“What do you want for your birthday?”

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?”

A couple of weeks ago, my (maybe / possibly / unlabelled) Boyfriend asked me that question.?And for the first time in a long time, I was speechless for awhile.?

You see, the truth is, no one has ever asked me what I really want for the longest time. This man just penetrated the thickest wall that I built to resist pain with just that 7-word question. My mind started reflecting on all material things I owned and I answered, “You asked a woman who has everything; what she wants? Nothing.”?

However, the effect of that question had left me hanging for weeks.?This boyfriend* of mine seems to always have that effect on me - he makes my mind goes blank only to make me think again.

I asked myself over and over again. “What do I want? What do I really really want?” I was determined to find the answer before my birthday. Truth is, I do not know what I want. So, I retraced my life’s journey. I did the things I used to enjoy. I went to places that I made memories when I was younger. Not only that my body responded differently to these things, but my perspectives changed too. I don’t see those things as how I used to see them - instead, I rediscovered myself in a different point of view.

I am an introvert.?

However, the society and the nature of my work have created a different version of me - an extrovert in the eyes of others.

You see, I have been working since the age of 9. I was a child star back in 1995 ranging from TV commercials, children fashion runway model, magazine poster girl and as I grew older, I became an extra (stand-in actress) for local dramas until I was 15.

For 7 years of my growing-up life, I was shaped by standard requirements. The entertainment industry has moulded me to the way they want the public to see me - approachable, cheerful, smile for the camera, be entertaining. I tied contracts with various Astro projects when they first started their children and pre-teen entertainment segments and been invited to events which require a certain degree of ‘class’ - all while making sure my school work is completed before the next school day.

At the beginning, my personality was a creation of media experts at that time but slowly it became me, my personality, my character and along with my circle of friends. There was a very fine line in-between what is real and what is not. In addition to that; came society’s expectations on what is success? What University programme you should be taking? What jobs are of high-status? What education subjects could land you a future-proof job? The expectations are endless - so do the possibilities.

I am not complaining; I love what I’m doing now. But there are times I feel, “Is this really me or is this what others want me to be..?”

There were times that I need to cry through. I have been left battered and bruised in countless battles. I had my fair share of getting my heart shattered or ripped in two. I stumbled and crashed on the edge that I was so convinced that I was over. But I had to smile for everyone else. I am expected to maintain strong and composed. I have to be an example of how the eldest sibling, a young divorcee, a mother and a daughter should carry herself - I reassured myself that I have more blessings to count - and yes I do.

So today, I finally know what I want for my birthday. I want to be me at least for this one day. No expectations, no judgements, no standard requirements to follow, no haters, no lovers. Just the introverted me safe at a corner - alone but grateful and feeling blessed.?And this introverted me wants to be at her comfort while she could be surrounded by the one thing she loves the most - books.

Hello, library. It has been a long time. Do you miss me? Because my heart has longed for you - Pustaka Raja Tun Uda, Seksyen 13, Shah Alam.

Happy Birthday to me. The greatest gift this year is the ability to reflect on myself and rediscovered me.

What do YOU want for your birthday?

#emotional #wellness #empowerment #birthdays #personal #development #coaching #drsue #iamdrsue #drsuehere #self #love