What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

Imagine, being on stage, and singing one of the most inspiring songs of all time for a charity event sponsored by your employer.

It is a gala night - a formal affair - and you are performing in front of your esteemed colleagues, some of them working in your branch, and others whom you have never met. The senior most people from your company are all there to show their support for this first-of-its-kind event.

This was me, a few years ago, living out all my greatest fears at the time - the fear of not being enough, of being found wanting, and of being seen for an imposter, to name a few.

I do not exaggerate when I say that my heart was beating out of my chest, and I was more nervous than I had been in years, as I waited for my name to be called!

Why did I opt in for this if it was such a scary thing for me, you might very well ask.

I think I wanted to find out what I was capable of being.

The thing is that I felt that I had become old before I was ready. I was barely forty, but I felt a decade older. Physically I was frailer and less resilient, while emotionally I felt fragile and easily hurt.

I had just spent two years on an extended maternity leave after my third child. Those were years spent socially isolated, struggling with health issues, and looking after three young kids. Yes, some of us, especially moms on maternity leave, have experienced social isolation and its detrimental impact way before the pandemic came along!!

I had retreated into a world of diapers, and mashed food, homework and squabbles so thoroughly, that the outside world seemed alien and unwelcoming to me!

My self confidence was so low that when I returned to work, I felt ancient, slow, and less of a productive person, compared to my mostly younger and vibrant colleagues.

So, to answer the question, I did what I did, as I wanted to prove to myself that somewhere, I still had the old gumption in me - to do the unexpected, to be visible, to stretch and to do something risky - like singing (more like attempting a difficult song in front of a huge audience).

Now, I used to be a reasonably tuneful singer in my younger days, but at the time I signed up, I was really out of practice, not counting lullabies. The last time I had sung to my standards, with some expertise and aplomb in front of a crowd, was probably two decades earlier.

Regardless, I wanted confidence in a hurry; so I threw my hat over the fence, and signed up to do something that scared the heck out of me! I basically did what I now ask my clients to do when they are stuck or fearful. The fact that this event was in support of a charitable organization did give me a feeling of being noble and altruistic, which helped somewhat.

So, there I stood in the limelight, singing this beautiful song, "One Moment In Time", previously sung by Whitney Houston.

Those lyrics spoke to me as if they were written for me, as they have to countless others!

If you haven't heard it before, you can check it out here - https://youtu.be/96aAx0kxVSA .

My belting was passable enough. To put it another way, it was not so bad that people exited the hall in droves, but on the other hand, neither did it elicit goosebumps, tears of joy, or calls of encore!

More to the point, weeks of learning vocal exercises and tricks from vocal coaches on YouTube, incessant practice, and drinking soothing teas in copious amounts, did nothing to reduce the crippling dryness in my vocal chords on the day of the show, brought on as they were by my sky high stress levels.

So it is that my greatest fear of being flat/ screechy/ out of tune came true, in front of all those people. That is, my tight, dry throat delivered quite a few distinctly, unmusical notes. I kid you not!

Poor Whitney Houston! She must have turned over in her grave, I think.

I still got a round of applause, a beautiful bouquet, and encouraging words from the judges and audience, and that was that!

But here's the surprising part. I lived, went to work the next day and I felt better for having put myself on the spot like that. I learned stuff about me, life, success and failure from that night's experience - not all in one day, but slowly, as I reflected on it over the weeks that followed.

Some lessons I learned:

• I realized how kind my colleagues were, as they applauded and cheered my efforts, though I am pretty sure they were not tone deaf.
• I understood that I could be imperfect, very fallible, and still worthy of being part of the team.
• I found out that I was made of sterner stuff than I had given myself credit for . Not only did I do something excruciatingly difficult (and voluntarily), I also did not turn tail and call in sick.
• I showed up, and I did what I had committed to do. So I could and did trust myself more going forward.
• I found out that I could survive the embarrassment of facing my colleagues the next day again at work.
• I learned that failure is not deadly, and that I do not always need the validation of others. I also found out by extension, that successes are also short-lived.
• I understood that the evening and the memory of it may have been big for me, but it was more of yesterday's news and eminently forgettable for everyone else. I needn't even have worried so much!
• I became braver and more able to take risks. Studies have found that the fear of public speaking is more common than any other fear, including the fear of death. This probably explains why some of my other, lesser fears just disappeared after this act of mine!
• Most importantly, I found out that I could genuinely smile and be grateful for the opportunity to be part of something bigger than me, even under less than ideal circumstances.
• In retrospect, I am glad also for the sakes of my kids, that I decided to step out of my comfort zone, and start dreaming again. This way, I hope that if they hit a mid life crisis or hit a major road block in life, they will remember, and they will choose to be seen, heard and be counted, and to try again even when they are scared.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger - so said Friedrich Nietzsche and sang Kelly Clarkson!

I guess that must be true, for I am here to relate my tale, feeling years younger, stronger and more confident in my abilities to handle whatever life throws at me, because of that day when I decided to choose music over my fears.

How about you? Do you have a story to tell, of a time when you did something that was very difficult for you? How did it go? What did you learn about yourself?

#beinghuman #courage #smallsteps #imperfection #makemistakes #Kindness #teamculture #selfcompassion #takeaction #takerisks