What Games Are You Playing?

“Pastimes and games are substitutes for the real living of real intimacy.” Eric Berne MD

Back in July a chap connected with me on LinkedIn. Unusually he wanted to have a chat almost as soon as we’d connected.

Looking at his profile I could see he was a sales trainer, so my immediate thought was that he was going to try and sell his services to me.

I wasn’t wrong.

But the way he did it was superb, and he invited me to attend one of his ? day workshops, I jumped at the chance.

              I’ve had a reasonable amount of sales training and didn’t really expect that much from the session, how wrong could I have been.

The sales system he teaches is based on the psycho-analytic technique known as Transactional Analysis.

The definitive book on this is “I’m OK You’re OK” by Thomas Harris MD, which I first read when I was about 16 years old, but had never made the connection to selling.

And it was as if suddenly someone had turned on all the lights for the first time. Where I had had mind blocks about selling previously, they just melted away in the 3 hours of that training session.

But here’s the biggest irony.

Nearly twenty years ago, when I was a sales manager at the Daily Mirror, I had bought that book for one of my team who was struggling. I bought it for her, not because she couldn’t sell but because she used to get very frustrated with the mind games her clients used to play, and I gave her the book because I thought it would help her understand and therefore cope more effectively.

Two days later she told me that it was too “Intellectual” for her and that she couldn’t really understand it.

              After my reintroduction to TA in the summer I just had to get the book again, and its sister, Games People Play by the psychologist Eric Berne.

Using TA Berne identifies many psychological games that are adopted and played between people.

They are easily identifiable when you know what to look for and they serve a couple of purposes.

              They help us to maintain our sense of identity. And they enable us to navigate the maze of our social relationships.

We all play these games. They are like the lubricating oil that allows the car engine to keep working without seizing up.

However, some of them can be self-harming and damaging to your experience of life.

              Like the lady who I gave the book to. She was playing the game of “I’m too stupid”.

In this game the player adopts a position that allows them to stay where they are because they position themselves, in their own mind, as being too stupid to learn a new game.

But it’s just a game, she wasn’t, and the players of this game are not stupid. It’s just a position they adopt so they don’t have to consider the possibility that they could achieve more and get better results in their life.

As I describe a few more of the common games you will start to recognise them, certainly in other people and maybe even in yourself.

Don’t worry playing games is natural. It’s like everything else, it’s about having the awareness to know what game you’re playing and the effect that is having.

Here’s a few more you might recognise:

I’m only trying to help: In this game the player is super helpful but frequently offers help that is either inappropriate or irrelevant to the person they are trying to help. This usually results in the person rejecting the help, usually very graciously. However, the player can then be self-righteously indignant proclaiming in a hurt or sarcastic voice “Well I was only trying to help”. Recognise it?

Look How Hard I’ve Tried: In this game the player is seen to be working hard or trying their best to do a task. But ultimately not doing a very good job or failing at the activity. The objective is to win sympathy. You might also recognise it as “Poor Me”.

See What You Made Me Do: Played by those who cannot take responsibility for their actions and behaviours. It’s always someone or something else’s fault. Often played by people who are addicted to the drama of difficult relationships, either personal or professional.

Yes I Would But: In this game the player always has a reason they cannot do something that everybody else can see they should be doing. A modern version goes something like this:

Player: I’m rubbish with technology.

Friend: what about taking a training course?

Player: Yes I would But I just don’t have the time.

Now I’ve got You: Usually played by those who feel the world’s against them and they can’t conceal their joy when something happens to justify their victimhood. This is very often played by the complainers of the world, those who love nothing better than kicking off in a restaurant because there’s a thumb print on their wine glass. Or who love to query the slightest extra they weren’t expecting on their car servicing bill.

              There are many, many different games that people play. And the point is this.

When you are caught up in playing one of these games it is impossible to see the world as it really is.

To see reality.

Games get in the way of open, honest relationships because the players have to keep on justifying the roles they have adopted.

And it is the games you play that dictate the decisions and choices you make. You quite literally become trapped by the rules of the game and lose your freedom of choice.

              It is only when you can recognise the game you’re playing that you can choose, to carry on or to change the game.

Exceptional Leaders can see the games that are being played. They can choose the positive games that take them towards the results they "REALLY" want and reject the negative games that divert them and undermine their direction.

You can get the FREE download of the 7 Essential Skills of Exceptional Leadership by visiting this link

As Randy Pausch said.

"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the game."