What to do if your child says “I want to die,” in the middle of a tantrum

When kids are upset and distressed, they often go negative and even make statements such as, “I want to die. I wish I wasn’t here anymore. I hate my life. I want to kill myself.” Hearing such statements is SO alarming for parents. It’s almost impossible not to assume the worst and often leaves parents shocked and unsure of how to handle the situation.?

Although alarming, when such statements are made in the context of a tantrum or emotional meltdown, kids are literally vomiting out all of their emotions. They are feeling an overwhelming amount of emotion, and they want it to stop. They are trying to communicate just how bad, how intense, and how strong those feelings are. These heightened emotions can be triggered from anything such as being told no, something not going as expected, having a “bad” day, or going through a difficult experience. In these scenarios, it is highly unlikely that children will act on those statements. That being said, parents still need to take the comments seriously, once in a calmer state.?

Validate their experience.

Use empathy to connect with your child and diffuse the emotions by validating their emotions and experience. It shows them you care, want to understand, and can work together to help them through the situation. What is the emotion that is underneath? Frustration, sadness, disappointment, overwhelm? Make your best guess and make a statement about the triggering situation and emotion. This can give children the words they don’t have in the moment.

You seem pretty overwhelmed right now.?

It’s really hard when things don’t go the way you expected.?

That must’ve been really tough. It makes sense why you’re feeling so bad and overwhelmed.?

Reflect back what they say or continue to reflect back the emotion. Follow that up with the idea that you are there for them and can figure it out when they are ready.

Let’s sit here for a minute. I’m here if you want to talk it through.?

Let’s take a minute, and then we’ll figure it out.

I’m here for you and ready to listen.?

Sometimes it requires sitting in silence and giving time for the emotion to calm before moving forward. The response to emotionally vomiting is brief, but the message that you’re trying to understand, you’re there for them, you can figure it out together is clear. Not talking can be very difficult, but sometimes silence truly is golden.?

Revisit and Be Curious

It’s common for parents’ anxiety to sky-rocket when they hear their kids making statements about wanting to die. However, you don’t want to transmit that anxiety and the subsequent need to fix it right away; otherwise, they may not want to share difficult emotions or situations with you. Check in with yourself, letting your focus be on supporting your child in the moment and engaging in your own self-calming strategies. Once you and your child are in a calmer state, you can revisit what they said about dying in a non-anxiety-provoking way.

When you were so upset, you mentioned wanting to die. I wanted to check in with you and see if that's something that you meant?

You mentioned wanting to kill yourself when you were upset, is that something you think about regularly?

Give Them an Alternative

If your child is indeed emotionally vomiting when making proclamations about dying, let them know those types of statements are very serious. Let them know you would, indeed, be devastated without them in your life. Help them reframe by acknowledging how awful their feelings can feel and it makes sense that they want them to stop. Brainstorm with them about what they can say instead. Have them practice saying it aloud and even write it down.?

I’m so mad!

I feel so overwhelmed right now.

I just want these feelings to go away.

I’m so sad.?

This is too much!

Help them find words to express their feelings in a better way.?

When to Be Concerned

It is more concerning if statements made about dying are in a calmer state or something that you hear repeatedly. In a calmer state, kids have more access to thinking parts of their brain Chances are that they may have been thinking about suicide, hurting themselves, or there is an ongoing challenge causing them emotional pain that needs to be addressed.?

You still approach the situation similarly. Validate their emotions. Let them know you are there to listen, they can tell you anything no matter what, and you can work through it together. Show empathy for the difficulty of carrying the emotion and the situation (even if you don’t agree). Let your children know how devastated you would be without them. Many clients report that knowing their family would be deeply impacted forever kept them from acting on an impulsive thought and urge. Once you’ve connected with them, further assess the severity of the suicidal ideation using questions from The Columbia Light House Project: Identify Risk. Prevent Suicide and decide the best course of action. If you feel your child is in imminent harm or are unsure, contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Text Line and they can walk you through different options or take your child to the ER or local mental health center/hospital for evaluation.?

If you ever have concerns about your child’s mental health and their behavior, don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist to gain support. So many children and families benefit from the support, learning new strategies to interrupt negative states and patterns, and discovering new coping skills that can have lifelong impacts.

For more information, check out the Suicide Resources page available at The Invisible Riptide and download The Invisible Riptide specially-adapted Discussion Guide for Suicidal Thoughts. The Q&A will help parents and adults working with children navigate talking through big emotions, emotional safety, finding a trusted adult, and dealing with feelings of suicide or wanting to die.

Written by The Invisible Riptide Team