What does it (actually) FEEL like when you sit with your feelings instead of eat them?

I’ll never forget the first time I successfully sat with my feelings rather than ate them.

Before that, I’d sit in bed and finish a tub of ice cream with 2-3 packets of Tim Tams.?

Then, do it again the next day.?

For me it wasn’t just alcohol. It was weed, pills, the list goes on. Whatever I could get my hands on would do. Then when I stopped, food stepped in to take their place.

I journaled, meditated, and did yoga every day.

I saw a therapist, exercised, and made sure I didn’t isolate too much by spending short bursts of time with quality people and by attending 12 step fellowships.

That’s the hard part of recovery. Keeping up the consistency without the desired immediate results.

I had to do so much work! Not knowing if anything I was doing (or what) was making a difference.

It was so bloody time consuming. But that’s just the way it was. I think because I wanted it bad enough, I put in the work (after resisting for many years). I certainly couldn’t continue as I was.

After some time, I noticed my journaling changed. It wasn’t just me talking about the excruciating pain I was in anymore, or why I was so pissed off at different people.?

It was like the frustration started to drop away and was replaced with compassion. To my absolute surprise, this compassion was directed at me!

I began to forgive myself for past mistakes, realising these mistakes were alive only in my mind. There was no point carrying this shame anymore.?

Further to this I stopped blaming myself for mistakes I had made in the past. I began to notice the automatic voices in my head berating me. I learned not to listen to them. Well more accurately not to believe them.

I realised that this shame and blame was not coming from me, but was the voices of the abusers I had endured in my childhood.

I realised I did not have to continue abusing myself on their behalf. As cliché as it sounds, I was starting to love myself.

I was only able to see this slow subtle change so clearly because of my dedication to the journaling process. I also don’t think my mind would have slowed enough for me to journal in that way if I were not as equally dedicated to meditating.?

Putting these feelings on paper gave them clarity and made them valid. Sometimes I didn’t know where the words were coming from, my inner world would just pour out onto the page in front of me.?

Lying in bed craving that chocolate and having the presence of mind to reassure myself “It’s just a feeling, that's all, it will pass”.. was a first for me.?

For the first time in real time, I was able to acknowledge the craving and talk back to it. I said....“I know you are only trying to help me by making me feel better. But I know eating that chocolate will make me more miserable and actually won't help me at all”. “I don’t need to make myself physically sick to make my emotional pain valid”.?

I didn’t need to continue that childhood abuse or abandon myself by using food in this way anymore. I could stay present. I could tolerate the feelings.?

Sure, enough I fell asleep. In the morning when I woke the feelings were gone.?

I eagerly began journaling that morning knowing that it would cement my progress. It was amazingly self-affirming.?

This was the turning point.?

I only had to do it once. It got much easier much quicker from then on.

Sure, from time to time I was unable to do this. But when I did overeat, I didn’t berate myself after or during. I allowed it to happen with love instead of hate. I redirected my energy and slowly the behaviours slipped away in total. In their own time, not in mine.

I was so proud of myself. (If you are reading this and have never felt proud (of self), it’s a warm full feeling in the chest that radiates to the shoulders).

I didn’t think it would ever happen; you know??

I didn't think I would ever get it.

That is why I am writing this post.

In the hope that someone will read this and just keep going.?

Do as many self-care activities as you can.?

Prioritise you and your needs. Don’t give up on yourself.

Your feelings will eventually catch up to your actions (there is an annoying delay!).

You clearly haven’t given up yet because you are still reading, so a part of you is still trying.

You are the most important thing there is.?

After all, without you, there is nothing?