What It Feels Like for a Girl

Before there was “The Man” by Taylor Swift, there was “What It Feels Like for a Girl” by Madonna. Released in 2000 on the “Music” album, the song, which Madonna co-wrote, is a silent sleeper in her vast catalogue.

There’s a lot packed into this song. Themes that Madonna has explored throughout her career around gender roles, societal expectations of women and a jab at anti-trans sentiment. ?

But what hits me hardest when I listen to this song is how accurately it captures the experience of being a woman trying to build a career in the male-dominated world. Lines like, “When you open up your mouth to speak could you be a little weak?,” and “When you're trying hard to be your best could you be a little less?” hit particularly hard.

The first time I heard this song, I cried. That may seem dramatic. Maybe I was having a particularly challenging day, but the tears came because I felt seen in a way I hadn’t before. Madonna found the words I couldn’t.

According to a 2023 study by McKinsey, women experience microaggressions in the workplace at two-times the rate of men. For women of color, those numbers grow exponentially.

Listen, it isn’t breaking news: It’s hard to be a woman in business and harder to be a woman leader. But it’s all the wrong reasons. Just some personal examples:

• I’ve been told by less qualified men with little self-awareness and an excessive amount of self-confidence how I should do my job.
• I have been called a “bitch” by a male manager frustrated that I wouldn’t just do as I was told.
• I was once told I was "cute" during a keynote Q&A. Not really a question, bud.

None of these made my job easy or enjoyable. They did make me angry and frustrated, and they certainly reminded me of my "place" as a woman.

According to a 2023 study by 麦肯锡 , women experience microaggressions in the workplace at two-times the rate of men. For women of color, those numbers grow exponentially.

Nearly 80 percent of these women change the way they act and look to protect themselves. In other words: We pull back, tone down what we say, change what we do to blend in and avoid conflict. The ultimate impact: Women feel less psychologically safe in the workplace.

It starts by creating safe spaces and support systems that allow women to speak with power and strive to be their very best without limits. That’s what it should feel like for a girl.

What happens when we feel less safe? We tap out. The result is loss of talent and diverse perspectives. In fact, McKinsey also found that women at director-level and below are leaving the workplace faster than their male counterparts. It’s a pipeline problem.

I’d love to say that all my microaggression examples happened early my career. I still navigate them now though I’m able to deflect better and call attention to situations more boldly.

But there are still times when my hardwire training to “be polite” undermines me, like the time I extended my hand to a male colleague in welcome and was so taken aback when he went in for the hard hug that I submitted. I beat myself up for days over that. I should have enforced my personal boundaries. I could have stepped back. On and on. But I didn’t want to make him feel bad or create a “scene.”

UGH. Lame. I know. But this is a work-in-progress. I’m deprogramming years of societal training around how I am supposed to behave.

It is not the goal to be the only, the smartest or the most powerful woman in the room.

Which means there’s not really a simple checklist that I can provide to help other women navigate this. If I had one, I’d write a New York Times bestseller. That said, if pressed, I’d have four pieces of advice:

1. Seek diversity in leadership. The organizations where I’ve thrived are those where power is shared between men and women. Most recent examples: At AAA Washington , our executive team is 70% women, our Board of Trustees 50%. PCC Community Markets had a similar mix: Women were 60% of the executive leadership, 50% of the Board. These are companies where I felt most heard, seen, and appreciated. They were also the places where I felt most like I belonged because I saw people like me at the top leading the culture and business. Seek out organizations where diversity in leadership is an authentic investment – not just at the top, but at all levels and across more than just sex.
2. F**k politeness. My favorite podcast is “My Favorite Murder” produced by Exactly Right Media . One of the hosts’ mantras is: “F**k politeness.” It’s their advice for all those times we, as women, ignore our instincts about bad male behavior because we don’t want to be impolite. The MFM mantra works perfectly here, too. Don’t let yourself get rolled over in meetings. Block that hug. Be firm, not rude. To quote another Taylor Swift song: “Never be so polite, you forget your power, Never wield such power, you forget to be polite.”
3. Focus on culture. Is it weird to quote yourself? Eight years ago, I wrote on a Linked In post : “Culture grows out of a shared set of beliefs, behaviors, and rituals. Strong ones draw like-minded people to them. If you don’t fit, you don’t last long or go far within that group.” I still believe this 100%. Search out cultures that reflect your values and beliefs, and where you feel you belong. Those are the places you’ll shine – and believe me, you deserve to shine.
4. Advocate for other women. Former U.S. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright famously said: “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.” It is not the goal to be the only, the smartest or the most powerful woman in the room. Look out for each other. Support each other. Build each other up. Share experiences. Offer advice. Clock the room and be aware of the other women, and how they’re doing. One of my long-standing tricks is, if someone clearly looks like they want to contribute but isn’t given the space or is cut off, I make a point to acknowledge them with a simple “Was there something you wanted to say?” This gives them the floor and an advocate in the room.

It's been nearly 25 years since Madonna released “What It Feels Like for a Girl.” An entire generation of women have come of age during that time. Is the business world better for them now than then? Kind of? In 2000, 0.4% of CEOs at Fortune 500 companies were women. Today, it’s 4.8%. <sigh>

The more encouraging stat is that, according to McKinsey, 28 percent of C-suite leaders in 2023 (which includes not just CEO, but CFO, CMO, etc.) were women. There’ve also been increases across other levels of leadership.

But it’s not enough. Our work isn’t done, and, for that next generation, it’s just beginning. If we work together, we, like the women who drove the culture and economics of 2024 (i.e. Taylor, Beyoncé, Barbie and all of us who supported them), can be a force of nature.

It starts by creating safe spaces and support systems that allow women to speak with power and strive to be their very best without limits. That’s what it should feel like for a girl.