure” and certain “stressors” without throwing off your entire nervous system.

And it works in your 40’s and beyond. You just need to know which levers to adjust.

If you want peace of mind in this area of your life so you can spend your precious thoughts and time and energy doing way more important things…

Click the?link below to Awaken Your Nutrition like I did.

We’ll chat on a free 45-minute call so you know exactly the next best step to take whether we decide to work together or not.

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It is our way of giving back and it’s 100% FREE to you!

May we all be free from the limiting beliefs and constructs we create in our minds.

We are destined for so much more.