Never Be Tongue-Tied Again

Has someone recently said something that caught you off guard - and your mind went blank and you had no idea what to say?

If so, join the club.

It's ironic, isn't it? We're taught math, science and history in school, we're not taught what to say if someone says something unkind, unfair, or untrue.

Want good news?

Next time you feel tongue-tied, use Tongue Fu! to respond in the moment instead of thinking of the perfect response - on the way home.

Here's what to do if:

1. Someone accuses you of something untrue.

Imagine a client says, "All you care about is making money. I'm just another sale to you."

Whatever you do, don't deny their accusation or you'll end up debating it. If you protest, "That's not true," you're accusing them of lying. Instead, ask, "What do you mean?" to unroot the real issue so you can address that instead of reacting to their attack. They may say, "The only time I ever hear from you is when you want to renew our annual contract." Aahh, they feel like a number, not a name. Now, you have information you can act on. You can apologize for coming across as "all business," and warm up the relationship so they know you genuinely care. You can ask about their family or bring up that 10K they just ran in. You can offer to set up quarterly "check in calls" to make sure your products are producing desired results for them.

2. Someone makes a snarky remark.

A podcaster said to actress Amy Poehler, "I've heard you're a little bossy."

Instead of going on the defensive, Amy said, “I just love bossy women. It means somebody's passionate, engaged, ambitious, loves to lead.” Kudos to Amy for reframing what could have been taken as an insult into a compliment. Please understand, snarky remarks are designed to make you small so the other person can feel superior. Barbs don't work though if you take out their sting. Figure out what you're sensitive about, and come up with comebacks so people don't have the power to push your hot buttons. For example, a colleague with a strong personality was once called the B word (rhymes with witch.) Instead of getting upset, she smiled and said, "I've been called worse by better," and that was that.

3. Use Your Words, Not Theirs.

A reporter asked Olympian Michelle Kwan, "How does it feel to lose the gold?"

Michelle said, "I didn't lose the gold, I won the silver." When Simone Biles was asked how it felt to be the next Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps, she said, "I'm not the next Usain Bolt or Michael Phelps, I'm the next Simone Biles." The goal is to go on record for what you do want to be known for, instead of letting other people put words in your mouth and let their unwelcome characterization carry the day. For example, if someone asks, "Why are women so catty?" do not repeat the negative accusation because that reinforces it. Instead say, "You know what I've found? Women are real champions for each other."

4. Someone makes an extreme statement.

A coworker says, "Why are you getting so stressed out? You women are so emotional."

Paraphrase what they said as a question and emphasize the offensive word.?“Really? ALL women are emotional?” Repeating someone's over-statement is a way to point out that what they're is saying is an exaggeration. It holds them accountable for giving a specific, tangible example of what actually happened so they don't get away with tossing around sweeping generalizations. Extreme words produce extreme emotions. Next time someone uses never, always, everyone, no one, call them on it with, "Is that true? What is true?"

5. Someone hurts your feelings.

Remember Phoebe from the TV show Friends? One time she was complaining to Joey about something her brother did. After listening for awhile, Joey interrupts and asks, “Phoebe, have you told your brother how you feel?”

Phoebe pauses, then fesses up, “Yes, well... not out loud!”

Has someone made you sad or mad? Did you tell them exactly how you felt...in your head? That doesn't help.?People can't read your mind. Bring this to their attention, but instead of saying, "You really hurt me" which comes across as a counter-attack, say "I feel hurt. From now on, please speak to me with respect." Proposing what you do want vs. what you don't will help the person hear what you're saying because you're finding solutions, not fault.

6. Someone makes an offensive remark.

During a meeting, your boss says something racist.

Determine whether it's better to address this in public or in private. Calling someone out in front of others causes them to lose face. They'll resent you even if what you say is true. If others are watching, they may even feel compelled to escalate in an effort to put you down so they’re back “on top.” You might want to approach your boss later that day and ask, "Are you aware someone could file a grievance against you for saying something so inappropriate?”?Please note, it’s in your best interests to ask vs. accuse. Use objective words instead of inflammatory words like sexist, racist or bigoted. Even if what you say has merit, if you use subjective words, they come across as judgmental and argumentative.

Notice the trend here? These Tongue Fu! responses are all pattern-interrupts that help, instead of hurt, what happens next.

Next time you don't know what to say, use these tips. They'll help you respond instead of react so you can actually prevent a conflict and produce cooperation.

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Like this? Discover more Tongue Fu! tips in Sam's new book Talking on Eggshells