What do you do if a family member is toxic? Here's what I did...
Lou Feltham Smith
From Survivor to Mentor: Helping Women Reclaim Their Power & Create Their Dream Life After Domestic Abuse | Speaker | Advocate
Shortly after my healing journey began, with the help of Domestic Abuse Counselling, I was able to identify that my only sibling, my Brother, is also a Narcissist. I started to realise that I had been conditioned to accept abuse as normal long before I ever met my ex husband. It's been rampant in our family for years. One of my Mum's brothers' also being one. Research into Domestic Abuse and Narcissism gave me the power to spot a Narcissist a mile off. I know the patterns. I know the covert (and sometimes not so covert) behaviours. I know the signs and red flags.
Part of my Domestic Abuse journey saw me make the decision for my own mental health and well-being to completely block my brother from my life (despite him living 5 minutes away from me at the time). I blocked him and everyone who knows him (including "friends" of mine who I can't or don't trust) on every Social Media platform and on my phone after receiving too many abusive drunk phone calls and text messages late at night that were threatening my ability to heal.
I always made excuses for my Brother for the sake of our parents. I let him get away with too much over the years. Much like my relationship with my ex-Husband, I kept it inside for fear of worrying them. I should have done something to stop it years ago but I didn't realise the choice was in my hands all along. I wasn't strong enough then.
"That's just the way he is" is NOT acceptable and gives the power to the Narcissist to continue their behaviour without accountability. It enables them to continue the abuse. For my own sake and that of my children, I choose not to accept it and I have taken steps to remove all toxic people from my life, including my Brother. At first I was sad and hoped one day we would have a functioning relationship again like when we were younger, but I realise now, that will never happen. He will never change and I will no longer accept it.
My parents were forced to make a choice too and they chose to have both of their children in their lives, which means that special occasions are spent split between my family and my Brothers'. Although my Mum is understanding, my Dad doesn't get it. He does not recognise the behaviours like I do (or chooses to ignore them perhaps), despite supporting me through a Domestic Violence Hearing with my ex-Husband.
This week I found out that my Brother is making plans to build a house only a few hundred meters from my new house, where I came to seek a fresh start with our new combined growing family. My Dad likes to keep me updated on my Brothers' life (and I'm sure vice versa) but what he doesn't realise is that my Brother is one of my triggers and yesterday it was too much. After my Dad dropped the bombshell and left, I experienced my first Panic Attack in a long time. For me Panic Attacks are uncontrollable crying, racing thoughts, increase in heart rate, fast speech, hyperventilation, feelings of dread, helplessness and loss of control.
My initial intention with this post was to get this all out and share it with others who I know will understand and to educate those who don't yet understand, but I realise now that this is the perfect way to communicate to my parents exactly the effect this has had and still has on me.
Trauma is real and the only way we can get through that trauma is to recognise it, embrace those feelings (even if they are unpleasant) and then move forwards. Sitting with those feelings for too long is not helpful. It's scary to be honest and raw, especially with the people you are closest to but it's also empowering and validating. Whether they believe it or not, it's my truth and speaking it is more for my benefit than anyone else's.
I've always been a bit of a black sheep in our family and I'm ok with that.
If you're worried by certain behaviours displayed by family (partner, husband, siblings, parents), please reach out. I will happily put you on the right path to identifying the behaviours, educating and empowering you to move forward with a toxic free life.
Your gut instinct is never wrong. Trust yourself.