What Do You Want From Me?

If ever a question needed context, this is one of them.

Imagine seeing this on your email or text from someone – what would you feel? Dread, anger, frustration, confusion, or comfort, reassurance, relief?

It is about tone and situation, isn’t it? When it seems you can’t do anything right to please a partner or a manager, it’s frustrating. When you are down and out, it is a welcome offer answer to your pain.

Let’s think about where this all comes from: Expectations.

In business, there is a quick remedy – SWOT, right? Strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats. It means an assessment of the situation and how to deal with it. It really means a template of shared expectations: what do you need, when do you need, how will I best satisfy the need and why are we at this place at this time.

In a great column by Forbes writer Rachel Pacheco, she quotes business expert Marc Morgenstern as saying, “An expectation unarticulated is a disappointment guaranteed.” Bravo. Couldn’t have said it better. How can anyone’s wishes be met if they do not tell us exactly what they are, for better or for worse?

This might happen if a teacher tells students what they want but does not explain what that entails. “Write an essay on summer,” the teacher instructs. Okay, but what is the tone, how long should it be, what format should I use, do you want sources….? There is a lot to unpack for a student who may not have experience in essay writing in the first place.

I use this example about clarifying expectations for my communication students. My husband and I are sitting on the couch after a long workday. I ask him to take out the trash. He says he will. Twenty minutes later I give him a side glance,? which he catches. “What?” I roll my eyes. Ten minutes later, I do it again.

Why doesn’t he take out the trash, I am thinking. He is not a mind reader and is frustrated at my impatient manner. We are both unsettled. It is my fault.

“Please, get up right now and take out the kitchen trash,” is what I wanted and what I should have said. That leaves little to the imagination nor understanding. Of course he could counteroffer, but now he knows what the ask is all about.

Pacheco writes that explicit goals are key. Which means a clear direction and reason for the ask in the first place. Think about it. How much time would be saved and better spent if we said what we meant and needed others to clearly hear? A response could be perhaps more genuine and considered.

Joanne Williams is Associate Professor of Media Production and Communication at The University of Olivet.