What To Do About Work When a Loved One Dies

The unimaginable has happened. A loved one has passed and you now need to use bereavement leave. But how do you even begin the process and why does it vary from company to company? We spoke with three grief and loss experts, discussing how best to begin to navigate the loss of a loved one, specifically regarding work.?

By Mariah Flores

No amount of preparation can truly equip you for when a loved one dies, but knowing some general steps to take can prove helpful.

The world seemingly comes to a halt when a death or loss of a loved one occurs. It can be hard to know what needs to be done while grieving. You may need to handle funeral arrangements, contact family and friends or set up travel arrangements.

The list of things to do is daunting and time-consuming, and when you finally have a moment to breathe, a sudden thought occurs:?

“What am I supposed to do about work?”?

If you’re anything like me (and most other working professionals), you probably gave your company’s employee handbook a thorough perusal during your first day.?

Decent PTO policy? Check.

Company’s mission statement aligns with your values? 100 percent.

Bereavement leave? Wait.?

A policy many of us hope to never have to navigate at work, but still incredibly necessary for when a loss does occur.

It’s also a major topic of discussion as employees seek out more equitable and compassionate leave policies. Everyone handles grief differently, on an unpredictable timeline. Taking time away from work to navigate such a difficult life, for however long you need to, shouldn’t be up for debate. However, that’s not always the case.?

But what exactly is bereavement leave and how do you go about requesting its use when a loved one dies??

What Is Bereavement Leave?

BetterUp defines bereavement leave as “time off granted to an employee in the event that a loved one passes away. The intention is to allow for employees to grieve, attend funeral services or a memorial, or deal with financial and legal matters that may come up after death.”

Most companies offer a standard bereavement leave policy anywhere between three to seven days of bereavement leave. That number, however, does vary, depending on where you work.?

“Typically, organizations offer three to five paid days away from work, starting the day after the loss, for employees who have lost immediate family, as well as allow them to use vacation days and PTO to extend the leave to up to two weeks,” according to Payscale .

Knowing who counts as immediate family is another important step when a death occurs and you need to take time from work. We’ll cover that shortly.

What if you lose a close friend or extended family member? Some organizations’ paid bereavement will only allow for one day away from work, with the ability to use some vacation days, PTO or even unpaid leave to extend the break.?

That being said, each loss may require a different amount of time, in regards to leave. We all grieve in vastly unique ways, so employers need to recognize that the loss of a loved one should be handled with empathy and flexibility.

Who Is Considered Immediate Family for Bereavement Leave?

Currently, no federal laws require employers to specifically provide bereavement leave to their employees, so “immediate family” can be defined differently depending on the company or organization. Oregon is the only U.S. state to mandate bereavement leave.?

Typically when a loved one passes away, they’ll fall into the “immediate family” category if they’re:?

• A spouse
• Parent (biological, adoptive, foster, in-law, step, domestic partner’s parent, loco parentis)
• Child (biological, adopted, foster, step, child of domestic partner)
• Siblings
• Grandparent(s)
• Grandchildren
• Domestic partners

Other loved ones that may be covered by bereavement policies include: aunts, uncles, in-laws, nieces, nephews and cousins. Again, it depends on your organization’s specific definition of “immediate family”, so going to human resources (HR) may be necessary.?

Bereaved Employees Deserve Compassion, Grace and Flexibility?

You cannot expect a bereaved employee to return to work three days after a loved one passes and be right back to normal. Grief basically rewires and changes how our brain works.?

I spoke with Nyasha Grayman-Simpson, Ph.D ., a grief & stress therapist for Black women about navigating such sensitive life occurrences within the workplace.?

“Keeping in mind that individual experiences of grief are as unique as fingerprints, and workplaces are varied, decisions around how to navigate work while grieving can be quite complicated,” she says.?

First and foremost, knowing your company's bereavement policy is key.?

It’s something that Laura Madaio , global channel marketing manager at Yamaha and founder of Grief Hungry , discovered firsthand when her father was killed in a freak accident. She has spoken quite openly since her family’s tragic loss about the importance of realistic, generous and progressive bereavement leave policies, including in an article by The Wall Street Journal .

Employees

Madaio hopes that bereaved employees feel a strong enough relationship with their manager to reach out to them directly once they learn of a loved one’s passing.?

If you don’t feel comfortable or perhaps want some clarification on your company’s bereavement policy, contact HR before asking your manager for time off.?

Madaio advises you take the following steps at work when a loved one dies:?

1. Go to your manager directly (if you know the bereavement leave policy) AND send an email — it’s best to put everything in writing.
2. Reach out to HR, if you don’t know the bereavement policy, then email your manager.
3. HR outsourced? Consider looking up your employee handbook/policies if they’re located on an ADP or Workforce type platform.

And finally, as hard as it may be, ask for flexibility or more time, if that’s what you need.?

“I think, unfortunately, what so many of us, myself included, have learned over the last couple of years is bereavement leave policies are not strong,” Madaio says. “Traditionally, bereavement leave is one to three days … regardless of the relationship at times, or sometimes given certain adjustments because of the relationship, if it's next of kin or whatever.”

Again, three days is not enough time to completely grieve, cope, heal and begin to come to terms with your family’s new normal.?

Employers

Death and loss are devastating experiences for bereaved employees. There is no one way to cope or grieve.?

As employers, you are in a position of support and should treat every bereavement leave request on a case-by-case basis. By doing so, you allow bereaved employees a safe space and chance to express just how impactful and meaningful the loved one’s loss is, whether they’re talking to HR or a direct supervisor.?

Consider updating your bereavement policy to read more as a set of guidelines, allowing much needed time and room to properly grieve before returning to “normal” work.

Grayman-Simpson says, “The compassionate supervisor would offer support without being asked; minimally, in the form of a more flexible work schedule that included time for open-ended weekly counseling .”

Flexibility is the best way to address bereavement and loss. Your employees, both current and future, will appreciate it.?

“In short, under the best of circumstances, the workplace is grief literate and compassionate, and the bereaved employee doesn't have to further tax their poor grief brain trying to solve yet another problem,” she adds.?

And remember, loss is profound, so don’t expect your bereaved employees to have all the answers or even be in the proper headspace to give concrete details.

Madaio wants employers to know that managing grief and loss is a case-by-case situation. An employee who’s grieving after a tragic event shouldn’t be responsible for figuring out what all makes sense for them, in terms of bereavement leave.?

“I think the worst thing an employer can do is say, ‘Well, how much time do you think you need?’ There should be no gray area at that point,” she says. “I can say from my own experience, you have no idea how much time that you need.”

“You don't know how to answer those questions. You're not really thinking clearly.”

The Society of Human Resources and Management (SHRM) offers tips to help companies better support employees through grief and loss. It may also be time to reevaluate other company benefits.?

Recognizing Ambiguous Grief

Losing a loved one doesn’t always involve physical death.?

Just as the ways to grief are all diverse, so are the types of grief . People experience it all, from complicated grief and abbreviated grief to delayed grief and normal grief.?

A particularly tough form of grief that affects many people is ambiguous grief.?

Author, curator and experiential expert in ambiguous grief Stephanie Sarazin says that grieving the loss of a loved one who is still living can be just as painful as if that person had died a physical death.

She defines ambiguous grief, providing some useful examples.

“Ambiguous grief is the experience of grieving the loss of a loved one still living, though not as they once were, due to a change or break in the relationship. Because our loved one hasn’t died a physical death, and there are no societal markers or defined rituals or ceremonies (eg. a eulogy at a funeral) the process of grieving is often an ambiguous one,’ says Sarazin.?

“This grief may be activated by events such as divorce, addiction, Alzheimer’s Disease and other forms of dementia and cognitive decline, a medical diagnosis, mental illness, familial estrangement, gender identification, incarceration and indoctrination, such as to a cult or gang.”?

This ambiguous grief lacks closure and can certainly impact a person’s career or work. Unfortunately, ambiguous loss is not recognized in the same way as if the loss of a loved one to a physical death.

While you aren’t able to use bereavement leave, there are still many ways Sarazin recommends we navigate and recognize ambiguous grief within the workplace.

Communication is key, so be honest with your employer, HR and, if necessary, coworkers. Talking about ambiguous grief with others at work can lead to you being provided with flexible or alternative work conditions, time off, support resources and other accommodations available to you that you may not be aware of.?

“Only as we talk more about it will this kind of grief be more broadly recognized, better understood, and hopefully, that will ultimately help make our grieving process less ambiguous,” advises Sarazin.

Top Takeaways?

Losing a loved one is never easy and work is usually the last thing on our mind. Here’s what you should know:?

• Your employee handbook may outline a bereavement leave policy (though not required by federal law).
• Typically, employees are given anywhere between three to seven paid leave days when an immediate family member passes away.
• Communication goes a long way (applies to employers and employees), so be open and try to make room for flexibility.
• Grief comes in many forms and deserves to be acknowledged, even in the workplace.?