What has love got to do with it?
I read an article recently where some celebrity was reported as just breaking up with their spouse. In the article, this person was quoted as saying “Why are we trained that love means putting yourself second and those you love first?” My initial reaction was, what a stupid comment, of course you put those you love first. Then I read further and the next quote was “If you love yourself, then what? You come first.” I thought about that for a little while and I realised the juxtaposition of these statements. What an interesting concept, the battle between being your truest self and sacrificing or giving something of yourself up, usually for the sake of a better cause.
Society tends to define ‘love of self’ as equal to narcissism when the two are actually opposites. Society (particularly western society) also seems to subscribe to the theory that “there is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (This is from the Gospel of John 15:13 – note that this line only makes sense in the context of the entire passage). Yet when we are on an aeroplane the attendants say you must put your oxygen mask on before you help others.
Movies and Valentine cards, are awash with a lot of sappy, schmaltzy sugar-coated sayings including things like “I cannot live without you”. I find this phrase to be quite frightening as it tends to puts all the power and all the responsibility onto the other person. I can live without my bride of 20 years, but I choose to have her in my life – having her there only makes my life better. She makes me want to be a better person. Please be sure, that it has not always been plain sailing or easy. We have had our share of ups and downs – as anyone in a long term relationship can attest.
When I got married, I stood up and declared before God and in front of our friends and family and promised to be true to my bride in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health and that I would love and honour her all the days of my life. That, my friends, was the easy part. Now comes the personal accountability to live up to these promises. Let me tell you that I have crashed and burned many times. It is those times, when I can get out of my own way, that I ask myself if I am a person that my bride can love and honour.
How can I expect my bride to change so I can love and honour her if I am not willing to make sure that I am someone who she can love and honour also? I cannot change my bride, I can only change myself. Steven Covey, in his book ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People” (https://www.franklincovey.com/the-7-habits.html) discussed the circle of influence vs the circle of concern. We all have concerns about the economy, our work, climate change, the political arena etc., but we cannot influence a lot of those things. What we can do is look at those things that I can influence and make changes there.
I can make sure that I have the smallest carbon footprint that I can, I can focus on working the best I can in my job. I can make sure I live beneath my means and be active in my voting activities and make sure my votes count. All these things come down to personal accountability. If you want your kids to respect you, make sure you are leading by example and be worthy of respect. Be active in your community. Do not be part of the whingers who only talk about what is wrong with the system, make sure if you are going to say that something is not working, be seen as someone who puts forward suggestions on how it can be better.
When you love someone, truly love someone, you want what is best for them. Even if that means that you need to walk away so that they can become their best version of themselves. Being accountable means that you do not do what you want, but you do what needs to be done.
How do you know when you are not being your best? I usually figure it out after some time, especially when I get down off my high horse and really look at the situation objectively. How do you hold yourself accountable? Do you have an accountability partner or mentor you can bounce off? Do you look at your personal life or just your professional one? Let me know how you keep yourself on track.