What do you do when you lose your shit?
Kent Valentine
Director & London Office Leader at Oliver Wyman. Expert facilitator solving hard problems through design, collaboration and (serious) play. Chaotic good.
I don’t think I really lost my shit before I had kids.
I don’t know what I did when I got angry in my 20s; the weird thing is that I don’t remember even getting angry back then.
I guess it’s hard to be angry when you only have yourself to worry about and you’re young enough to still feel bulletproof.
But these days, getting so frustrated that I have to leave the room, feels like a regular occurrence.
And I simultaneously know why and don’t know why.
I know I get angry when my kids don’t do what they’re supposed to do.
But I don’t know why, after nearly 14 years of having kids, that I haven’t reset my expectations.
I know I have kids.
I know kids don’t do what they’re meant to.
And yet it still pisses me off to the point of yelling. To the point of losing my shit.
It’s not like I yell at anyone else who doesn’t do what I want. I don’t yell at strangers, or clients or colleagues. I don’t even yell at Putin (although I’m not responsible for getting him ready for school) but I yell at my kids.
And it’s not because I think it’s ok to yell at my kids. I don’t. Every time it happens I feel like I just failed the “good Dad test”.
I meant Bandit never yells at his kids on Bluey.
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I think there is probably something in here about acceptance. Accepting that things are the way they are and that pushing against the universe (or my kids) will only make it (or them) push back.
Probably something in here too about my idea of what my kids are “meant to do” and the fact that’s a fiction that lives in my head.
Perhaps it’s that I feel more responsible for my kids than my colleagues - that it reflects worse on me when they don’t do what I think is correct.
I would hate to think that the only reason I yell at my kids is because I’m worried that if they don’t do the right thing, people will think I’m a bad dad.
The worst part of that being that the yelling kids is far more likely to impact what people think of me than if my kids are 5 mins late for school.
I wish that I had a pithy wrap up to this one. But that would mean I know what the answer is and the fact is that I don’t.
I’m fairly sure part of the answer is just to chill out a little bit with both my expectations and my enforcement of them - but I don’t know what the other part is.
So I’m putting it out to you.
What do you do when you lose your shit?
Do you yell? If so, at whom? Why?
If not, how?
What am I missing here oh wise and leaned friends?
Lasting Fulfillment for Professionals, Remote Workers, and Entrepreneurs | IAPC&M Certified Coach.
1 年Are you perhaps being hard on yourself from every direction here Kent? Maybe you shout at your kids because it's your job as a parent to keep them alive, and if you can, give them the tools to flourish, but mainly, to just keep them alive. So perhaps partly the shouting isn't about what you think is "right" it's about what you think will serve them the best that just isn't landing. If that's the case, then perhaps you can try framing that message in a different way, that might land. Perhaps you can remind yourself that beneath the shouting, you love them, that you were oncd their age, and thought at their level, in their way, tap into that and see what creative answers that delivers. After all, you know your kids best. So try switching the focus onto their mindset, reducing the presence of your self-critique, a thinking pattern that too easily hijacks us, and notoriously stunts creative solutions for everyone.
Principal at Oliver Wyman
1 年Glad I’m not the only one! Haven’t solved it yet, but giving myself a brief time out and 7-11 breathing help.
Global Strategy & Growth
1 年The struggle is real! I hadn't clocked the comparison to my 20s though, which is super instructive. For me, I think the contributing factors are caring deeply about their long term outcome and extrapolating small issues today into big issues in their future. And sadly, it's being basically a dictator - as a parent you're really only constrained by yourself and that's tough when you get emotional. I always try to be too Profound (or whatever) but I've learnt a couple things that help me: 1) Patience isn't waiting. Patience is giving up control and being ok with that. 2) Shouting has given me a lot of opportunity to recognise the emotional impact I can have and practice apologising and explaining.
Chief People Officer FCIPD - Opencast - Skills and squiggly careers - People and social impact strategy = business strategy - BCorp - Ted Lasso fan
1 年Same here! One thing that has helped me a lot is that I have given myself permission to be late for school. I mean like 5 mins late. And you know what, no one has got mad at me. The interesting thing is that my son has just started to take more responsibility himself for understanding what time we need to leave and therefore the consequences of faffing about at the critical moment. So if the choice is being a little late or losing your shit. Just be late
Optimising Human Intelligence for an AI Integrated Future | Applied Organisational Neuroscience for Leadership, Decision-Making & Business Transformation | Brain Based Executive Coach | Speaker | Brainy Podcast | Author
1 年Hi Kent Valentine really valuable post. My kid is a grown up and I imagine when he has kids and is frustrated, tired and just wanting some peace and quiet, kids can be irritating worst than clients I’ve found, his upbringing will play a part in how he emotionally regulates. Good thing for you is we’ve all had to learn emotional regulation. Some days it shows up, some days the grumpster mindset stops in just, don’t be too hard hard on yourself, this is life ??