What Every Parent Should Know Before Their Child Starts Middle School
The American Middle School is a unique cultural experience for adolescents. If your child’s school district is structured so that they will attend a Middle School (typically a building housing 6th, 7th, and 8th-grade students), there are some things you should be prepared for. I was a middle school counselor for 8 years and am currently the mother of a middle school daughter.??
From my experience, middle school is a hugely transitional time in a child’s life. It is the last chance you have to parent them before allowing them to sink or swim in the pseudo-adult world of high school.?
They will be given more responsibility than in their elementary years. They will now have to change classes between bell periods, use a locker, change for PE class, and balance participation in extracurricular activities. Additionally, they will try to fit in and find themselves and their core friend group while friendship dynamics, popularity, and coolness constantly change.
Ugh - I wouldn’t return to middle school if you paid me! With the addition of social media, our children have to deal with social issues that are much more prevalent and potent than we did at their age.
In this article, I will highlight key ideas that you, as the parent of a middle-schooler, should try to keep in focus throughout these years. Pour yourself a stiff cup of coffee, and let’s settle in.
They will hate this one, and it is developmentally appropriate for them to battle you on this.? The middle school stage of child development is defined by the struggle to be independent of their parental figures while trying to fit in with their peers.? They will constantly be comparing what everyone else at school gets to do and what permissions they are allowed from their parents. They will challenge you on the rules you have set for your family and in your home.
My daughter has challenged me on several rules of the house that, as she grew up, became outdated.? As I am always a fan of structure, I will keep a rule in place until I am forced to give it up.? It’s just my parenting style to keep them young and little as long as I can.? And leave it to my oldest, my strong-willed daughter, to challenge those rules that keep me in my most comfortable parenting sphere.? I have learned that giving some bend to my rules benefited her more than keeping her stuck following something that felt old and outdated.? By allowing her to protest and advocate for herself, once I yielded to her request, I showed her that she could improve her life by using her voice and advocating for herself.? This is all within reason, of course.? I caved on things like having her phone in her room after bedtime on weekends or allowing her to go to public places with a group of friends I know and trust.? But, she knows I will push back, question and sometimes flat out say “no”.??
I have always embraced the logic that I want my children to understand why I am denying a request.? While I love the “because I said so” concept because it takes less energy and gets straight to the point, I know there is more value in teaching my middle school child why I disapprove and the potential risks or dangers.? She can argue back, but ultimately, my decision is final.
As a counselor, I too often see parents cave to their child’s wishes because they don’t want their child to “resent” them.? This is not to say that I don’t cave when I don’t want to.? I do, as shown in the examples above.? However, going against your judgment as a parent to please your child or win their love is, in my opinion, a recipe for disaster.?
When my son or daughter does not like the decision I have made regarding their request to do or have something, I use the following tools to help them understand my position:
At the end of the day, you don’t have to give your child the world to make them love you.? Have tough conversations and help them see how much love, care, and attention you put into caring for them.? They will respect your rules and boundaries when discussing them with respect and love. Ultimately, you teach them how to handle conflict with a loved one. Model it well.?
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2. It is too soon for a “hands-off” approach.
In my years as a Middle School Counselor, I had countless conversations with parents whose children were not completing assignments and thus failing their classes. When I asked the parents if they saw the child completing homework in the evenings, the response was often that they were letting their child “sink or swim” on their own. In other words, they were not checking up on the work their child was completing.?
Many parents would explain that their child protested early in the school year, and since it was now middle school, they figured it was best to let their child figure it out through failure.??
While I do believe there is a lot to learn from failure with the right attitude, typically, middle school students who choose not to complete their assignments and fall behind in their classes often get overwhelmed with how and what they need to do to catch up, and they just give up.? This is when the idea that they just aren’t good at school or “don’t care” starts to rear its ugly head.? This pattern of behavior reinforces the limiting belief that they can’t do it, and now we have a mountain to climb instead of a molehill.
My advice: start middle school with the same amount of parental oversight and involvement your child successfully had in elementary school.? Once they prove they can regularly complete their assignments and keep their grades up (to the best of their ability), you can start to pull back and monitor their grades from a more distant place.?
3. You should be in communication with the school.?
Listen, maybe you weren’t the star student, captain of the football team, or student government president, and that is more than okay.? Whatever your middle school/high school experience was, even if it was mostly traumatic, you are not that person anymore.? You are a parent trying to get to know the school 15-30 years after you attended.? Your job is to get to know your child’s school.? Peruse the website, attend the parent events, and email the teachers and guidance counselor any questions. You are the parent and, thus, the first and most influential teacher in your child’s life.? Own this role, and don’t let the school scare you off.? Get involved in any parent organization you can, or at least keep up with their emails and messages.? The more you know about your child’s school, the better you can understand their daily experience.
Conversely, if you were the cheer captain or honor roll student who loved your school experience, please understand that your child might not have the same experience. Schools are living, breathing entities that have changed dramatically in the last couple of decades. Let your child tell you about their experiences in school and believe them, or check out anything questionable with an adult in charge at the school.
4. Remember what middle school felt like for you, and feel compassion for this deeply transformational time in your child’s life.
From puberty to social media to state testing, our children are dealing with more than we did at their age. I hate that for them. Imagine developing before your friends and classmates and having to sit in a health class where the teacher talks about and shows pictures of physical development. Most of us adults would squirm in our seats with what is being explained to our kids. It is important information that they are curious about yet scared to admit they are curious about it.
Key Takeaways:?
As a parent of a middle schooler, try to remember a few key points: