What Happened To Conversing?

We have all seen it. We have all done it. Sitting around a table in a restaurant, everyone with phone, tablet, handheld game or other electronic device in hand, ignoring everyone else, and not talking. Whether it be a group of young people sitting in the same room texting back and forth or as the picture shows a group of adults around a meal all with phones in hand, we have lost the fine art of conversing. 

What happened to people talking to each other…actually using our voices and talking? Not texting. Not emailing. Not tweeting. Not Snapchatting, Instagramming, Facebooking, Tik Tok(ing) or plug in whatever app is trending right now. Working in an industry that requires good communication skills, I must wonder what the future holds for my profession. More appropriately, I must wonder about our society because we just don’t know how to talk to each other anymore…or so it seems.

I recently read an article by Jill Griffon in the November 16, 2018 edition of Forbes magazine where she outlined six points to be a great conversationist. They include: be prepared, open with “tell me about yourself”, be curious, be funny (when appropriate) / be high energy, pivot to what you want to discuss, and pay attention to body language. 

All these points are important as a professional investigator; however, they are so much more important to get people to start talking again. Let’s dive in to each one a bit more.

Be prepared. What does be prepared mean for everyday conversations? Do you need to be prepared for conversation around the dinner table? Yes! Do you need to prepare for a one-hour casual lunch with co-workers? Maybe? How about your teenage children? How do you prepare them to be good conversationist? Here’s what I recommend.

On the drive home, pre COVID when we still had offices to go to, clear your mind of the day’s activities. I know that is easier said than done but start with a few deep breaths once you pull into your driveway. Leave the day’s meetings, phone calls, Zoom conferences right there in the car. Decide, at that moment, that when you walk in the door you are going to engage with your spouse, your children, your parents, your roommate, whoever. Let them guide the conversation. Make sure you put your phone away so they know you are 100% engaged with them and want to converse. 

To me, being prepared comes with a second and equally important requirement: be a good listener. 

As I mentioned, let your family member guide the conversation but be an active listener and ask questions to draw out more conversation. Sure, it may be difficult to converse with a toddler who wants to tell you about what they just watched on Sesame Street but that is the most important conversation they have had all day. Make it a conversation. Teach your children early the value of a good conversation. 

Being prepared also means knowing when you need to pick up the conversation as well. 

The second point in the article was open with “tell me about yourself”. When meeting someone for the first time, this simple request should be the key that opens the door to a great conversation. Again, be an active listener so you know what to expound upon to keep the conversation moving. Listen, I am not talking about job interviews here. I am talking about business meetings, casual meet and greets, networking evens. You want the people you meet to remember you because you were able to carry on a great conversation. 

When it comes to family, change the prompt to “tell me about your day.” Become that active listener and engage. Enjoy those conversations; especially with your children, because at some point they grow up and stop talking to you for a while. Hopefully, by the time they grow into their teenage years you have instilled upon them the love of having a honest engaging conversation.  

The third point is be curious. For me that comes in the form of asking clarifying questions. Dig deeper into the likes, hobbies, passions, or whatever they are talking about at the time. Get into the weeds with the conversation. It means having a passion for learning something every day and what better way to learn than to have conversations with people? 

If you are in a group, let the conversation ebb and flow. Try to keep everyone engaged on the current topic by being curious. Sure, if you are in a group setting it is possible that a couple of members of the group might start a side conversation and that is fine. What you want to avoid is letting a member of the group pick up their phone. Once one person starts scrolling everyone else will follow suit and the conversation ends.

When it comes to the fourth point, be funny when appropriate but be high energy. This takes some practice. Study humorist and other noted conversationist like Steve Irwin or Ansel Adams or Morgan Freeman. Study how the engage with people and learn the art of carrying a conversation. Study great speakers to learn the art high energy. Be careful though. Being high energy while doing a presentation is demonstrably different from being high energy in a one-on-one situation or around the table conversing during a meal. 

Being high energy in a conversation means sitting up, being an active listener, being willing to talk about whatever topic is being discussed. High energy also means, to me anyway, learning how to have a constructive conversation about a topic you may disagree on at that moment. All too often in today’s society, when people don’t agree they devolve into shouting and talking over one another. That is not high energy! That is just being rude! Maybe our schools should bring back debate class? 

At some point, you want to take on the fifth point made by Ms. Griffon and that is pivoting to what you want to discuss. Be careful with this point. Make sure you have invested time in listening and discussing what the other person or group is discussing. When there is a bit of a lull in the conversation…you see people twitching to pick up that phone, toss out a topic you want to discuss. Maybe it is about the book you are reading or the latest policy change at work or whatever. When the time is right, engage with a topic you have in mind to discuss.

Finally, pay attention to body language. In my profession this is crucial. Reading body language helps guide where I take the conversation. However, it is equally as important in everyday conversations as well. Most people speak volumes with their body language. I’m not an expert but I do know this; being a good conversationist means being able to interpret body language in some way. There are hundreds of books, articles, and YouTube videos on how to read body language. Do a little research but for the most part reading body language begins as an infant and we continue to learn as we grow. We all knew what “that look” from our parent meant! We all know when we are saying something our partner does not agree with.   

These six points alone will not make you an overnight sensation in the art of conversing. They are guideposts to point you on the path. Share them with your family and friends and let’s start talking to each other again!