What are the ground rules of giving and receiving feedback?

Establishing and contracting the ground rules of feedback is important, whether it is 1:1 or with your team. If everyone is clear with “what good looks like” when giving and receiving feedback, it means you can start to have some real, honest and open coaching conversations. 

Being a great coach 

When giving, feedback keep these points in mind: 

• Secure - The other person’s permission to give the feedback
• Supportive - Deliver feedback with a non-threatening and encouraging manner
• Direct -Focus on clearly stated feedback
• Sensitive - Deliver with sensitivity to needs of the recipient
• Considerate - Make sure nothing is insulting or demeaning
• Descriptive - Focus on the behaviour that can be changed than the personality
• Specific - Focusing on specific event or behaviour
• Healthy Timing - Giving feedback at the best time as close to the event as possible
• Thoughtful - Providing well considered feedback, rather than impulsive
• Helpful - Feedback should always have the intent to be of value to the recipient
• Speak for yourself & Not Others - Using ‘I’ based statements not ‘they’
• Consider Language - When using “never”, is this what you mean or is it just sometimes?

Be coachable

When receiving, feedback keep these points in mind:

•  Be grateful. Remember it’s just as difficult to give feedback as it is to receive it!
•  Ask for feedback. Indicate to your boss that you would appreciate their feedback and advice  
• You can also share some preferences as to when the feedback would be most helpful
• Don’t be defensive. Never argue with the feedback giver. Take the feedback under advisement and ask yourself “could this be truthful?” if not from your point of view, maybe from your boss’s point of view?
•  Don’t focus on the part of the feedback that makes no sense to you right now
• Act on it. There is nothing more frustrating for bosses than to repeatedly offer the same advice  
• Listen. Keep an open mind. Take the feedback as it’s meant – an opportunity to improve, not a personal attack. Listen attentively and make good eye contact
•  Ask questions, discuss suggestions, and ask for examples that will help you to understand what is being said to you
•  Volunteer your own suggestions on areas in which you feel you could improve  
• Don’t just talk about your strengths!
• ‘What do you think of that conversation?’ is asking people to judge you.  Try, ‘Listen to my next conversation and give me some guidance on how I could control it more effectively’
• If the feedback isn’t constructive, vague or unspecific, then take control of your feelings and be assertive.  Ask questions that make the person giving feedback provide you with examples that demonstrate their view. For example, “You say I’m impulsive, what is it that I actually do that makes you feel that way?” 
•  Remind yourself that feedback is integral to learning   
•  Whilst you don’t have to accept feedback without question, you do owe it to yourself to think about it and evaluate it

 Don’t miss the gifts  

People often give us ‘gifts’ in conversations. Often we miss these gifts or do not open them to explore them further. These gifts are not tangible, these gifts are understanding, learning and connecting. 

What is a gift?

A gift is something a person says to you that, if you acknowledge and explore it, creates an opportunity to deepen your understanding. It helps you understand how the person is feeling or thinking. It helps you explore each other’s needs and how to work together better. 

What does a gift look like?

Some gifts could come as compliments or subtle feedback. When someone says to you, “You did a great job today at the sales meeting”, that is not a gift. The gift is the opportunity to explore further what was so good.

The opportunity is to turn to your colleague and say, “Thank you. Out of curiosity, what did I do that was great? The reason I am interested is because, I am always looking to improve”.

Sometimes we miss valuable gifts because they are poorly wrapped, not delivered well or seem to come from a bad place. The key is to open all gifts and explore them fully to understand what is being offered to you. 

“Seek to understand, not to be understood”, as the author, Stephen Covey put it. 

You could be chatting away when a colleague says to you, “I wish you could have given me more information, I would have done a better job”. You may ignore the gift or become defensive, or even go on the attack, “Look, I did give you information!” 

Alternatively, you can choose to remain curious and seek to understand further: “I thought I had given you the information, I’m interested to understand further, what information would have helped you achieve the goals?”. 

Remember - Praise lifts people  

Many of us are used to looking out for things that go wrong. After all, if something's wrong it needs to be fixed before it damages productivity or affects the bottom line. But do you actively look out for things that are going right? How often do you show your appreciation for people who are performing well, even if you're not their manager?  

Many people don't give enough praise in the workplace. However, almost everyone – including team members, colleagues, customers, suppliers and your boss – love to recieve sincere recognition for a job well done. 

Why give praise?  

There are many reasons why you should regularly give praise. Firstly, people who feel appreciated and respected are more motivated than those who think their efforts go unnoticed. They're more engaged in the work they do and they're more committed to their teams and organisations because they know that they're making a real difference.

Sincere praise also helps you develop good working relationships with colleagues. These same colleagues are often very willing to return that feeling of goodwill meaning they are more likely to lend a helping hand or share some useful information when you need it. 

Some science  

An interesting aspect about praise is the chemical reaction it causes within us.

Research shows that when we hear something we like a burst of Dopamine is released in our brains. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter and is associated with feelings of joy, pride, satisfaction and well-being.  

When you praise someone else, not only does that person feel great, but it leads them to want to experience that same feeling again. Giving praise cements good working habits and behaviour both chemically and intellectually. 

This does not mean you avoid developmental feedback. Quite the opposite.

We need both praise and developmental feedback if we are to grow. 

Try this: 

• Brainstorm the ground rules of giving and receiving feedback with your team or peers by using the list above to help you.
• Contract with people around you on how we need to be when giving or receiving feedback
• Hold people to account for giving feedback. When you a hear corridor, conversation happening, challenge the individuals to take it back to the sourceLet me know how you get on