What Having a Trans Kid Has Taught Me

On the last day of "Pride month," I wanted to share something I've been ruminating on for a while now. My oldest child (21) is transgender and non-binary. In the case of my kid - everyone is different - they really personify the intent that they don't want to be associated with any particular gender. My kid wears "male" clothes some days and wears skirts other days. They have facial hair that skews "man," but shave it off from time to time, so literally: they don't adhere to the stereotypes of either primary binary gender.

What I personally learned from all this is that accepting and acknowledging gender expression is just another way to practice courtesy. The whole "my pronouns are" is just part of a new way people are communicating how they want to be seen. If you take away the "controversy" of new ways of seeing this, it's easier to understand. I'm super fat. I sure don't want to be called fatso. My kid doesn't want to be he, her - they want to be they/them. It doesn't matter what YOU want. Courtesy just means acknowledging this is something people feel strongly about themselves and it's your obligation to be courteous and accept this is part of the landscape.

People Are People

My kid reminds me that not everyone has a fixed identity, either. Who we are can change. What we like changes. What we believe changes. And if you're thinking, "What I believe never changes," that thought might be the problem.

This whole thing also taught me the distance between gender and sexuality. What my kid identifies as has nothing to do with the person they find attractive. For a non-binary person, I think that terms like "gay" are weird if you don't assign a gender. Are you judging this based on physiology? See what I mean? Maybe one person just likes another person.

Know what else I think the whole time? Who cares? Let's move this to a work context: I don't care who my coworkers find attractive, as that's not related to our jobs. Again, how does someone want to be regarded with relation to their gender? That's courtesy. That *IS* work. Courtesy is expected.

You don't have to "approve" of people's gender status. They're just communicating to you: hey, I identify like this. It's helpful for you to know that. If YOU choose not to be courteous and/or respect that explanation, that's on you. What it ISN'T is a problem with work (provided the person isn't being disruptive, and that's not tied to anyone's gender - that just means the person is a disruptive person).

Focus on People Doing Great Work

My kid is a great employee at their work. People say nice things about them. They are very dutiful. They work hard. Know what that has to do with being trans? Nothing. Because being trans is about their identity, not about work. It's just something they are that you might not be.

I think there's so far still to go in this world when it comes to racial and sexual and many other types of equality. One way to get even a little bit closer to that is accepting that all humans deserve courtesy. Yes, there might be accommodations required to make something work. But again, that's courtesy.

That's what having a trans kid has taught me: that I just want people to value other people for what they contribute, and not get so hung up on who they love. Accept who they are. Get back to work.

Good?

Yes, all the issues and movement are much bigger than a breadbox. I oversimplify a bit here. This is one person's opinion.

Chris...