What do you need to ask for?
Sue Rosen, FCA, PCC
Empowering CFOs to cultivate their executive presence and build leadership impact | Finance leadership development | Keynote Speaker | Facilitator
Where are you harbouring resentment? And what is that doing to you? And those around you?
One of my clients (let’s call her Jane) was recently expressing how pissed off she gets when she sees other people in her office leaving early (read: on-time!), or ‘slacking off’. This riles her up and leaves her with a nasty taste in her mouth, wanting to say something super brutal to the other person but with a strong sense of wanting to be liked, she doesn’t say it.
And then I read the chapter in Brene Brown’s new book Atlas of the Heart on ‘Places we go when we compare’ and Boom! A key new learning opened up, which I can’t wait to share with Jane:
Resentment is part of the envy family of emotions, not the anger family, which means this emotion is stirred up because the other person has something I don’t have – usually related to perceived unfairness or injustice.
So the most helpful way to address the resentment is ask:
Where are my needs not being met? What do I need but am afraid to ask for?
Which brings us to clarity around expectations and boundaries. Jane is working long hours, she is tired, and she is afraid to take time off in case she is seen as not good enough to do the role. What she needs is additional resources and a break from work but do the people she works with know this? Who else could help her?
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All too often we are imposing our own limitations on ourselves based on old assumptions and beliefs about how we think people (both ourselves and others) ‘should’ behave. If we can get clear on what we need and learn to ask for it, as well as reconciling ourselves to the fact that we can’t control what other people think, feel or do, then we will be able to let go of the simmering resentment.
All too often we think our resentment is contained and no one else will see it but I assure you it is leaking in out in some form of irritability or crankiness, and of course no one will really know why!
So what do you need to ask for?
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with love,
Sue