What does abandonment anxiety have to do with the core conflict??

TL;DR: In NARM, the core conflict refers to the fear that showing our true, authentic selves will lead to rejection from our original attachment figures, a fear that can start in childhood due to early developmental trauma. This leads to disconnection from parts of ourselves, creating what we call abandonment anxiety. These disconnection strategies often continue into adulthood, even in small moments like struggling to speak up in certain situations. As we enter deeper relationships, this conflict will often intensify. However, awareness is the first step in healing this core conflict. By recognizing these patterns, we can bring space to our responses, and give ourselves the choice in how and when to show up authentically.

In NARM, one of the central themes we talk about is the core conflict that many children experience when exposed to early developmental trauma. Essentially the core conflict is the fear that if a child shows their true, authentic self, they will lose the love and attachment of their caregivers. And because losing the core attachment relationship is too threatening for any child–who’s wholly dependent on their caregivers for their survival–a child who faces the core conflict will choose their caregiver’s love or acceptance over their own authenticity every time.

As children, when we feel that our true selves aren’t welcome in our families—when we sense that we cannot fully belong as we are—our survival instinct kicks in. We learn to recognize which parts of ourselves are acceptable and which are unwelcome. Over time, we’ll disconnect from those rejected parts. This disconnection is a survival strategy that helps us avoid the pain of abandonment or rejection. Keeping these parts of ourselves disconnected so that we can keep the pain of rejection at bay is what we refer to as abandonment anxiety.?

Take a moment to consider something we’ve all experienced: the difficulty in speaking up when a situation is bothering us, like with a waiter in a restaurant or a clerk at a store. Even though no one expects us to form deep attachments to these people, many of us struggle to express dissatisfaction when the situation warrants it. Our core conflict can subtly resurface in these seemingly small moments, revealing how deeply abandonment anxiety has embedded itself into our behaviors and bodies.

As we move into more emotionally intimate relationships—whether with friends, family, or romantic partners—the core conflict of abandonment anxiety often becomes more pronounced. The deeper we care, the more sensitive we become to the parts of ourselves we've learned to disconnect from, fearing that if these parts were exposed, we will certainly be rejected. This sensitivity can sometimes even manifest as self-rejection, where we believe the parts of ourselves we once deemed unworthy of love are inherently “bad.”

We are not resigned to living inside of our abandonment anxiety for the rest of our lives, though. In NARM, a critical first step in healing from this core conflict is awareness. Bringing awareness around where, how, and why these patterns of disconnection surface in our adult lives can eventually help give us more space and choice in our participation in the patterns. Growing our awareness of these strategies is key to shifting them.

To learn more about connection, the core conflict, and abandonment anxiety, watch the NARM Inner Circle webinar clip here.