How to give tough feedback WITHOUT hurting feelings

This article is an extract from the book 10 fatal feedback mistakes that kill team culture. Click here to download a free PDF copy.

Mistake #2. People aren’t trained on how and when to give feedback

Why is this a problem?

Consider these three scenarios. 

1. Team members give no feedback to Charlie

This is usually the default situation because we fear hurting people’s feelings, so we bottle stuff up.

Then later on, during Charlie’s appraisal or salary negotiation, when feedback is mandatory, Charlie is caught by surprise at all the things he hasn’t been doing well for nine months and for which nobody has mentioned to him.

This not only hurts Charlie’s feelings (the reason we didn’t speak up in the first place) but also hurts his confidence and perceived belonging in the team. 

2. Team members give feedback to Charlie, but poorly 

Ever had someone say something like:

• "You have a tendency to {interrupt}", or
• "You need to be more {assertive}", or
• "You can be a bit too {direct} sometimes", or
• "I feel like you {don't listen} sometimes"

For those not trained in giving feedback, this verbal diarrhea is usually the go-to. Even for those of us with lots of practice, we still fall back into this trap. I’m certainly guilty.

The problem with feedback like this is that it isn’t tied to an action, to something that Charlie said or did.

When you only give your subjective opinion and a vague summary of why you feel that way, Charlie has no idea what to do differently next time. ?

3. Team members give feedback to Charlie, often and well ?

When feedback is clear, respectful and we acknowledge our personal subjectivity, issues are resolved quicker, trust builds faster, and relationships become stronger.

But how can team members give regular constructive feedback to Charlie without hurting Charlie’s feelings, all while working remotely??

Steps to solve it 

Just split your feedback into Fact and Feeling. 

Fact = Charlie’s action. What you saw or heard.  

Feeling = your interpretation of Charlie’s action - your view re the positive or negative impact. 

By leading with Fact rather than Feeling, you balance out your opinion with some objectivity.

Here are a few remote work/ COVID-19 examples from my team at Howamigoing aka The Howmies.?

Example 1 - Tough feedback?

"Hey {name removed}, dropping below some Fact/Feeling feedback for you following that sprint call we just had.

Fact - while we were on the video call you sent a few messages on Slack, and when I asked for your opinion half-way through, you took a few seconds to respond, then said 'sorry what's the question?'

Feeling - I felt like you were distracted and not paying attention during that call. As CEO of a remote team, it’s important to me that when we’re making time to speak, that we’re present, that we get the most out of the hour we have. I didn’t feel that you were present on that call."

Example 2 - Tough feedback?

"Hey {name removed} - Fact/Feeling feedback incoming.

Fact - on that last team update call you interrupted me three times and {name removed} twice while we were speaking.

Feeling - it made me feel that you weren't actively listening, because we couldn't finish our sentence. I'm worried about how this might dissuade employees more junior than me from speaking up on video calls."

Example 3 - Tough feedback? (in reverse)

"Hey {name removed},

Facts

• I cut you off in Slack re tomorrow’s agenda items, shooting down that idea pretty quickly
• I was offering quite a lot of advice to you on Monday when we were discussing the 360 feedback we just received
• I was quite critical on your last roadmap draft, in front of others

Feelings

• I feel like I’ve been too direct with you lately, have you felt this too?
• I feel like I’ve been very critical of you lately on our 1:1s, sorry
• I feel like we have such a strong mutual trust and respect, now more than ever, and that’s probably made me skip the pleasantries recently (not cool)
• I feel very lucky to have you as a partner in this venture"

Example 4 - Nice feedback

"Hey {name removed}, a little feedback from me below.

Fact - last week you created a Howmie Junior Developer boot camp Google Doc, then you shared it in Slack for everyone to see, with a long explanation behind it.

Feeling - it makes me feel that you listen and take action from our discussions. It makes me think you want to be and you will be a great teacher. Makes me feel proud to have you on the team. Keep up the good work [smiley face emoji]."

The right time to give proactive feedback 

Use your judgment but in general, resist the urge to immediately tell Charlie what you saw and how you felt about it. 

Why? Because for tough feedback that could catch someone off guard and cause a fight-or-flight reaction, psychologists recommend sleeping on it and delivering your thoughts the next day. 

Make sure you speak up within 24 hours though so that actions don’t slip out of memory. This avoids the conversation turning into a debate on what happened (the Facts), rather than the resulting Feelings and the opportunity for a stronger working relationship.

Do you have any tips for giving feedback while devoid of face-to-face interaction? If so, please comment!

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Julian is the CEO of Howamigoing, a software company on a mission to prevent 1 million people from having painful performance reviews. Howamigoing was recently voted in the UK's Top 100 Startups and in the Top 10 HR Tech Solution Providers in Europe for 2019. Julian previously worked in Mergers and Acquisitions at Goldman Sachs and J.P. Morgan, and he served as a fundraising committee member for the Victor Chang Cardiac Research Institute. Julian is an Aussie living in London, passionate about friends, feedback, food, wine, improv and science.

You can connect with him directly here.