What to do when you’re your own worst critic

Not long ago, I stuffed up. Again. I suddenly realised I was supposed to be at a meeting in 10 minutes’ time, and it would take me 15 minutes to get there. I was confused, because I thought the meeting was scheduled for next week, but I checked my messages and it really was meant to be today, not next Wednesday.

I sent a message to apologise that I was going to be five minutes late and flapped around the house grabbing my bag and my coat.

As I put my shoes on at the door, I checked my phone one more time, and saw a message from the person I was going to meet.

The message said, “I’m actually on the way to the airport to drop off my daughter; I thought we had pushed back to next Wednesday?”

I felt relieved, but I also felt like a total idiot. This was someone I wanted to meet not only because she could give me some good advice about my business, but also because I thought maybe we could be friends.

My first thought was that now she would think I was disorganised and hopeless.

“You always do this,” I said to myself. And it’s true. I’m always overscheduling myself, getting in a flap about my calendar, running perpetually late for everything – and then telling myself that I’m an idiot, I’m disorganised, I’m hopeless, and everyone is judging me for it.

Has this ever happened to you?

??Understanding our ego

Our ego often drives us to strive for perfection, influenced by cultural norms and societal expectations. We want to be successful, clever, fit – basically perfect. But when we inevitably fall short, we're our own harshest critics.

??Learned helplessness

Interestingly, this self-criticism can lead to what psychologists call 'learned helplessness'. It's a state where we stop trying because we believe nothing we do will make a difference. It's not just a Western phenomenon; it happens globally, although self-compassion tends to be higher in cultures influenced by Buddhist teachings.

??What’s the alternative?

The alternative to constant self-judgement is self-compassion. It means accepting ourselves with an open heart, treating ourselves with kindness, just as we would a friend in distress.

??Self-compassion is NOT self-pity or self-indulgence

It’s important to understand that self-compassion isn't about feeling sorry for ourselves or indulging our every whim. It's about recognising that suffering is part of the human experience and that we're not alone in our struggles.

???The benefits

Research shows that self-compassion is linked to less anxiety, depression, and a greater sense of satisfaction with life. It improves our emotional intelligence and can even help us navigate through challenges like PTSD, impostor phenomenon, and addiction. Instead of getting caught in the swamps of sadness, self-compassion helps us to learn from our challenges, move beyond them, and live happy and fulfilling lives.

Developing self-compassion

To cultivate self-compassion, focus on three key elements: self-kindness, humanity, and mindfulness.

1.?????? Self-kindness. Replace those critical inner voices with more supportive and understanding ones. Speak to yourself as you would to a dear friend.

2.?????? Common humanity: Remember, you're not alone in your mistakes or suffering. Every single one of us has done things we’re not proud of. Every single one of us has experienced pain, loss, and grief.

3.?????? Mindfulness: Practising mindfulness helps us become aware of our self-critical thoughts and feelings, allowing us to approach them with more kindness.

Here is a mantra that I’ve borrowed from Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff, Ph.D. , who is the foremost researcher in self-compassion. The mantra goes like this.

-????????? This is a moment of suffering.

-????????? Suffering is part of life.

-????????? May I be kind to myself in this moment.

-????????? May I give myself the compassion I need.

In our fast-paced world, where it's easy to be hard on ourselves, remember that self-compassion is not a luxury but a necessity. It's what helps us to be resilient, to learn from our mistakes, and to grow.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences with self-compassion. Do you find it easy to be kind to yourself? Share in the comments below.

#SelfCompassion #Mindfulness #MentalHealthAwareness #PersonalGrowth #SelfCare #Resilience #EmotionalIntelligence #LeadershipDevelopment #MindfulLiving #WorkLifeBalance

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