What To Do When You F**k Up

First off I really want to apologise for my use of a four letter expletive in this week’s article. It’s not the normal type of language I would use and certainly those who know me would testify to that. But as I was trying to think about the best title for this week’s article I was struggling to capture my mood. What to do when you make a mistake; what to do when you do something wrong; what to do when things don’t go your way; and so on. None of them had the same impact for me as using the word that comes to mind when you really have fucked up. So I’m going with it and will ask for forgiveness later.

Now this wasn’t meant to be the topic of this week’s article at all. In fact I wanted to write about the importance of achieving those goals that you’ve been putting off for years. When you realise that you have the power and control over your own life, my article was going to spur you into action to pick up an old hobby again, take up a new activity or sign up to a course to develop new skills aligned to your passions: sport, art , food, design, music, drama, history, languages etc. But it didn’t work out as planned.

It all started yesterday morning when my car wouldn’t start. The battery was dead. After getting the car jump started I was advised to take the car to the garage and replace the battery. It was due to be changed. Like most of us, I agreed that I must do that, but never got around to it. My day was jam packed with client related work and they were my priority. This morning I tried to start the engine again, and as you’ve probably guessed, it wouldn’t start. I had to jump start it again and was very strongly advised to take it to the garage immediately to replace the battery. I was due to meet members from my coaching alumni outside of Dublin later today. The fear was that while I might make it there, I may not make it back. Sound advice so I took the car to the garage before 9am.

The other issue, and in my world, the most important thing in my day today, was my first ever piano grading exam. I wanted to learn piano as a little girl but was sent by my parents to guitar lessons. Not sure of the logic here but perhaps from my parent’s perspective it was a far more cost efficient outlay than having to buy a piano and pay for weekly tuition. Last year, with the help of my personal coach, I owned up to this burning ambition and within a few months I purchased a piano and started attending lessons. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. Today was my day to shine. I practice every day because I love it and today was a significant milestone on this personal journey. While I developed my practical skills I also worked on my mind game. I wasn’t leaving anything to chance. I imagined the whole experience from start to finish. I created a deep connection with the feelings I would experience during my exam: calmness, confidence and joy. I knew my pieces of music, scales and all the theory really well. I saw a positive outcome where I walked away with a huge smile on my face with a feeling of pride and happiness. I had absolute confidence in my ability as I’d put in the work. Needless to say this isn’t what happened.

I sat in the garage waiting for the mechanic to change my battery, and while he was at it I asked him to replace two tyres. By 9.30 he and I were standing under my car assessing a serious crack under the front chassis. He wouldn’t let me remove the car until it was fixed. If I hit a pothole or something knocked against the wheel, he said, the crack would open and the car would split apart. An accident could prove fatal. I had absolutely no choice but to leave the car behind and have it repaired. This not only left me in total shock but also left me running (literally) to my piano exam with only minutes to spare.

I walked into the music school totally frazzled. I hadn’t envisioned this being the start to my music exam. This wasn’t looking good. I started to feel uneasy and worried. This was not going to plan. When I sat at the piano and opened up my music pieces and prayed that I would get through it I knew something was wrong. Why was I asking for external help from the Gods? I slowly started to panic. I knew I wasn’t in my zone and I certainly wasn’t experiencing any sensations of ‘flow’. And so the exam began, and as every minute passed I got progressively worse. In fact, if my music teacher had instructed me to play the worst piano that I possibly could, I wouldn’t have been this bad. It was a complete disaster. I was playing keys on the piano that my finger tips had never even touched before. I was all over the place. But I had to keep going. I couldn’t stop. And when the whole incident was finally over and I left the room I was already welling up in tears before I reached the front door. The next, much younger, student was arriving for her exam and I didn’t want her to see me cry. And as bad as all of this was, I now had to face the long walk of shame home to my house. I didn’t have my car! I walked and cried for 30 minutes. My heart was shattered into tiny pieces, my tears where coming from such a deep place inside that the only time I’ve experienced such sadness was when I lost my father to cancer. This is how much this exam meant to me. I was devastated.

And it didn’t stop there. When I arrived home I kept on crying. I was so upset and annoyed with myself. As much as I had prepared I didn’t bring my A game. I was bitterly disappointed at my performance. I dread seeing my teacher next week when I have to replay the sorry experience to him. Not that he’ll be disappointed or annoyed, but because he’ll be upset for me. He knows how much this means to me. I wasn’t as good as I knew I could be.

So why did I decide to write this article? Well I’m 100% sure that someone today has also f**ked up or else someone on their team has. How are you treating yourself or your team member in the aftermath of it? Are you being kind and loving and more importantly forgiving? Or are you being a raging tyrant and making the outcome from the situation worse than it needs to be. I’m human, you’re human and we make mistakes. It’s awful when things don’t go to plan especially when we’ve prepared for so long and put in the hard work and effort. But unfortunately it happens. The question is how do we bounce back?

So What Do You Do When You F**k Up ?

1. Acknowledge that it sucks and that you feel shattered inside. Accept what’s happened and let all that emotion of sadness, anger and disappointment have a voice.

2. Make a cup of tea! After all that crying you’ll be feeling totally and utterly dehydrated. Have a soothing and comforting cup of hot tea. Here in Ireland a cup of tea is the solution to everything.

3. Assess what happened. Was it really as bad as you imagined it was? Perhaps tomorrow I’ll see that it wasn’t as bad as I thought. But you have to assess what happened. Eventually you will learn to accept it.

4. Express your emotions. Whether that involves saying it out loud, writing it in a journal or in a blog article, express what happened and how you’re feeling about it. It will help.

5. Try again. What can you do to rebuild your confidence again and quickly? For me, it involved sitting in front of my piano and playing my music pieces and scales again. And you guessed it. I did them perfectly at home.

So how do you usually treat yourself, your colleagues or your kids when they mess up? It’s a humbling experience to feel that no matter how clear our goals are, and no matter how hard we try and no matter how much we believe in ourselves, sometimes it simply doesn’t go our way. I’ve learned an important lesson. And isn’t it a true test of character to see how we react to these situations and keep on going?

So next time we’re in a stadium of 50,000+ people and our sporting hero misses that ‘easy’ penalty shot; or an athlete slips and falls at the final hurdle; or our kids achieve a terrible grade in their exams; or our boss makes a mistake; or our colleagues slip up; or we ourselves f**k up, let’s try to remember that we’re all simply doing our best and that unintentional mistakes happen. It’s how we chose to resolve them, overcome them and learn from them that really matter.

I had a special dinner planned for tonight to celebrate my wonderful piano exam, but rather than cancel it I think I might still go ahead and explain to my kids that although I messed up, I tried. And that’s something to celebrate, always.

About Michelle

Michelle O’Connor is an executive search consultant and career strategist with over 20 years corporate executive recruitment experience.

She works with executives to help them transform their futures.

Please get in touch if you would like her professional help figuring out the next phase of your career.