What does a work-a-holic do when they are scared out of their mind. . . “DOUBLE DOWN!"

Yesterday, a good friend said, “Did you know that no one sees us the way that we see ourselves?” This statement stopped me in my tracks. I responded with “Wow, that is deep!” I know I am so profound (LOL).

I asked him if he wanted to try an exercise where we tell each other how we see ourselves and then we will honestly say, if that is how we see each other??He immediately replied, “Where do we even start?” After an hour we could not even begin to thoroughly explain how we see ourselves. I knew the one word that I think people would use to describe me over my last 20 plus years is “Workaholic”, and he agreed.

After our conversation, I started thinking back. Specifically, back to this same time last year. A transformation was beginning in October of 2021. I was absolutely working my usual 68 – 74 hours per week at my day job. I was also “voluntold” oh I mean, I was asked by an executive team member to lead the Diversity initiatives (With no additional pay, bonus, or support). I was afraid to speak up for my needs then. Even after 20 years of experience and no hesitation speaking up for others, I did not know how to use my voice for me.

In addition to that, they were paying me less than I should have been making in my role. So, I also was running my own speaking, consulting, direct placement business and working on my second book to try to bridge the gap in income. I am the primary provider for my kids and household so I had to hustle or so I thought. I was also volunteering in my spare time. I was tired, no, I was exhausted, no I was literally dying. I am getting tired just thinking about the way I used to live my life.

I was constantly sick to my stomach. I am not going to lie, if I had too, I would take calls while in the bathroom, being sick, on mute. I was constantly on conference calls and had no balance. I wasn’t eating, walking, or even thinking clearly about anything. I was stressed out and maxed out. I started losing weight and not in a healthy way. I was losing about 5 pounds a week and my hair started falling out. One time I went into the office for an in person meeting and the CEO asked me who I was. That is how different I looked.

During calls my heart rate would rise to over 180 BPM, I would lose my breath, start sweating, shaking, and yes having full on panic attacks. I told my Human Resources partner about my stress level and asked for help and a referral for through EAP. She told me our EAP plan was useless. I told her that I was thinking horrible thoughts about hurting myself, that I was having nightmares about work, that I could not deal with leading the diversity group, and that I felt pressured to do it. I am passionate about Diversity, but I felt the nature of our conversations was putting me at risk with the leaders who did not agree with the DEI approach or training sessions and the conversations were deeply hurtful. I thought that I was having a mental breakdown. She responded with “Lacey, I am going to the lake this weekend, and I might just walk right out into the middle of the lake and not come back, if you know what I mean.” That did not help.?

I could not, no, that’s not true, I would not make time to go to the doctors until my sister sat me down after my grandfather’s funeral and told me I had too. She could see I was suffering that I needed help. I have severe fear of the healer (That’s a story for another time). I promised her I would, and I set out on a mission to get help. Throughout the month of October I had several doctor appointments with several different medical professionals, and all thought I had low Iron. After much Iron therapy and 14 different Physicians and numerous labs.

I thought I was dying, and that the doctors would not figure it out in time because they did not care. I was very paranoid in those days. So what do you think a work-a-holic does when they are scared out of their mind, “DOUBLE DOWN!” And that is exactly what I did. I went looking for extra work and projects. I thought “If I am dying I am going to leave as much money as I can for my children and family.” Trust me when I say this did not pay off and just made me sicker and I know now my kids would have rather had my time!

At the end of November/Beginning of December, I went to a life changing appointment with a doctor who looked right at me and said, “You have Graves’ Disease.” I can tell by looking at you. Finally, I thought, a doctor who can “See me”. He said “It explains why your eyes are swollen, the memory lapses, the cloud of confusion, the loss of weight and hair, the panic attacks, rapid heart rate, inability to cope with stress, the mental impairment, the severe stomach pains, loss of appetite, and so much more.” It was such a relief to know what was going on with my body and that there was hope.

I decided I had to take a break from everything and allow my body to be sick, spend time with my family, rest, recover, and heal. Over the last year my life has transformed, I had two surgeries: the first one to repair some extended issues that were causing extreme pain and the second to remove my Thyroid.

Finally, I am coming back to life, and I must share my story. I don’t really want to. I would rather hide my struggle and deal with it in private, but the thing is: there is someone out there, who was suffering just like I did. I have a responsibility to share what I have learned. In most cases it doesn’t matter how hard you work or how long you achieve great results, the moment the employer does not see you as valuable they will replace you, so take care of “You” first. Self-Love is everything.

Your life matters, create space for you, if you’re sick go to the doctor, if you feel like hurting yourself, tell someone who really cares about you, if you are working for an organization that is toxic LEAVE. Don’t work yourself into the grave. Life is about so much more than work. It is about being happy, adding value to people, and being of service in the best way you know how.

If you are in a tough position, working in a toxic environment, and ready for a change. I want to help you. I am giving free resume review and 30-minute career coaching consultation to as many as I can. No charge. No gimmicks. No hidden whatever down the road. No pressure.

You can visit: https://www.laceyspeaks.com/bookings-checkout/i-m-ready-for-change/book to schedule a time to talk FOR FREE.?You deserve better and if I can help, I will.

-Lacey Wilson

#mentalhealthmatters #toxicworkplace #selflove #selfcare #workbalance #Laceyspeaks