WHAT GROWTH FEELS LIKE

A Dream of Struggle

Two years ago I had a dream in which I encountered all the situations that upset me in the last 15 years, projected into the future. I agonized, wondering "Did I make the right decision? Should I have asked for different terms? Will this come back to bite me in the ass?” And that's how this dream went, but with a twist:

I handled everything that came at me.

I woke up miserable after this night of cycling through all my least favorite interactions, but when I realized I had handled everything, I was stunned. Gratitude washed over me and remembrance that all of my experiences can be for me, for my strength, my growth, my good. Yes, the dream was fraught with limitation but I handled each circumstance without upsetting myself. I disarmed the resistant personalities, took action where I could, ignored what I couldn’t affect, and built a path forward.

Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy

Albert Ellis, sometimes referred to as the Freud of our generation, mastered a theory he called REBT, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. This model notes that choices are the result of programming we call beliefs and their resulting habits. Circumstances are neutral, but we choose a belief which upsets ourselves. We don't intend this, but our brain circuit has built automatic responses from past conclusions. This streamlines behavior and is a protective mechanism working with the emotional brain to create fear, anger, or shame and quickly propel us to self-protective action such as flight, flight, or freeze.

Building Competence

This was useful for survival in the barbaric past, but now inhibits forward motion as we are no longer in danger. Also, as Charles Duhigg points out, emotional instinct can’t be applied to neutral circumstance without considerable practice, knowledge, investigation, and self-checking. It is nearly always wrong otherwise. Emotions usually lie about the danger we face and harm success by confusing information with biological predator-protection programming.

Reprogramming

Ellis theorized these circuits can be reprogrammed if we question our response, rationalizing how our emotions are created, and making a different choice based on a new thought or by seeking new information. This is the purpose of the conscience. When we allow this, the cortex – which shut down to allow emotional control – turns back on and reassess every emotion. Feelings become subject to the control of our mind. This is the very purpose of thought – to reprogram and override mammalian emotional instinct and choose long-term success over short-term false feelings of safety.

The Conscience

Some view this process as "killing the conscience,” especially religious individuals. Ellis explained this by noting that dogmatic judgmental religions produce neurosis while benevolent communities of non-judgment, love, and acceptance produce individuals healthier than the general populace. Psychological safety. These individuals already practice REBT, including its Rogerian tenants of self-acceptance, non-judgment, and benevolence.

Summation

Again, the mind chooses safety, but our society is 99.9% safe. Also, what was safe for us when we were powerless, without training or without knowledge, can grow. In my dream, this growth was the ability to acknowledge negative behavior in others and assert myself. This is a common growth vector in agreeable people.

"Change your thinking, change your fate." ~ Tony Robbins

?~ Dave S Wallace, MS PSY