What Do You Want Me to Say to Your Father?

What Do You Want Me to Say to Your Father?

10,000 hours. This is my best estimate of the time spent interviewing authors to write their books over the last twenty years. I have learned that memories age, but never die. I've learned that adulthood can never outweigh childhood, but there is something else I've learned that still mystifies me today.

A typical book process can take anywhere from 9 to 12 months of writing, editing, more editing and then editing some more. The process is not for the squeamish. Invariably, we stumble upon portions of a person's life they would rather not discuss. We open shut doors and give voice to silent pain.

Memories are dangerous. Wake up the wrong one and soon what a person thought was healed is actually still in need of healing. Memories are magical because they can also show us how far we have come since a life event occurred. I frequent in memories.

Writing cultivates a sober life. I use the word sober to be more benevolent than necessary. Writing is actually very painful. Painful because you are not only shaping the memories of your client, but in the process you are confronted with your own unresolved issues.

One cannot pen the dysfunction of another without a passing glance at your own. One cannot talk about the childhood sufferings of another without being reminded of adolescent sufferings in your own life. Writing hurts.

Whenever I conclude the first interview with a client on the very first day of our meeting, there is something I do, the results of which still mystifies me to this day. As we are packing our bags to leave, I stop the rustling and say the following to my client:

"Imagine this is our last session instead of our first. Imagine your book is done and I only have one last page to write, it is the Acknowledgments page. Tell me, what do you want me to say to your father?"

Upon asking this question, the following happens.

  • Client releases an audible sound signifying I am touching an emotional safe that was never to be opened
  • Client takes a deep breath
  • Client gives a brief, yet nervous smile
  • Client tears up with an adolescent countenance
  • Client stables their shaky voice and begins to provide an answer

I have asked this one question of the rich, the poor, men, women and young adults. I have presented this question to the simple and the erudite. Clients from Germany to Greece, Los Angeles to Tokyo, and what fascinates me is, no matter the race, language or socio-economic background, each person gives me the exact same response, in the exact same sequence without fail.

There is something about the father.

We have always understood the sacred nature of our mothers, but there is something about our relationships with Dad that, dare I say, reaches into an even deeper place. Let me say, also included in these interviews are clients who never met their fathers, clients whose fathers sexually abused them, and of course clients whose relationships with their fathers have been healthy. No matter the situation, the response is the same.

There is something about the father.

I do not claim to know the answer, but I have for all these years witnessed the power of the question. Whether you are writing your book yourself or having someone writing it, just know, the question is actually the answer. The proper question takes us down a path we would never have otherwise traveled.

I think about my own father, a wonderful man of wisdom, dad, pastor, and just an all-around great human being. Maybe I started to ask this question of others because no one has ever asked this question of me. I don't know, but I will say right now, Dad, I love you. Thank you for showing me what it means to live with meaning. That's what I want you to say to my father. What do you want to say to yours?

Dennis Ross

Specialty Ghostwriter to Family Offices | Preeminent Storyteller | Creator of "The Ross Story Path" Credited with Generating over $300M in Revenue | NY Times Bestselling Books |

1 年
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Abu Maiyaki

Strategy | Leadership | Transformation | Change | Culture

1 年

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