What Do You REALLY Want?

"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for." - Maureen Dowd

Have you been reasonable and responsible for so long, you habitually give up what you really want to do? What toll is settling taking on your quality of life?

I understand many people have just had a devastating year as a result of Covid19. They've lost loved ones, lost their job and lost their business.

So, please read this post, that I wrote several years ago, in context.

I know how fortunate I was to have the luxury to travel the country to interview people for my SOMEDAY is Not a Day in the Week book. And I'm not suggesting heading off for an adventure like that is an option for many people dealing with the hard realities of life.

The core idea of this post still pertains. If we're not clear what we want, and if we don't ask for it, it's not going to happen. Dreaming costs nothing. Not dreaming costs everything.

So while you read this, please be thinking, "What do I really want?" Go ahead and get crystal clear what that is - even if it seems unrealistic or unreachable. Then ask for it.

As Tupak Shakur said, "Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real."

Dreams are what transforms reality into more of what we want it to be.

What does that look like for you?

I was headed to Los Angeles to work with some consulting clients. As I scrolled through the hotel options on Expedia, I noticed a deep discount on the Jamaican Inn in Marina Del Ray, only ten minutes from LAX.

Let's see. A box hotel by the airport or a boutique hotel on the water for the same price? What shall I do, what shall I do? Suffice it to say I went with the more innovative option.

While checking in, the front desk clerk asked, "Where you from?"

"I'm in the middle of my Year by the Water."

"What's that?"

She was so intrigued with my adventure, she spontaneously upgraded me to a waterfront suite. I walked into the magnificent room and straight out onto the balcony. It was golden hour, that magical time of day right before the sun sets. I looked out at the palm trees and the boats, breathed in the sea air and marveled at the pelicans doing majestic fly-bys. 

In the middle of my reverie, a friend called for our monthly checkin. Glenna could tell from my voice how happy I was and asked, "What's going on?" I told her how much I loved being in this stunning room with its thrilling view of the marina.

Glenna was puzzled. She said, “Sam, you’re on your Year by the Water. Don’t you normally stay on the water?”

I told her I was on a budget and often opted for less expensive back-of-the-property rooms instead of the higher-priced rooms with a view. She paused, then said, “Wouldn’t you rather spend six months overlooking the water than twelve months overlooking the parking lot?”

Yes I would, Glenna. Yes I would.

Think of this as a metaphor. It isn't just about which hotel room we select.

The essence of Glenna's insight was, "Have we been sensible and emotionally and fiscally frugal for so long, we no longer even ask for what we want? Are we settling for parking lots when waterfront rooms are what we really want?"

I understand the importance of being responsible, realistic and reasonable. Yet many of us are doing this to a fault. We have become so accustomed to compromising what we want and settling for less, it has become our default.

Many of the people I met on my travels told me it's been so long since they've had the freedom to do what they want, they no longer know what that is.

How about you? Have you been sacrificing yourself and putting everyone else first for so long, you've forgotten what it feels like to do what you want - even for an hour or two?

At some level, do you think you can't afford to do what you want?

Janis Joplin said, "We are what we settle for." What are you settling for?

Granted, as leaders, parents and partners, we need to put other people's needs first most of the time. However, doing that all the time is a prescription for burnout.

Doing what puts the light on in our eyes - once in a while - is a gift that keeps on giving.

I can hardly describe how happy it makes me to be in, on and around water. It makes my soul sing and my mind soar. It set up a happiness ripple effect that positively affects me, and everyone around me, for days.

What does that for you? What sets up a happiness ripple effect? What is something you do that has a long-tail of positive impact?

One way to overcome a "settle default" and tap back into buried, compromised or sacrificed wants, needs and dreams is to ask yourself:

* What if I could play hooky for an afternoon?

* What would I do, where would I go, if there were no repercussions and all my responsibilities would be taken care of?

* What would I do if I didn't have to be sensible, if I didn't have to settle?

* What would I do if I could afford it?

The answer(s) to those questions can reveal something that would lift your spirits and give you something joyful to look forward to.

Life isn’t supposed to be a drudge. Doing something that brings us joy isn’t indulgent, it’s inspiring.

 I am not suggesting we can - or should - do what we want ALL the time. We continue to take care of, and be financially and emotionally responsible to, the people counting on us.

Yet we also take care of ourselves. And that means doing what makes our soul sing and our mind soar every once a week – without apology or guilt. 

That means getting in, on or around water (or your version of that) instead of giving up what you really want and settling for the parking lot, day in and day out. 

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Sam Horn is the CEO of the Intrigue Agency. Her 3 TEDx talks and 9 books have been featured in NY Times, on NPR, and taught to NASA, Intel, Boeing, YPO, Accenture. Want daily quotes and prompts to help you lead a life that keeps the light on in your eyes? Check out Sam's SOMEDAY is ?Not a Day in the Week journal.