What happens to your relationships when your identity is no longer tied to nationality?

Before you dive into this article, know that’s speaking from my lens as a Third Culture Kid - as someone who has spent a long period of their childhood in a culture that is different from that of their parents’ cultures.?

But, I also define culture broadly - meaning “culture” isn’t just about nationality for me.?

So as you go through this, think how this relates to your life - did you move cities or states as a kid? Did you study abroad? Were you born and raised in X country but your parents were born and raised in Y country? If you answered yes then, for me personally, you have multiple cultures.?

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Someone asked me recently how I disconnected my identity from my nationality.

That got me thinking…

How DID I do that?

How did I do that as a cross-cultural person?

Which then got me thinking when we move our identities away from our nationalities, how might that affect our relationships? How does it affect how we relate to and with each other??

Mind. Fucked.?

But let’s unravel this mess together.

Sorry, can’t relate…

As a third-culture kid, I started noticing the way I wanted to make friends and keep long-term relationships was very different from what I saw others do.

First, small talk. I don’t get it, what’s the point of it? What’s the point of having a “taster” conversation before getting to the good stuff? This could be because as a third-culture kid, born in Iran, relocated to Italy as a refugee, raised in the United States, and now living in Spain for 13+ years - I wasn’t in one place long enough to spend time going through the small talk and cordial conversation so I wanted to get to the real stuff as soon as possible in friendships.???

I didn’t have “time”, because maybe I would be moving again… so I jumped into deeper conversations from the start.

The story I told myself was that things can change quickly: I was somewhat connected to here, there, and everywhere at the same time - so I needed to make friends quickly, and not the “small talk” friends, I wanted life-long friendships.?

So with every physical move I made, I left intangible pieces of myself along the way - or maybe, I picked up and discovered parts of myself thanks to the relationships and cultures I learned and chose… Thinking about all the cultures I had lived and played in, made relationships and lives in, got me thinking...??

What IS my national identity?

That question had me examine the beliefs and behaviors I was programmed to believe, both from my USA and Iranian national cultures, versus what I truly believe and want.?

• What is my culture??
• Where was I *really* from??
• What was my national identity - as a third-culture kid, who’s spent more than half their life outside of their 3rd home country, the United States of America?

Figuring out “identity” as a cross-cultural kid

The thing about being a third-culture kid is that I carry with me different cultural identities that makeup who I am as a whole… and those identities can change from today to tomorrow, depending on who I’m with, where I am, and my current season in life.??

“We contain multitudes.”

So, when I meet someone,? I never really know if the person I’m interacting with is actually connecting with “me” or with the part of myself that I’m presenting at the moment.?

As I said, I’m made up of a lot of different experiences, places, cultures, and ideas due to my upbringing as a child of immigrants and as a refugee.?

Just to list a few: Iranian-American. Jewish and Muslim. Fierce mama (yet NOT a mother). Curious rebel. Sci-Fi & fantasy lover. Grunge & metal listener.?

You get the point…

And even then - the identity of being a third-culture kid, which previously meant you came from a “privileged” background; this could be having parents in the military, government, oil, and gas, or expats.?

But in today’s current social climate, third-culture kids include those I just mentioned and children of immigrants and refugees.

The main differentiation between the two, however, was that third-culture kids who had parents in the military, government, oil and gas, or expats had the intention/possibility of moving back to their home country, but children of immigrants and refugees, not so much.?

So how does all of this affect our “identity” as third-culture kids and how we relate to others?

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For me, it brought me back to the question of “What’s going to happen when I show a different side of me that people haven’t previously seen?”

What will *they* think when I show them a side of my identity that’s just as “me” as the rest…but that lives just a little bit deeper beneath the surface?.. And, that the other may not be able to relate to or understand..

And, so… the big question arises: Will I be accepted? Will I belong if I show all of myself?

Identity, as a cross-cultural kid, is fucking murky and messy.?

At this point, as a third-culture kid, tying our identity to our nationality isn’t a “possibility” because we are a variety of national identities - a mix of national cultures. Take my “national identity” for example, I am Iranian-American, but I haven’t been back to Iran since I was 4 years old. I have also lived outside of the USA for longer than I’ve lived inside it.

The understanding and relationship I have with Iran are passed down from my parents, my family, and the Iranian-American community I connected with. What I also understand of my Iranian identity are the stories I heard when I was growing up.

My understanding and relationship with the United States of America is complicated. I came to the USA as a refugee of war and an immigrant, in a country that thought I was a terrorist. I have now spent most of my life outside of the USA and grapple with the privilege and culture that the United States has instilled in me.

Where does this take us??

Instead of tying myself to my national identity, I’ve grasped the different bits and pieces of myself I’ve accumulated over the years - new identities, new cultures, revisited beliefs, new stories, different perspectives - piecing together my OWN cultural identity.

And, in this never-ending process, I began to learn more about and discover sides of myself that I didn’t know existed before - things I refer to as “secret rules”.

This reinvention process then lends itself to an equally important process of self-appreciation and self-leadership. I am now leading in MY culture.

Forging an identity and thriving in relationships

As third-culture kids, it’s essential that we begin to understand and accept that our identity is ever-growing, ever-evolving, and ever-developing. Actually… This is true of all humans regardless of their cultures.?

Let’s be honest, we can’t expect to be stagnant within ourselves. If you’ve changed before, you can change again, and so can those around you.?

Once we’re capable of admitting this to ourselves, we open up the possibility of entering into relationships (love, platonic, familial, etc.) with less judgment and more tolerance for change. We get to create spaces where people can show up, in all their changes, and share that with them.

Emotionally, physically, spiritually… relationships begin to thrive when we have a solid idea of our cultures (and our boundaries) and are happy to share it - even with the risks involved.?

Until then, however, we often take our relationships for granted because we view them as stagnant - even if we’ve never been stagnant ourselves.

And for those of us who travel a lot or move countries, we can either become super protective of those relationships because they help give us a sense of stability with the chaos…

OR we can also get stuck in relationships - meaning, we still see and experience those people as the same people we first met.

Is my friend Jojo, for example, the same person I met 10 years ago? Likely not. But, the 3-5 times I’ve seen her these past 10 years I’m still interacting with the Jojo in my head from 10 years ago.

Moving past national identity - who are you?

So, let me ask again…?

Moving past your national identity…

Your heritage…

Your national culture…

Your family and family culture…

Who are you? Who are you as a third-culture, cross-cultural human?

Where does your nationality end and you begin?

To give you an example, I'm Shiva Roofeh, I am a curious rebel, a fierce mama (with no kids), who curses way too fucking much (others' opinion, not mine).?

I get pumped up with grunge and metal music and get lost in sci-fi and fantasy books (#wheeloftime) about worlds that could be. I started life as an artist and writer and LOVE diving into conversations around anti-capitalism.

I'm really fucking emotional and feel lots of feelings.

But really, those things can change from today to tomorrow depending on who I'm with, where I am, and my current season in life.

So even if I think I know myself, I am always discovering more of myself.?

And where does my nationality and where do I begin? I look at the parts of my national culture that don’t fit with my values and aren’t in the interest of the greater group (humanity as a whole and the planet)... And I draw a line.

When I drew that line I realized that there were a lot of things in my national culture that do not fit my core values and beliefs around life and what life means.

THAT is when I realized I can no longer identify myself as an “American” (USA to be exact).?

And you?

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