What if embracing where you are and what you’ve accomplished is the key to breaking free from ageism?

Somewhere between turning 50 and turning 50.5, I started thinking a lot about the decade ahead of me. What should I strive for? What did I still have time for? How could I make sure I wasn’t going to be left behind??

It was during this time that I heard Dan Harris 's Ten Percent Happier podcast conversation with Thomas Curran , a professor in the department of psychological and behavioral science at the 英国伦敦政治经济学院 . Their topic was perfectionism, something I have talked about both in this newsletter and in my book, To the Top . My focus has been urging women to ditch perfectionism for the sake of self preservation and self realization. My rationale was that too many of us create impossible expectations for ourselves based on societal norms (amplified exponentially today by social media) that cause us to spend too much time worrying about being “perfect” rather than prioritizing what really matters.?While my heart was in the right place, I didn’t fully understand the psychology behind wanting to be perfect.?

As Curran explains, striving for perfection does not come from a place of strength; it comes from a place of scarcity. Having high standards and wanting to succeed doesn’t make you a perfectionist; feeling lesser than no matter how much you achieve does. Perfectionism is a deficit mindset, a fear that we are somehow not as good/worthy/able—and, yes, youthful—as others and, therefore, we need to keep pushing. Perfectionism is pernicious.?

I’ve come to see the logic of this perspective and embrace that I can be high achieving and flawed. I know it’s healthier to show my mistakes than try to be flawless. Suddenly, getting older feels a lot less scary.?

Aging is natural, normal—and unavoidable. Yet our society tells women in no uncertain terms that we should hide all of aging’s telltale signs. As women get older, we are told we are less desirable, less competent, and less valuable overall. And we buy into it. We subconsciously internalize ageism, which amplifies our belief that we are less than because we’re older. It tracks with how perfectionism plays out. As Curran explains: "If we can’t meet the standards that other people are chasing, if we can’t chase them anymore, then we can’t compete.” And the problem doesn’t stop there. Perfectionists don’t just harm themselves with these impossible standards, they often apply these expectations to the people around them, too.?

For perfectionists, ageism might be the one bias that can’t be overcome through achievement. As a 50 year old, I now see that I don’t have to. I can appreciate my accomplishments and give myself the space to explore what I want to tackle next.?

Although I was excited about celebrating the magnificent milestone of turning 50 this year, I’ll admit that I was also a bit daunted by the way society has historically associated it with being “over the hill.” So what did I do? I doubled down on getting in great physical shape. I streamlined my systems for business development. I let go of a lot of lists. I did these things thinking that they’d help me manage my next phase of achievement.??

Yes, perspective does come with age. But you’re never too young to root out internalized ageism and other scarcity-based mindsets that hinder self esteem, positive habits, and strong relationships—especially with yourself.? #tothetop