What do you say when you talk to yourself?

Take a minute and think about what you’ve said to yourself today. Was it critical? Or was it kind and helpful? How did you feel after you had that chat with yourself?

We all talk to ourselves. If you just said: “No I don’t”, you actually do…we ALL do, so you’re not alone or a freak.

That is the good news. The bad news is that we often do not realize the kind of conversations we are having in our own heads.

Your thoughts are the source of your emotions and mood. The conversations you have with yourself can be destructive or beneficial. They influence how you feel about yourself and how you respond to events in your life.

Self-talk is something you do naturally throughout your waking hours. People are becoming more aware that positive self-talk is a powerful tool for increasing your self-confidence and curbing negative emotions. People who can master positive self-talk are thought to be more confident, motivated, and productive.

Although positive self-talk comes naturally to some, most people need to learn how to cultivate positive thoughts and disregard the negative ones.  A bit like spring cleaning inside your head. The only difference is that, especially when you start this practice, you will need to be very aware of what you say to yourself and do some tidying up every day. With practice, it can become more natural to think good thoughts rather than bad ones.

Positive self-talk is supportive and affirming and has huge health benefits. 

“I will complete this project today” is very different than: “There is so much to be done I don’t think I can finish it today”

Even just saying those things inside your head will have consequences, either good or bad, which is your choice…but you need to create an awareness of those conversations in the first place.

On the negative side of the coin, when you replay upsetting or cringe-worthy thoughts or events over and over again in your head will not help you in any way.  

I am not talking about figuring out a challenge you have, and you are looking for a solution, as thinking through a problem can be very useful. However, if you spend a lot of time thinking too deeply into a challenge, small issues tend to grow and sometimes snowball out of control. This can make you more likely to experience depression or anxiety.

The following statement show negative thoughts can grow and become self-defeating:

“I look overweight. I really am too fat. Just look at me. No wonder I can’t get a boyfriend. Why can’t I lose weight? It’s impossible.”

Researchers have found that it’s not just about what you say to yourself, it’s also the language that you use to say it.  It’s not just what you say but also how you say it….and the kind of words you use matters…a lot!

What’s the key? When practicing self-talk, don’t refer to yourself in the first person, such as “I” or “me.” Instead, refer to yourself in the third person, using “he” or “she,” or refer to yourself by name.

Even though many of you did not even think you talked to yourselves, it does not get more complicated, just because you now add a third person in that equation.

Brené Brown, an amazing author, speaker, professor, and TED talker, refers to the negative voices in her head as her gremlins. By giving her negative thoughts a name, she’s both stepping away from them and poking fun at them.

Using the third person in self-talk can help you step back and think more objectively about your response and emotions, whether you’re thinking about a past event or looking into the future. It can also help you reduce stress and anxiety.

How can you Get Started with this process?

1.    Listen and learn

Spend a few days listening closely to your inner dialogues. Are you supportive of yourself or are you critical or negative? Would you be comfortable saying those thoughts and words to a loved one? Are common threads or themes repeated? Write down important or frequent negative thoughts.

2.    Think it through

Ask yourself the following questions about each of the thoughts you’ve listed:

• Am I overreacting? Is it really that big of a deal? Is it important in the long run?
• Am I overgeneralizing? Am I coming to a conclusion based more on opinion or experience, than facts?
• Am I mind reading? Am I assuming others have specific beliefs or feel a certain way? Am I guessing how they’ll react?
• Am I labelling myself too harshly? Do you refer to yourself using words like “stupid,” “hopeless,” or “obese?”
• Is this an all-or-nothing thought? Am I viewing one incident as either good or bad without considering that the reality is rarely black or white? The answer usually lies in the grey area between the two.
• How truthful and accurate is this thought? Step way back and consider the accuracy of the thought as a friend might.

3.    Switch gears

Now that you have a better idea of how your inner thoughts are skewed, it’s time to switch gears and learn a new approach to self-talk. Look back at the thoughts on your list and reword them in a kinder, more positive light.

Example 1

• “What an idiot! I really screwed up that presentation. Well, that’s the end of my career.”
• Alternative: “I can do better than that. I’ll prepare and rehearse more next time. Maybe I’ll get some public speaking training. That would be good for my career.”

Example 2

• “I can’t do that in just one week. It’s impossible.”
• Alternative: “It’s a lot to do, but I’ll take it one step at a time. I think I’ll see if my friends can help, too.”

Example 3

• “How ridiculous! I can not teach myself how to think more positively.”
• Alternative: “Learning to think more positively can help me in many ways. I’m going to give it a shot.”

Banishing your inner critic and learning how to have productive, positive inner conversations has no downside. Some may find it easier than others to adopt positive self-talk. Others may have to give it more time and put more effort into it. Either way, it’s a worthwhile step toward bettering yourself and improving your sense of self-worth.

I already talked into the power of the mind and what can happen when we become more aware of the ways in which we can improve our lives. This is part of that powerful process and, when mastered, will definitely be most beneficial to your health and well-being.

There is a great Book on this subject: What you say when you talk to yourself – Chad Helmstetter

Here is the link to my Self-Care video about this subjects: https://youtu.be/JPLdm2ZSIAA

Jan Robberts