What The Hell Do Husbands Do In Their Marriages Anymore?
There are some other nuggets in there, including this one:
This gender difference extends to working parents as well. Four in ten working mothers (39%) must take time off and stay home when their children are sick, over ten times the share of men (3%). Fathers also agree that moms are the leaders of children’s health care needs, though a substantial share of both mothers and fathers say they share responsibility for these tasks.
I’ve been married twice now. I don’t really think I’ve been a good husband either time, although my definition of “good husband” and your definition of the term might be different. Actually, that is kinda one major problem we have. I don’t think most people have a full understanding of what it means to be a “good husband,” “good wife,” “good mother,” “good father,” and maybe it kinda is like the Supreme Court and pornography: you know it when you see it. I myself have grappled with these questions for many years.
So, the most cynical part of me thinks that the term “husband material” or “husband energy” just means “quality sperm,” because I do think a lot of women just want to become moms, and even with all the challenges that brings, they will feel their life is good and complete and purposeful and whole once they become moms. That’s not every woman, no, and I do feel like the number might be declining, but it’s still a lot of women. If a dude was a total derp loser and still impregnated you two-three times, I think most women would take that as a win. I am sure going through infertility for four years has colored that for me, but I would still take that bet.
A few weeks ago, I had coffee with a friend of mine. He was telling me about his brother. Apparently his brother has five kids, goes to work, comes home, has dinner, talks to his kids for a bit, and then goes and plays video games. He doesn’t really “do” laundry or dishwasher or even really bedtime. His wife is apparently OK with all of it. This was their deal: he sired multiple children and she mostly did all the work. He was a paycheck, sperm, and a few periodic interactions in between Legends of Whatever. This personally makes me sad, but that arrangement works for probably millions of people. We could call this “The Quiet Quitting Of Marriages,” honestly.
领英推荐
It’s hard to see charts from the Kaiser Family Foundation (above) and not think: “What exactly are husbands doing these days?” I am not in every living room and bedroom (bow chick a wow wow) in America, but from the observations I see of various friends and acquaintances, it does not appear that husbands do very much these days — and yes, again, I am sure male infertility colors that perspective. I regularly see husbands not know what grades their children are in, which seems like a relatively low bar to clear if you’re a dad.
This could all be tied to “decline of men,” although I think the “decline of men” narrative is overrated. Most guys I know work pretty hard and do want the best for their family, even if they don’t contribute a lot domestically, and they’re usually very lonely, depressed, potentially a functional alcoholic, looking for something deeper, and hoping their mile time somehow improves after age 36. It’s tough sledding as a guy these days, but I don’t think it’s all “woe is me” either.
A few years ago, I saw this therapist for about 10–11 months. At the time, I was going through IVF, which failed. I talked to him (the therapist) about IVF waiting rooms and how there are never any guys in there. It seemed to me, logically, like guys would be there. I mean, if nothing else, they could support their wives, right? My therapist says to me: “Ted, they’re out earning money.” Indeed. Maybe they are. Although a lot of IVF appointments take maybe 45 minutes, and I think a boss/clients would understand. But that one sentence speaks so much more than just that one sentence. Is that basically the singular expectation of a dude in 2024?
If you look back at that Kaiser chart, the gap on “taking care of a sick kid” is massive. We definitely have a narrative that women are “fairer” and “caretakers” and I get that, but why is the husband percentage so low? Is it because they can’t raise the emotional bar to care for a sick kid? Maybe. Is it because they don’t know what to do or where the medicine is located? Perhaps. (What’s hysterical about this discussion, too, is that so many guys cancel plans with other guys via “sick kids!” and yet this chart is saying the guys could probably still go get a beer, except maybe their wife would then withhold sex for about three-four weeks.)
I think we’ve had any number of teetering, meandering discussions about masculinity over the last 10 years. I’ve written a few things about it too, no doubt, although I am not sure anyone actually listens to anything I say about topics like that. One of the big discourses about masculinity seems to be whether men need “purpose” or “respect.”
That’s a good conversation and it’s interesting to consider both sides, but maybe the real answer here is: a guy needs to learn how to love and care for others in different ways, and be a part of a partnership, a marriage, a father, a co-worker, a brother, a son, etc. in ways that make sense and lift others up. Maybe that’s what masculinity is lacking: it’s not about Andrew Tate vs. Little Sissy Boy Whiner Lynch IV. It’s just about guys learning how to do things and raise emotional bars.
What’s your take?