What “Commitment” Really Means in a Relationship

Lately, there’s been a lot of talk around the internet about what it takes to build a strong relationship. As a marriage counselor and cofounder (with my wife, no less!) of The Couples Center, I have plenty of experience with this question.

Our culture is full of myths and falsehoods about what makes a truly successful partnership. One of the most common questions couples ask me is, “What does a great relationship look like?” They usually wonder, “Is there more that’s possible for us, or should we just settle for what we have?” And if there is more, they want to know the steps for getting there.

There are a number of qualities partners need to cultivate if they want to build a love that lasts (and based on our work with hundreds of couples, we’ve developed the 7 dimensions of exceptional relationships to teach you how to do just that!) But at its core, the foundation of a great relationship is commitment. Making your partner a priority, and making sure they feel secure and know that you are there for them, creates the environment for love and intimacy and allows them to feel free to be themselves.

This might seem obvious, but the specifics of commitment remain elusive to many of us. We know it’s important, but what does commitment really look like?

Here are three essential components:

Priority.

The health and happiness of your relationship needs to take priority over other people or engagements. This means you resolve issues between you quickly and don’t let them linger, and in all-important matters you turn to each other first, and you never share something with others that your partner is uncomfortable with (yes, never!).

Security.

This also seems obvious, but you need to feel safe with each other. That means you never threaten the relationship (e.g. “if you continue doing this, I’m out of here!”) or make your partner feel insecure about your commitment. Also, you don’t let anyone come between the two of you—you always have each other’s back when dealing with any issue or person.

Intention.

Finally, you’re both committed to making your relationship work, and you understand that in order to do that you have to continue to grow and learn. Even the best relationships have ups and downs, and you don’t let the downs affect your commitment. Your connection has to be more important then being right or winning an argument.

A healthy relationship is based on you and your partner’s alignment in a number of different areas, including commitment. For your relationship to be fully satisfying, you must address these areas together and cultivate them over time.

If you want to dismantle the myths and understand what really counts in your partnership, the 7D model will help you immensely. Check out our upcoming talk, 4 Simple Steps to a Love That Lasts, or our upcoming premarital and long-term relationship workshops, where you can learn specific tools for more joy and ease together!