What The Heck is a "Gonk"?

Every now and then, a few sound files make the rounds online; iconic and comic and frequently painful voice-over sessions featuring celebrities unleashing various degrees of attitude towards producers, audio engineers, and anyone else in their path — sometimes justifiably so; often times not.

An increasing trend towards using semi-recognizable (and fully unmistakable) voices of anywhere from well-known to quasi-known actors to sell products is a common practice nowadays — from Richard Thomas (of “Waltons” fame) lending his voice to spots for Mercedes-Benz, John Corbett for Applebee’s, Jeff Bridges for Duracell, and the workhorse of celeb V/o’s — Gene Hackman — voicing spots for Lowe’s, Oppenheimer Funds, CNN, and United Airlines. While Morgan Freeman (Visa) is impossible *not* to identify, others (like Willem Dafoe) have that intrigue of being just slightly familiar enough to give you sleepless nights as you rack your brain to recall just who that voice was.

The two most notorious V/o sessions which will live in infamy were recordings of two larger-than-life celebrities — Orson Welles and William Shatner — both accomplished and lauded actors, and both were hired frequently for voice-over work: not only for their celebrity cache; they both had undeniably powerhouse voices and deliveries which were absolutely distinct.

When they were given the opportunity to just do their thing.

And one would presume that if they’ve been hired by producers/ad agencies for their unmistakable vocal quality and unique cadence, that those working with them on the sessions would leave them well enough alone in order for them to just do that thing that makes them unmistakable.

But no.

In the following sound file, William Shatner starts the V/o in his natural delivery and trademark Star Trek dreaminess that made him the icon he is today — until the producer decided to micromanage his performance: (click below):

William_Shatners_voiceover_revenge

At first, when challenged by the director to try it “differently”, he attempts to explain his choice of delivery –then decides against doing so and does another take in the “more energetic” style the producer requests. “There”, we’re all thinking: “He nailed it!” Not exactly. The producer responds to the take with an elongated “Uhhhhh…..” — as if starting to talk without first formulating what he should say — and we know he’s dead in the water. “Do it for me — exactly the way you want it to sound!” invites Shatner of the producer, who –against better judgment — offers a monotone, deadpan sample with down-ending sentences and all the pizazz of a wet weekend — and which Mr. Shatner imitated with eerie exactness. Hearing his excruciatingly ordinary attempt being repeated back to him with startling clarity, the producer recanted his direction; showered Shatner with a sea of apologies, and huge regrets at ever intervening. Out-and-out pleading with Shatner to go back to the halcyon moments of his first delivery — which he undeniably should have just let him do from the start — Shatner cruelly sticks to his guns and refuses to voice anything without the producer reading it out loud first.

While not an advocate of loftiness in front of the mic — and definitely not a proponent of belittling anyone — especially those who are signing the check — the producer’s irreversible mistake of not trusting in Mr. Shatner’s experience and talent was one that he probably still regrets to this day. I’m imagining that he ended up going to agricultural college and pursued a diametrically different career in botany, but still tells that story at dinner parties where time has softened it and made it into a delectable after-dinner story rather than what was quite possibly the worst afternoon of his life.

The next classic recording is a spot Orson Welles did — and unlike Shatner taking awhile before becoming irascible, we see Mr. Welles hit the “red zone” of anger almost off the top — at the very idea that a second take would even be requested: (click below):

Orson Wells 2

Many of us voice talents in a playful mood behind the mic will imitate Orson Welles when an innocent engineer asks for a harmless (and justifiable) second take — I’ve been known to adopt the best Orson Welles voice I can do, and bellow: “WHY? I just did it perfectly!” If the engineer is hip, he’ll warble, in a timid British accent: “Well…uh….I thought I heard a slight…GONK outside…..?” My favorite part of the file is the long think, the long pour of water, the even longer sip, and the request to have a word with the producer. You can almost hear the engineer change careers!

The second Orson file:

https://voicegal.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/welles-orson-frozen-peas-spot.mp3

welles-orson-frozen-peas-spot

…defies analysis: his hackles were up throughout the whole session, from his painful exactness at establishing the correct pea growing season to an almost fanatical urge to correct what he perceived to be crimes against grammar — he became increasingly difficult to work with, as supported by the one of the producer’s helpless attempts to assure Mr. Welles that “you did six for us last year — which were by far the best!” Nevertheless, Orson’s objections of “Too much direction in here!” and that the script was “Unpleasant to read — unrewarding!” made for an arduous and unforgiving session — and makes me wonder, every time I hear it, whether or not they managed to talk him into coming back (after storming off) and giving them the read they needed.

No one is “above direction” — anyone involved in the creative process of creating any artistic medium must be willing to “play” and contribute to the process by hearing direction clearly, responding to it appropriately, and showing your versatility and flexibility by altering your performance to the direction.

Within reason.

A good director will try to incorporate as many of the natural mannerisms and rhythms that a performer brings to the process — that’s why you hired them. In the case of someone with a “signature sound” — like a Shatner or an Orson — you’d do well to trust in their instincts and intervene only when completely necessary — because, in the clenched, fury-driven words of Orson Welles: it just might mean that “…the right reading for this is the one I’m giving!”