What If... Goes to College

You may not realize it, but throughout your life, and certainly over the last 12 years of school, you’ve cultivated a friendship. Your friend’s name is “What If” and he’s probably been right by your side most of your life. During your high school years What If would say,

What if I don’t get asked to the prom, or what if I have to dress shop with my mom,

because just before the most important dance, my bff has moved to France

to attend her dream school, a course I might never know, ‘cause what if my car gets stuck in the snow

and I’m late to take the ACT. What if I get there and they laugh at me?

And, what if I bomb and get rejected by all - of the dream school I want to attend in the fall

to learn and meet friends I’ll keep for life. Oh, crap, what if I miss out on meeting my wife?

What if my grade point is simply too low, will there even be a place for me to go?

What if I get stuck where I don’t want to be for FOUR-WHOLE-YEARS, oh, woe is me.

Oh, the perils of high school. Dances, break ups, AP tests, and summer school. Fortunately, you’ll graduate soon! Unfortunately, when you graduate from high school, What If graduates, alongside you. Just as you move on from being “Little Timmy” to Tim or “Little Susie” to Susan, he changes his identity slightly, as well. He tags along as you move into the dorm, usually stashing away in the laundry bag your mom bought you where he knows he’ll go undiscovered for another few months. Or, he might pop in during your very first university class. Either way, one day What If emerges and reintroduces himself. He says, “Hello, Tim (or Susan). I’m, Oh, Shit.”

And from that day on he’s by your side, imposing himself to serve as your guide.

You’ll hear his voice from inside your head, when you’re studying or getting to bed.

Just like it worked with What If dude, he’ll speak to you, though he’s a bit more crude.

He says, oh shit, I’m gonna fail this test, then I’ll be no better than all the rest

of the kids graduating and looking for jobs. Oh shit, I’ll just be one of the slobs

when I should be impressing the Prof from the start. Oh shit, maybe I’m not as smart

as all the other kids in this class. Oh, shit, will I even be able to pass

with Organic Chem in the morning this fall? Oh, shit, is that a party I hear down the hall!!??

No, no, I must study or they’re all gonna see that, shit, everyone else knows more than me.

I can’t ask a question, then it’d be known that I’m in the dark. Oh, shit, my cover’ll be blown.

But, if I fail this test, I’ll fail this class, and for the next 40 YEARS I’ll find my ass

down by the river living in a van. Oh shit, I’ve got to do this right while I can.

And just like that, Oh Shit will sabotage your time at college and your future. You’ll abdicate your freedom to him. Give him enough power and he’ll even take your physical and mental health. I’ve been a professor for 20 years and a psychologist for over 30, and I can tell you with complete confidence that the thoughts of 99% of your peers in college are also governed by Oh Shit dude.

If you want to maintain your freedom and your sanity, you’re going to have to familiarize yourself with his ways and beat him at his own game. He employs four main tactics. I’m going to share them with you, so you can practice your defense now and develop an effective offense for later.

First, Oh Shit reminds you of all the ways you’ve ever fallen short of ideal. He holds every embarrassing moment and dejection in a vault. At the same time, he stockpiles messages you’ve heard from family, teachers, and just about everyone else that life is tough and you have to stay between the lines to be the best. “Never let them see you sweat,” he tells you, “You’re in the big leagues, now”. So, with your past shortcomings staring you down and the imperative to become something better than you currently are, you build a protective wall to hide your imperfections and weaknesses. Within the confines of this walled-in environment, his messages reverberate – don’t speak up in class you might say something wrong and embarrass yourself like you’ve done before. Remember how overwhelmingly terrible that was? Don’t show emotion or they’ll think you’re weak. Then you’ll be nothing. NOTHING, I tell you. Always BE the best. Anything less is complete worthless garbage.

But, what makes Oh Shit such a powerful player is that he’s basically repeating societal messages we’ve internalized. “Stay between the lines,” “Oh, you made a B on that paper?” “Keep your nose to the grindstone.” He seeks opportunities to repeat these messages so often that we accept them carte blanche. But, he reduces them down to the bottom line. He tricks us by telling us we must always BE strong and capable, leaving us no room to work on improvement. We can’t ask questions and effectively learn because admitting we don’t know something or can’t do something amounts to not being good enough – in both an adequacy and a moral sense. Oh Shit maintains a vice grip on you through this Catch-22.

He paralyzes you with this bind then reinforces his stance by taking it to the next level. He reminds you to avoid risks because, due to your history of ineptitude, any risk is likely too great a risk. Besides, there are sanctioned way to do things. “Everyone will judge you and think you’re dumb, weak, or crazy,” Oh Shit says. “Better to play it safe than to do anything that could potentially confirm all their suspicions about how incompetent you truly are."

Then, one day, he’s off getting coffee and let’s his guard down. You take a risk and speak up in class. Immediately he dumps blazing hot coffee on your chest. You feel it the moment you finish speaking. That’s the feeling of failure and humiliation. He turns your face bright red thinking the girl next to you just rolled her eyes at you. He smacks you down by saying, “Really? You thought that was a good idea?” Then he takes pleasure in misinterpreting the professor’s redirection of your question to mean that you just completely and irredeemably embarrassed yourself in front of a room full of highly intelligent peers. Eventually, you say, “Oh Shit, I won’t do that again.” To which he says, “Damn right you won’t!”

And, finally, over time, he develops a superpower called Imposter Syndrome. Because your wall, and everyone else’s walls, have grown so tall and reinforced, no one can see the others’ Oh Shit guy. So, Oh Shit has you believing you’re the only one with this sort of special relationship. You just assume everyone else is more capable than you and they belong whereas you do not. But, here’s the kicker, everyone is operating under the same assumptions and feels the same way!

So, maybe at this point you’re wondering how to get Oh Shit off your back. I’m going to give you the key to ridding yourself of him. But, it’s going to take practice. He’s in your head. He’s like a malevolent manipulative cult leader and, in many ways, you’ve fallen under his spell and been brainwashed for years. And, what’s worse, like being in some fun house mirrored room, when you try to escape, you’re going to have to contend with his reflection bouncing back at you from a hundred different angles. So, in some ways, it’s best to just close your eyes, feel your way out, and trust in your other senses.

To begin the Oh Shit banishment process, you’ll have to go back to his original premise – this is the foundation upon which the entire wall is built. Oh Shit tells you that you must always BE strong and competent. He completely glazes over the process of improvement. So, when you get a ‘C’ on an English paper, your first inclination is to say, “Oh Shit, I suck at writing. I AM a poor writer. I simply CAN’T write ‘A’ papers.” Normally, you’d stop there and accept his appraisal feeling trapped and not wanting anyone to take note of your deficiency. So, although you enjoy writing, you’re at risk of giving up on this endeavor and focusing on something easier but potentially less fulfilling.

To beat Oh Shit at his game you must remind yourself that no one is proficient without learning and asking questions. Michael Jordan didn’t become Air Jordan without missing an Oh Shit-load of baskets. So, for you to rid yourself of Oh Shit, you will need to undercut his assertion that you should just BE proficient and accept that becoming proficient requires lots of missteps, revealing your soft vulnerable underbelly, taking risks, and viewing failure as learning experiences rather than internalizing such moments as personal short comings. The key to getting Oh Shit off your back is understanding the difference between saying, “I’m not good at writing” and “I’m not good at writing, YET”.

Think about what this looks like in a classroom. The dynamic in a classroom where students focus on grades and conformity strengthens Oh Shit guy and he’s able to heave additional bricks onto the wall. The dynamic in a classroom where students value effort and experimentation, empowers them to continue removing the blocks precluding them from interacting with the world around them. Therefore, it is imperative that you fight against the voices in your head that warn you not to take risks and which personalize failure and interpret it as humiliation. If you serve as a leader in this sense, the entire climate of a classroom can change for the better.

Here’s what a student in my class who is successfully battling Oh Shit looks like: “Dr. Stein, I don’t get that. Do you mean ‘blah’?” Can you see how a student asking such a question has banished Oh Shit? Did you note the vulnerability inherent in asking that question in a room full of intelligent people? Do you recognize that she took a risk and wasn’t deterred by the potential of everyone looking at her or my potential negative reaction? Do you see how empowered she has become and how she will learn and become stronger as a human by demonstrating that she is not, yet, fully competent? And, finally, did you see how she contributed to creating a safe environment for the other students to do the same? This student has grasped the amazing Oh Shit ass-kicking power of asking questions (asking = ass-kicking).

So, I implore you, use college for the purpose for which it was intended; it’s not just a place to bide your time until you receive a diploma. Don’t squander an opportunity so few are blessed to receive. Recognize you are not yet a fully educated human being. And, even more, recognize that learning is a lifelong endeavor, not something you do until you secure a job. Take advantage of the bubble in which you will soon start living, to experiment with changing your ways. Exploit the resources and ask as many questions as you can. Demonstrate your bravery by clearly proclaiming your openness and receptivity to learning. Acknowledge first and foremost the deficiencies in your knowledge arsenal. Quit trying to impress by demonstrating how smart you are and demonstrate how willing you are to learn. Bask in this ideal environment to experiment, take risks, comfort others who’ve not yet reached this realization, learn from failure experiences, and grow. Rid yourself of Impostor Syndrome by solidifying your belief in yourself as a learner rather than someone who must demonstrate their invincibility and invulnerability.

Ask your parents and grandparents; if you don’t create this mindset now, you’re in for a midlife existential crisis in 25 years. And, it will be far more challenging to deal with then than it will be come fall. You’ll never find a more comfortable or suitable place than the college campus for the development of a mindset geared toward exploiting the human potential.