What is Gaslighting and How to Identify it.

“I never said that.”

“You’re crazy.”

“You need to learn to take a joke.”

Gaslighting is most often understood in the context of a romantic, narcissistic relationship. However, gaslighters are EVERYWHERE. Since becoming more aware of this abusive and manipulative tactic, I’ve been quite shocked at how often gaslighting shows up in random moments of engagement with:

Service providers, builders, estate agents, salesmen, shop assistants, therapists, psychologists, family members, friends, neighbors, random strangers on the internet, and especially cagey politicians… I’d be here all day writing up my full list of gaslighters.

Instead of simply acknowledging an issue and opening up to a solution-based conversation, a gaslighter’s default setting is: Deny, deny, deny. If denial doesn’t work, they reframe reality and bend the truth to fit the their narrative.

In this article I will be using the terms ‘narcissist’ and ‘gaslighter’ interchangeably. In my experience, gaslighters are generally always on the spectrum.

Narcissists are “never wrong” which means they are unwilling and unable to take responsibility for their actions. As humans we ALL make mistakes. None of us is perfect, which is why we should be able to recognize when we’ve messed up, apologize and go about making amends. Simple, right?

Not when you are dealing with narcissists. I honestly believe the world has become infected by a contagion which is eroding truth and replacing it with a warped sense of reality.

So what exactly is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation used to control how you see reality. Gaslighters make you to question your actions, abilities, memories, and even your sanity. When you’ve been gaslit, you know X happened but you are made to think that you perceived X wrong. You saw it with your own eyes or heard it with your own ears but the gaslighter says you didn’t.

For example, you leave a door unlocked and when you go back later, it’s locked. You know for sure you left it unlocked because you made a mental note to leave it that way. You did so intentionally. Knowing this, a narcissistic abuser will lock the door when you aren’t aware, then sit back and watch your confusion (with delight) as you question your memory.

Yup, it can be that crazy.

Another example of gaslighting occurs in narcissistic families; the family member who has been abused talks to the other family members about the abuse. Instead of acknowledging the confusing and painful experience that the victim of abuse is sharing, the family members respond with something like:

“I never did that!”

“You’re remembering it wrong.”

“They’ve never done that to me.”

“They always treat me well.”

“You’re too sensitive.”

“I’ve never seen it.”

Whether intended or not, these responses invalidate your experience of reality. If you are not solidly connected to yourself, you will start to doubt how you perceive reality. You ignore the emotions and sensations alerting you to the truth. This causes cognitive dissonance and puts you exactly where the narcissist wants you — on very shaky ground.

The word ‘gaslighting’ comes from the title of the 1944 film, Gaslight, in which a husband convinces his wife she is mentally unwell by manipulating the lights in the house. He wants full access to her financial assets and needs her weak and dependent in order to steal from her.

The best way to protect yourself from this insidious form of emotional abuse is you educate yourself on what gaslighting looks and feels like.

STEP 1: Call people out when they gaslight you. Simply say,

“Don’t gaslight me.”

Naming something takes away it’s power. Calmly state the facts. If they insist on playing their crazy-making game, disengage. Gaslighting only works when you are unaware that it is going on. The second you cotton on, it’s game over.

Here are 12 manipulative tactics gaslighters use to confuse you

1. They bareface lie to you

Normal people have a moral code and value honesty and integrity. Narcissists on the other hand don’t have the same moral code as you. They lie so often they don’t even realize they are doing it. It’s their default setting. This is hard to wrap your head around, I know.

Narcissists are habitual and pathological liars. They are always bending the truth to reframe reality. When you are being gaslit and lied to, stay calm. Respond with the facts even though you can’t get them to admit to the lie. In fact, they will insist that you are wrong, and answer questions with more questions.

It’s all about “their truth” as opposed to The Truth. Dealing with a pathological liar can leave you feeling confused and off-balance. Even when they don’t pull the wool over your eyes, you still leave the encounter feeling drained.

Liars are dangerous, stay away from them. They are not acting “out of character,” this is their character.

2. Gaslighters Divide and Conquer

To prevent the truth coming out, narcissists cause division among people and groups. Gaslighters are adept at getting people onto their side with their fake charm and lies. They then use these recruits as flying monkeys to attack you and to abuse you by proxy. It’s super confusing because you notice people acting “off” towards you but you have no idea why.

They also lie and make up rumors that call your character into question. They convince you that you are flawed or damaged or have a “problem.”

Another common tactic that narcissists use is to try and convince you that you are “damaged” in some way. They gaslight you to devalue you. They will call you an alcoholic, tell you that you’ve put on weight, or accuse you of something horrible that you’ve never done. They deliberately get you on the backfoot with this strategy.

My narcissistic ex went out of his way to try and convince me that I was an alcoholic. I even caught him telling his family behind my back that I had a “drinking problem”. My jaw hit the ground when I saw the extent of the behind the scenes manipulation. These people live in a nasty, backstabbing soap opera of their own making. It really is crazy making.

Whilst literally driving you to drink with their abuse, they state how “worried” they are about you. They tell everyone else how “concerned” they are about you. This tactic can be very effective. By initiating and then dominating the narrative, they gain allies by hiding the truth. By triangulating everyone, they can sell a false narrative to a captive audience. Unfortunately, a narcissist can be very convincing and this can destroy your relationships.

I have learned to just let go. Those that really care about you will dig deep enough and ask you directly for the truth. Those that want to whisper behind your back can stay there.

3. Gaslighters Avoid Answering Direct Questions

When dealing with a narcissist who’s a master gaslighter, it’s very hard to communicate your real feelings to them. It’s even harder, if not impossible, to get the truth out of them. Nothing can ever be resolved.

It feels as if your voice box has been removed. You have all these words that you want to say but when you open your mouth to speak, no words come out. The narcissist has trained you to be too scared to speak up.

Earlier on in the relationship, they became very aggressive or gave you the silent treatment, or punished you when you said something they didn’t like. Over time, you learn that it’s safer to keep quiet. You literally lose your voice, and more tragically, you lose yourself.

When you do manage to get the words out and ask a narcissist directly about something, they ignore the question or swiftly change the subject. Or, they will respond with a question to deflect you, or accuse you of something to take the focus off of themselves.

They also typically react with nonsensical word salad. They gaslight you by insisting that they never said what they said or did what they did. They will accuse you of imagining things, having a bad memory, or suggest that you are crazy or over sensitive.

4. They Mind-F*** You

To gain control over you, a gaslighter will discount (counter) anything you say. They will invalidate your feelings by telling you that you are overly emotional, pre-menstrual, too sensitive, out of touch with reality or seeing things wrong.

By negating everything you say and do, they disempower you and make you compliant. You begin to lose self-confidence as they chip away at your self-esteem.

Gaslighters love to act innocent. You will point out an obvious breach of contract, untruth or some other boundary violation - and they will look at you with big eyes, acting all innocent, wounded and fragile. Don’t fall for it.

5. They Blame Shift

They will wiggle and wangle the conversation to ensure they look perfect and blame free. When they are caught red handed, they turn the situation around and make you wrong, thereby deflecting the focus from them onto you.

This is a slippery tactic so watch out for it. Using a monotone voice, calmly keep stating the facts over and over again. Don’t let them steer you off course. Stick to the facts.

6. Deny, deny, deny

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” ~ Bill Clinton

Gaslighters never take responsibility for anything. If they make a mistake, a wrong move, fail dismally or get caught out, they deny it. If backed into a corner, they blame it on something or someone else. They never admit to messing up and they NEVER EVER apologize.

A narcissist cannot deal with the truth nor can they handle honest, constructive criticism. In order to maintain their mask, they have to deny reality and bend the truth.

7. They Weaponize Your Compassion

When caught out, they will play the victim. They appeal to your empathy but they do it in an attacking way.

“I can’t believe you would think that of me.” [Inset wounded look]

“How long have you known me? I’d never do that.” [insert shocked, wounded face]

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“I’m sorry we got it wrong.”

“I’d never intentionally hurt you.”

It sounds almost like an apology, but really, it’s an accusation. What they are really communicating is,

“How dare you call me out!”

It is not a genuine acknowledgement of guilt nor is it an apology. No matter how sweetly they dress it up, you will feel the daggers coming at you through their fake sincerity.

8. They Twist And Reframe Reality

You know it didn’t happen, they know it didn’t happen but we must pretend that it did.

A gaslighting narcissist will deliberately try to confuse you and make you question your own memories, perceptions and reality. According to Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant selfLove: Narcissism Revisited, a narcissist wants you to buy into a shared fantasy when you enter in a relationship with them.

In this fantasy world there is little room for truth, transparency and authenticity. You are merely an object scripted to play a role. The moment you deviate from the narcissist’s script, you are devalued and ultimately, discarded. You are only welcome whilst you are buying into the twisted version of reality. Challenge it and pay the price.

9. They Attack Your Strengths

Gaslighters have an uncanny way of knowing what you value most about yourself. It’s often the very first thing they will attack.

If you are proud of a certain achievement, they will deliberately not mention it, ignore it completely or, they will question its usefulness.

I remember proudly telling a narcissist that I was going to study a BA Psychology at University. Their response?

“BA stands for Bugger All. What a useless degree — what are you going to do with that? You will end up getting married and never use it anyway.”

They tell you that it’s a total waste of time in an attempt to devalue you and destroy your sense of self-worth.

10. They Blow Hot And Cold

To remain in control, a gaslighter will neg you and put you down in order to knock you back down to size.

However, one minute they are criticizing, berating or withholding, the next they are complimenting you and being “nice.”

This is a very sly tactic for gaining control. By being nice some of the time they trick you into believing that if their praise is valid, then their criticism must be valid too. This is the same technique used in trauma bonding when the abuser plays out the nasty-nice dynamic also known as ‘love bomb-devalue-discard.’

This hot and cold behavior keeps you off-balance. It’s hard to call them out on their bad behavior because they can also be so nice, caring and “loving.” Trouble is, they are only nice when they want to get something out of you.

Another tactic a gaslighter will use is to compliment you in an attempt to downplay their shitty behavior.

“You look so pretty when you are angry.”

Another way to spot a gaslighter is to pay attention to what it is they are praising. It is usually something that benefits them…

11. They project onto you

Projection is a defense mechanism used by narcissists to transfer their flaws onto you. If you accuse a gaslighter of cheating, they will accuse you of the same thing. This diversion tactic takes the focus off of them. So, instead of focusing on their behavior, you are forced to defend yourself.

If you find yourself engaging in this tit-for-tat dance, calmly say,

“We can address my behavior in a minute, let’s talk about you first and then I am more happy to talk about me.”

Although, when communicating with someone who is dishonest, deceptive and manipulative, no normal conversation can actually take place. Radically accept the reality of who this person is revealing themselves to be - and disengage.

12. They drain your energy

Gaslighters test your boundaries from the get-go. The more you let them get away with, the more they will push your limits. No matter how much you give, placate or try to understand them, the chaos and the games will never end. They will always want more.

Narcissists see life as a video game whereby they always have to be one-up. This leaves no space for genuine connection and a meeting of minds. To try and remain in a relationship with a narcissist will drain and exhaust you. You will end up a dry husk of your former self. They get stronger whilst you get weaker. You cannot have a healthy relationship with a personality disordered individual. The only way to survive is to disengage.

They do not want to understand where you are coming from. They do not care about your hurt feelings. They don’t give two hoots about your discomfort or the devastating consequences of their breach of contract. You may just have to cut your losses, learn from the experience and walk away. Don’t waste your time and energy drinking from a poisonous well. Cut the cords.

When I was nearing the end of one of my narcissistic relationships (yes, there have been more than one!) I started keeping a journal and voice notes. I found this extremely helpful, and anchoring.

When my ex tried to twist things and rewrite the past and reframe certain conversations, I’d refer back to the recordings and journal entries. This is what really brought home the extent of the abuse and madness. Keeping a diary is a powerful tool if you are in a situation where you feel you are losing your mind. It is an anchor to reality.

Unfortunately, toxic individuals use these manipulative techniques because they work. There is nothing you can do or say to change them, or their behavior. To keep yourself safe, educate yourself on human behavior. If you’ve had an abusive childhood, it’s extra important to learn what your boundaries are. Start healing so that you can tune into the subtle messages your body is sending you.

Bottom line: “If something feels off, it is!” Set boundaries. Advocate for yourself and above all, trust your gut and listen to the small, still voice within.

If you’re ready to stop living in the story of your trauma, book your Breakthrough Session today or contact me to see if we’re a fit for my #SelfLoveJourney Coaching Program. Together, we’ll release the patterns and beliefs that are keeping you stuck.

References and Further Reading

Malignant SelfLove: Revisiting Narcissism by Sam Vaknin

When the Body Says No by Gabor Maté M.D.

Walking Over Eggshells: Surviving Mental Abuse by Lucinda E Clarke

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t by Henry Cloud, John Townsend

The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes Phd