What Do You Do When Other People Get Emotional?

Article written by WBECS Speaker Marcia Reynolds

When I teach leaders how to coach, someone always asks what to do if the person cries. Most participants say they would rather end the conversation than continue it. That would make the crying person feel worse.

Here are tips for what to do when emotions arise during difficult conversations:

1. Crying

Crying is a natural response when someone feels hurt, humiliated, sad, or disappointed. Crying could be a result of stress or a buildup of setbacks. Most people who tear up feel awful in that moment. Your discomfort will make them feel worse. As soon as you notice a tear, take a breath, release your tension, and be as comfortably quiet as you can. Give them breathing room. They will signal when they are ready to move on. If you have a tissue available, offer it. If the crying is uncontrollable - but only as a last resort if they can't stop - offer to reschedule the discussion. It is always better to give people a moment to recoup and move on than to make them feel wrong for crying.

2. Embarrassment

When people finally see that they have been acting in a way that has been harmful to themselves or others, they often embarrassed. Do not try to alleviate or soften the reaction. The realization of the impact of their behavior might be painful but it is a perfect time for them to learn and grow. Again, allow the reaction to happen. They might apologize or give excuses. When you sense a break in their talking, ask them to articulate what they have now discovered or learned. What insights do they now have? Help them see that this moment is perfect, that they now have a chance to create better results. Once they suggest what they are learning, ask what actions they would like to try now. Articulating learned lessons help people feel stronger.

3. Defensive Anger

Defensiveness is quick to spark but usually subsides if you don't fuel the fire. When you sense someone’s anger, you might get angry in return or you shut down and disengage. Of course, if you feel you are at risk of being harmed, you should find a way to remove yourself as soon as possible. If there is no risk, understand that anger could be a natural reaction to information they didn't want to hear. Nobody likes to be made wrong or feel judged. Whether they are mad at you or others, give them a moment to vent to release the steam. Then when they start to calm down, ask if they would be willing to look at other ways to approach the situation. Looking toward the future will give them a sense of control. If the anger doesn’t subside, you might ask for another meeting when the person can look at solutions with you.

4. Confusion or Fear

When you face these feelings, listen. Ask them what they fear and listen to their answers so you can discover what is holding them back. Do not tell them they shouldn't feel afraid; it is better to say that you would like to understand what's causing their fear so you can help them move forward with confidence. You might have to to encourage them to speak by asking a few questions that show you are curious and you care. Listening with curiosity, care, and compassion will create a safe space for them to open up. Most people want to be listened to and understood. Listening with compassion helps them build courage. Once they engage in the conversation with you, help them discover the roots of their emotions. What do they feel they have lost, or are afraid they will lose, based on the situation? Is the loss real or imagined? What do they need to help them take a step forward? What support might they need to maintain the momentum over time? The conversation will help clear away the fog of fear.

5. Resistance to Change

Using the previous suggestions, try to understand what they are disappointed about, afraid of, or angry about that is keeping them from accepting the change. Until you find out what is at the source of their emotions—what they feel is at stake when the change comes about—your words will have minimal effect. They might not know what is driving their behavior either. An open conversation in which you are curious and care about what people fear is going to happen can bring false assumptions to light, giving them more choices in how to act going forward.

Remember: Avoid judging people for their reactions. Believe that they can find their way forward if you have the chance to sort things out together.

Watch that you don't become angry or afraid during the conversation. See the person in front of you as doing his or her best with what he knows now, and can do better in the future. From this perspective, you have a chance at holding an amazing conversation that could surprise the both of you.

 To learn more...

Discover what the future of coaching looks like at the 11th Annual WBECS Pre-Summit! Join 40+ expert speakers and thought leaders, including Martin Seligman, Dorie Clark, Michael Bungay Stanier, Marcia Reynolds, David Clutterbuck, and many more - all FREE. Click HERE to see the full speaker lineup & secure your spot today.

During the free Pre-Summit, you’ll have access to world-class training over 17 days (June 1st-17th). Enjoy Keynote Presentations, Coaching Demonstrations, Implementation Mastery Sessions, Thought Leader Panel Discussions, and more.

The Pre-Summit is directly in line with the WBECS mission to raise the global standard of coaching by delivering outstanding value with the most impactful content in the industry.  

Register for the FREE Pre-Summit today and join a thriving global community of professional coaches.

Author: Dr. Marcia Reynolds is a Master Certified Coach who helps coaches and leaders make every conversation a difference-making experience. She has provided coaching and training in 43 countries and is on faculty for coaching schools in the US, China, Russia, and The Philippines. 

Her personal clients include leaders in multinational corporations, non-profit organizations, and government agencies. She is also the creator of the WBECS program, Breakthrough Coaching.

Marcia was the 5th global president of the International Coach Federation and recently inducted into ICF’s Circle of Distinction for her contributions to the global coaching community.

Excerpts from Marcia’s books, Outsmart Your Brain; The Discomfort Zone; and Wander Woman have appeared in business and psychological publications worldwide. Her latest international best-seller, Coach the Person, Not the Problem: A Guide to Using Reflective Inquiry, was released June 2020 to rave reviews by coaches and organizational leaders.

Marcia holds a doctorate in organizational psychology and 2 masters degrees in learning psychology and communications. She is passionate about how coaching contributes to making the world a better place for all.