What I hate about dying.

Fun. Engaging, always optimistic, energetic, and spiritually inclined. Rarely a down moment and never a bad day. Excited to cook, read, paint, sing, and let a perfectly ordinary day just be perfectly ordinary. Foodie and a romcom buff who loves a good political or philosophical argument; loves to hate on silly Bollywood films from the 50s through to the 90s; loves chai. Caring, introverted, sensitive, and quirky funny. Recently a doting mom, devoted to her toddler.

This is the woman I used to be a few weeks ago. I used to like her – this woman I’ve just described - a lot. She felt closest to my ideal. I’m not her anymore. She’s no more because my baby daddy and my partner, my foremost ever friend, left me (us) forever.

Now I’m someone living in excruciating pain, unable to genuinely feel my emotions or even smile, other than at my child. I’m working but as soon as it’s time to call it a day at work, my pain comes back. Gnawing at my insides. I feel disoriented. Abandoned. As if stranded on a strange island with creatures I don’t recognise; a language I don’t follow.

This man became my safe corner in this mad, mad world. With him I was enough, even when I didn't feel like it. He made me laugh, sure, but there’s more than that. With him, I was happy laughing at myself. I was also happy not dreaming big dreams. Point is, I was happy. Point is that I WAS. ?

Now I'm not any of those things and it hurts.

This is my very first write-up since it happened and this might seem clickbaity - the dying part especially. This is also the longest I’ve gone without writing.

But that is the thing about grief and I'm grieving the death of a man who brought me love and friendship, openness and warmth, loads of respect and feelings of safety and acceptance along with a spirit of adventure. With him, my life was a celebration. Along with my demons. Warts and all, don’t they say? I had it. Now I don’t.

When you grieve someone, you're grieving over the person you could be with him/her. They meant something to you because of the way they made you feel. Our biggest loss is in realising we'll never find that feeling again. That self you’ve grown to love and enjoy and look forward to. And that's what kicks the wind out of you. It certainly has kicked the wind out of me. I’m feeling completely lost.

RB, as I used to call him, and ZeeBee, as he used to call me, we vibed in a way that brought out the best of us in each other. It's why we also made my boy who is the apple of my eyes... and my hands and legs, and my pancreas, heart and my liver at the very least.

But now that he’s gone, I’ve no idea how to be that person again. I hate to think that my son will not get to know her. You see, I don’t believe in soulmates but what I do have are a few safe corners in this world where I can truly be myself. Where I matter. I can count them all on one hand.

Once you’re 40 and something like this hits you, you suddenly want to hedge all your little safe corners. You begin to fear losing them. And you begin to fear for your own – what if…? What if I’m not around long enough for my son…? It's like dying in parts.

It's a downward spiral and I’m on it sooner than I know. It’s overthinking. It’s anxiety. It’s everything you’re not supposed to do, yes. Just because you lose someone…

Each day is a struggle to step ever so slightly away from it and try and remember all the good, all the richness of life that still exists. You try to hold on to the bits and pieces that still inspire. You acknowledge clearly the opportunity you still have to carry the good work forward. You narrow things down to today and just now. Split life into manageable bits, what say?

Can I complete this assignment by the afternoon? Can I take my toddler to the pool today? Can we hustle up our favorite dish for the evening? Can we say our prayers together? Can we work towards a proper sleep schedule? Yes, that’s it. That’s doing it. Life.

So far, I haven’t come around to answering all the messages and connecting back with all of the people who’ve reached out to me. So far until this write-up, I’ve had nothing to “talk”. Today, I’m finally ready to lighten the load. That’s a step forward in my journey, I know. I need to do it here. On this platform. I need to do it everywhere I can be.

As long as I can keep taking that crucial step forward.

I’m getting there.

#grief #grieving #life #Lifelessons