"What if he was right???"

"Are you demonstrating empathy here?. It looks very interrogational." My mentor coached said as we were going through one of my coaching recordings.

I was offended. As a doctor for almost two-decade compassion and empathy were virtues that I believed were already ingrained in me. It is a part of me. I never doubted it or thought I needed to work on it.

My defense system jumped in. "I was trying not to be too empathetic and get carried away," I said. "I always fall for empathy, especially when I am coaching women as I truly feel for them, and it gets in the way of effective coaching," I added.?

At the same time, numerous questions were running in my head.

Why did he say that?

How could he say that?

No one said that before.

Everyone used to say I am a good listener.

Me? No empathy?

What is going on here?

And many more questions trying, to prove my mentor coach wrong.

Suddenly something clicked within me, and I heard myself asking, "what if he was right?" and that changed everything.

Coaching Mindset.

Embodies a coaching mindset is a new competency in coaching and one that I took up as my research subject for level 2 in the ACTP pathway with??CTT.

The 2nd?and the 3rd?points under that competency is

-engaging in ongoing learning and development as a coach.

-develops an ongoing reflective process to enhance one's coaching.

I was intrigued and fascinated with this competency because it had two of my favorite words, "coaching" and "mindset."

Coaching works with beliefs and behaviors to identify the underlying mindset that needs to change to achieve its full potential. At least, that is what I choose to believe.

How can I embody this coaching mindset?

How can I continue to learn and develop if I keep defending where I am?

It all starts with the question.

For any change to happen, we have to first, want to change. The need to change comes when the present situation is not supporting what we want. When the awareness that a change needs to happen occurs, 2 things can follow.

1.?????It is knowing the future direction and moving forward.

2.?????Not knowing and the fear of the unknown, keeping you stuck where you are.

What differentiates the option is the questions you ask yourself. The questions and not the answers torch the way forward or keep you in the dark.

In her book "Change your questions, change your life," Marilee Adams clearly defines how changing from a "judger mindset" to a "learner mindset" by changing the way you ask questions that helps progress.

Here I was sitting and judging my mentor and his question. Thanks to all the coaching I had had and done, it opened up a new road, what can I learn from this?- "what if he is right?" was a question that switched on the bulb to a new route.

The new Road.

It was a tough question to ask but as I asked myself the question and started a process of self-reflection through journaling, I began to see a lot of new things about myself.

I became a witness to myself and what I realized was, I was confusing empathy with sympathy. There was a slight gap between what I had perceived as empathy and what it really could be.

Of course, the inner defense comes up now, and then trying to keep me safe and protected emotionally, I realized the way forward means I need to break free from my old beliefs.

Sympathy Vs. Empathy.

What I had?was loads of sympathy. I felt for the patient and client. I felt miserable about the pain and struggles that they were going through. I saw that I shared some of the challenges with them in many parts of my life. I could see myself in that position.

What I also saw was how I made it through those struggles. I saw what resources I needed to tap into to get out of those challenging situations. I saw whom I had to become to overcome the testing times' emotional, physical, and mental demands.

As much as I could relate to the client with their share of difficulties, I also believed, if I could come out of it, so could they. Nothing is wrong with that believe, but, what I failed to see was, they were not me, their ways could not be similar to mine, their resources were not the same as mine, and I have no way of knowing what they can do with what they have because I am not them.

?I was sympathizing with them and just assumed that they too should be able to come out of it because I did. As much as I felt their limitations, it also irritated me that they could not see the way out as I saw it. And that is where the empathy was lacking. I was trying to pull them out of a pit not knowing what got them there in the first place and more importantly are they ready to come out?

Empathy is feeling for someone from their place, not ours. We need to get to their place, completely stripped off of our achievements, capabilities, and self. It is like going into their innermost unknown space, and you need to be comfortable there without any of your ammunition.

You need to feel their struggle, you need to hear their thoughts, and you need to see the world through their eyes. You need to understand that their issue is important to them, and only they are empowered to find the answers. My duty as a coach is to make them feel safe in that space to develop the courage and confidence to seek the clarity they need.

Empathy is like holding their hand and saying, let us go with your thoughts and feeling, and let's explore who you are, why you got here, what were you looking for and what your real potentials are. It is choosing to walk with them until they feel they are okay to be on their own. It is being a silent support that accompanies them in their journey.

Here I was feeling sorry for the client, I felt her, I saw her struggles but through my eyes and not from her place. This is the difference between sympathy and empathy. What was missing was the link, the bridge-the compassion.

Compassion vs Compassion Fatigue

Compassion is acceptance. Compassion is feeling sympathy for one and trying to alleviate that. It is to feel sorry and also to do something about that, not for yourself but for that person.

In my profession as a doctor, it is essential to act immediately when another is in pain. You got to forget about all of you to work on the other person.

It is a great burden to carry, to carry the well-being of another on your shoulders, and when they fail, you fail with them. But you have no time to grieve, you got to start giving to the next and try to alleviate their pain when your pain is not yet fully resolved.

As much as being a doctor, a mother, a woman, and a human being demands compassion for others, we often do it at the expense of compassion for ourselves.

We never stop to respect, acknowledge and pause to experience our achievements, our contribution, and even our losses and the pain that comes with it.

As I had been, without realizing, depriving myself of compassion, I had been running on low fuel to give to others. I had the intention, the notion, and the action but I was working from a space of compassion fatigue.

And this session, through my mentor coach made me realize this. I am very grateful for this revelation. They say when the student is ready, the teacher appears and what made me ready was the question that I asked myself “What if he was right?”

Transformed Person- Transformed Coach.

I dare say that I have been transformed in all my interactions since then. My spouse, children, and patients are now new to me as I am new to them.?

Over the years of being a service provider, a mother, and a woman, I realized that giving, encouraging, and supporting has led me to a place of compassion fatigue.

To survive all the demands, I have developed a strong personality that helps me bounce back from every ordeal, especially as a doctor.

I stopped being compassionate to myself. "Get up; there is no time to sulk, do what you need to do" was the mantra that got me through many difficult situations in my life. I had to be the courageous, the solution finder, the problem solver in many cases or so I designated myself, that I am not sure.

What this has resulted in was, as I deprive myself of compassion, I also failed to support others with the same. There is no time to feel; you need to move on was my message.

So, I sat down and went through everything in my life, and I realized how fortunate, supported, and resilient I have been. With all that experience, and if I may call it wisdom, I can create this beautiful, compassionate space for another to explore and unfold into their full potential that has all the answers to their inner needs and outer wants.

Then I can proudly say I have done my job as an educator, coach, and a healer-what I strive to do through my coaching.

Thank you, mentor.