What do you do again?

I went into a coffee shop the other day. It was a new ‘funky’ place in the city. You know the ones, where they insist on having every light fitting with a different type, and brightness, of element bulb just to irritate those of us susceptible to migraines, the wall is covered with wood cladding made out of old pallets and the counter is a mix of concrete, metal, plastic, rust, tiles and…that’s right…more pallets.

I wanted a coffee after a long day. The menu above the counter-made-out-of-every-material-on-the-planet was in the form of a chalk board. It was covered with impressive artistry, a motivational statement and a long list of coffees on sale, all written in very neat handwriting. But the word coffee wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Mocha chocca woo wah cinnamon spiced oat milk frappuchino, or maybe a Cappulatte vanilla vegan chicken lactose-free dolce chia au lait? I just want a coffee. Hot water filtered through ground coffee beans and some milk. A coffee.

Restaurant menus are worse. Every meal has to have some quirky pretentious adjective or tenuous descriptive element included within the menu listing. ‘Line caught gill-bearing aquatic craniate with tuberosum russet root vegetables in a creamy ungulates broth’. Fish, chips and gravy. Just say Fish, chips and gravy. If you want to jazz-it-up to make it sound inviting then go with ‘Really nice fish, chips and gravy’.

Linked in job titles are steadily becoming stiff competition to the food and beverage menu when it comes to quirky job titles. ‘Do you not like change Simon?’. I love change so much. I have a short attention span and without change I would be purgatory but the change to job title trends is spinning me out.

I saw a former colleague on Linked in pop up recently. When I last worked with them, they were a very very effective Call Centre Leader. I was delighted to see they had a new job. I took a look at their profiles and their job title was now ‘I help customers get what they want, when they want it’. Ey? I DM’d them to say well done on the new job and asked about the new role. “I’m running our offshore call centre”. Fab news but why the need for a cryptic job title?

And everyone seems to be an Intrapreneur. What exactly does that mean? My research suggests an intrapreneur is someone who tends to have worked in a large organization for a while and sees themselves as someone who likes to come up with ideas. Cool with me if that’s a thing now but does that make my Dad an intrapreneur too. He’s been a vicar in the Church of England for 27 years and recently changed his church service to drop one of the hymns and replace it with a thought for the day. I can see the updated notice board outside his church now….Priest in Charge: The Reverend Intrapreneur Perkins. Or Maybe ‘I help people secure their place in paradise’.

Then you have the Linked In massive who can’t decide what they are. My favourite recently was a chap whose job title was shown as ‘Operations Expert. Culture Specialist. Customer Evangelist. Philanthropist.’ So basically an amazing, well-balanced, kind person who can pretty much do anything. It would be far easier to just write ‘I am mint. Hire me’.

I get that Job Titles can mean an awful lot to folks. People are rightly proud when they land a Manager, or Leader or Director role or when they secure a job doing something that they really love. But can we keep job titles short and in some-way relatable? If you are great at sales, then maybe go with ‘Sales Expert’ rather than ‘I help businesses connect with the populous in order to drive meaningful value for all whilst enjoying a share of the aforementioned value’. And those with ‘Chief’ in their title. If we all agree that Chief is not the best word then going with something  like ‘Chief Excitement Officer’ just makes it worse.

I am looking in the mirror as a I write this too. I once described my role as ‘Building something brilliant’. Turns out it wasn’t that brilliant, so lesson learned. In your face Perko.

I think we need to get a grip of this before it starts effecting our children. I can hear it now. 10 years from now the geography teacher will be calling out the register; "ok, lets see who we have today. Do we have 'I am good at playing the recorder and show some potential at raquet sports’? "Here Miss". "Great. Do we have ‘I make my parents proud and my grandparents smile’? "Here Miss". All whilst she takes a sip on her cup of ripe roasted aromatic berry juice. Aka, a coffee.

Just a bit of fun.

Stay safe everyone. Wishing you and your families a restful and enjoyable Christmas.