What Happened to Our Value System within the African American Household? by: Nikki P.

We are so quick to invest and shop at supermarkets, but we do not place that same time, commitment and emphasis into solidifying the foundation needed to properly secure our homefront within our households. The rules that used to apply the basic intrinsic black code that once existed in our communities have slowly faded into the background which has resulted in certain codes of standards diminishing, only to be replaced by institutionalized codes. For instance, African American doctrines of "It Takes A Village to Raise a Child" used to be welcomed. If someone saw their friends and/or neighbor's child get into trouble, the adult upon seeing the situation would handle it and then alert the child's parent or guardian. Instead, today, what we have is that an individual can not talk to a child in order to straighten or smooth the matter for fear of retaliation that the adult will be reported to various reporting agencies for child abuse or welfare. The same is the case for the child's parents. If a parent believes that their child(ren) need to be disciplined, children are so prompt to mention that they will report their parents. Granted children need to be protected; however, by taking all of the rights away from parents to properly discipline their child(ren) causes greater problems for the parents in terms of the respect that is afforded to them as that child(rens') guardian. It weakens the parent's authority and it also sends a message to a child that anytime they want to avoid disciplinary action they can utilize the reporting technique as their crutch. To the child causing the mayhem may seem like a fix, but it is only a temporary one as if the child leaves the home and exhibits similar behavior with outsiders such as their teachers then the issue never was resolved properly. If the child believes that they can get in their parents, then 9 out of 10 times they may think that they can do the same with other adults; therefore, they illustrate similar behavior towards their teachers and other adults such as the clergy until they reach law enforcement level. If the poor behavior exhibited at the lower levels is not curtailed with the prior mentioned authority figures, once it reaches the law enforcement level the child may be dealt with a little differently.

Another example in which the value system of the African American household has changed is the divorce and separation rate within the household and amongst the African American community. The philosophy of divorce and separation has dramatically changed within the African American household and community over the past 100 years. Okay, you both said, your' "I Dos", now what? Because it is going to take more than reciting vows to make your relationship work in order to withstand the test of time. Again, instead of investing the time, attention and energy into stabilizing a relationship, people are so quick to permit their relationships to become absolved. What happened to the era of our great grandparents, and great great grands, where the couple stayed together for the long haul. They were compelled to work out their issues and move onto the next, and truth be told they had more issues to worry about in regard to the racism that they encountered in their lives such as Slavery, The Great Depression, and Jim Crow Laws to name a few. They also encountered stresses in the workplace, yet they continued to pereserve. Nowadays, we have some many more resources available to us that were not available for our ancestors' disposal that can aid in remedying marriage and relationship woes. However, oftentimes it is seen as "Taboo" to utilize them. One such resource is marriage counseling or therapist. In many instances one or both parties in the relationship do not want to seek resources as (1) they do not feel comfortable letting a stranger into the personal details of their relationship; (2) the fact that these resources/services may be too expensive to afford, and (3) one or both parties believe that the specialist/therapist is not thoroughly trained in such areas of expertise. At any event, the concept of separation or divorce has quickly become the bandage to mend the broken and/or faint-hearted instead of standing on the promises made when the couple stood before God, family, and friends in order to take that Big Plunge into Matrimonial Bliss. It is so easy to give up and throw in the towel, rather than to try to make a relationship work. Just like people devote to their hobbies, crafts, and businesses, marriage should be no different. It takes time to work at a relationship, it just does not materialize overnight. Marital relationships take time to develop and mature. It is one of the biggest investments made outside of deciding to start a family or purchase a home. One can buy all the homes in the world, but if you do not have the first solid foundation of the marriage down packed, all of the other factors and worldly desires will collapse in on you. The concept of "Behind a Great Man Is A Woman" is so true. It is just sad to hear that when one or both parties have that support they either take it for granted or just can not be too bothered and/or are too self-absorbed to take notice of the other. If the latter is the case, to that I say, "Do not forget the good times, and especially do not forget when you and/or both of you had nothing yet as a force you made it together." Always draw on what made you attracted to your mate in the first place and utilize those memories to rebuild, restrengthen and renew each other in the relationship. Most of all couples should heed this message, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!!!! let your friends and family members into the intricate details of your marriage problems. Your family and friends may have the greatest intentions and they may have your best interests at heart, but oftentimes it is best to work the issue(s) out yourselves because by including others in the mix will naturally cause a Mix Up of additional problems. It is great to seek some advice from others as a sounding board or a helpful tip here or there, but to have an open forum is ridiculous and should not be permitted to enter or invade upon your relationship in such a manner. Think about it, just think about it for a minute, if the shoe were on the other foot: " Do you think that your friends or family would have you interfering in their relationship?" The answer to this question is most certainly, 'I think not, your friends and family would not permit you to interfere at all in their relationship(s); therefore, why should you? Now, the situation may be a little different if the advice is coming from your parents. If that is the case, that is another story, but if others are trying to advise or put their two cents into the scenario again that is not good. You have to question: Why is the person getting involved in the dynamics of relationship anyway? It is not always the case, but you would have to wonder if the girlfriend or best male friend is trying to separate the two of you for their own selfish interests and/or desires. Hopefully, that is not the case, but if by chance it is Beware!!!! Continue to keep the passion alive in your marriage. Engage in play dates and spending time together. You will be surprised that you do not always have to spend money to have a great time together, as there are an array of events occurring on a daily basis that are free to do. Find that spark and go with that to keep the fire alive in your relationships! Best regards in your marital bliss.

Disclaimer: Please be advised that this article or any of my articles that may appear on this website should not be misconstrued as legal advice. This information is merely opinions, suggestions and/or helpful tips and should only be taken as such. To seek legal advice please consult with legal counsel.